tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-328147452024-03-13T14:08:00.008-07:00ThinnerThis is a story about a broken girl. Very broken. I love my self loathing, I hate how much of me there is to revile. I am loved. If I could just be good enough for myself. I want perfection. That is less than I am now. I am fatter than perfection. That needs to change.
CAUTION TO ANYONE IN RECOVERY FROM AN ED!!!
CONTAINS TRIGGERING MATERIAL!!!so_alonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07998167170121902630noreply@blogger.comBlogger403125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32814745.post-61638180118313983272013-02-28T07:48:00.002-08:002013-02-28T07:49:30.550-08:00back again; where it all started<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Hello again. I'm back. Running into the arms of Ana. She's been waiting. She's waited while my ex boyfriend rant off with the girl he was cheating on me with from the day I left. She's waited while my current boyfriend can't figure out why I cry when we talk about how hard getting a visa is. </div>
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And she doesn't have to wait anymore.</div>
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I remember, I think, the two things that initially sent me this way:</div>
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First, I went to see my grandmother when I was in my early teens, must have been. And the first thing said was "You're looking nice!" She sounded surprised. "I thought you might have gotten... big."</div>
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And then the first love. The first love asked me in all innocence, "Do your thighs touch when you sit down?" and I said why? "Well R and I were talking the other day, and his girlfriend's thighs don't touch and neither do mine or his, so I just wondered if that was an everyone thing or not, cuz it seems weird." And I started crying.</div>
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So here we are ten years later. The boyfriend has come to visit and gone away. I am now on a super low carb diet. I eat fat to burn fat. I'm trying to throw my body into a state of ketosis. At least for a few days. I need to change my size. I really do. I need to get thinner again.</div>
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My current training schedule is epic though, so that combined with new diet should help. I'm up to 20+ hours per week. That should hopefully make a dent. Top pic is my flubbery horrible self. No thinspo there.</div>
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Stay strong and think thin my lovelies! 40 squats, 20 pushups, 90 situps, 50 inner thigh lifts each side. GO!so_alonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07998167170121902630noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32814745.post-26154618119263877762012-12-04T00:10:00.000-08:002012-12-04T00:11:08.881-08:00GM diet again, a rant<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
So I started the GM diet again. Day 1 was surprisingly easy. I managed to eat mostly melon. Only had to add a tiny bit of protein so I didn't destroy my body while I had to train. I have got to stick to it this time. I have a very good reason. I just need to be less. The feeling of control was so satisfying. I didn't even want to cheat. Tomorrow will be hard, but I'll be strong.</div>
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A rant: So there was this guy and we dated for a while, like years. I went away. He hooked up with this girl but I didn't care because we were open. I stayed gone, fell in love with someone else. He never told me that that one girl had become the girl. But they both told all of my friends that I knew about it. This thing started before I lost my heart to someone else. It shouldn't matter. But they conspired to lie to me and have my friends lie to me. And now every time I see them on the internet it breaks my fucking heart. I shouldn't care, but I do. And it sucks. And all of my friends still adore them and seem to ignore what they did to me. </div>
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Oh well. At least I have control. I have ana. She's always there for me, whether I want her or not. And right now, she's one of the only things holding me together.</div>
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Stay strong and think thin my pretties. Homework: 200 jacks. 200 situps. Touch your toes.</div>
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<br />so_alonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07998167170121902630noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32814745.post-90877178191904046482012-11-12T14:25:00.001-08:002012-11-12T14:25:36.518-08:00<br />
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I am dredging and mulling. I know what caused it. All this old bitterness came swarming up to the surface after last week. I'm overly conscious of my weight, which I believe is immense and whale like. Last week, I was talking to a person who worked in the same club that I used to feature at. And I asked them if it had gotten better, etc, and mentioned how I had gotten blacklisted for no reason, only to hear later that it was because I was too fat. And the response was unexpected. "Well, Frank really doesn't like girth." Those words rattle around in my head, all day and all night. Validation, that I am in fact huge. And fat. Deserving of the word "girth". I feel ill. This is making me angry. </div>
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I was healthy for a while. That has to change. Back down the sick road we go.</div>
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So stay strong and think thin, lovelies. 500 situps. Go!</div>
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so_alonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07998167170121902630noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32814745.post-74709113900838358142012-10-15T00:43:00.005-07:002012-10-15T00:50:35.126-07:00MY RETURNWow. I've been gone forever. Well, I'm back now and I really ought to be posting regularly again. I have a huge backlog of thinspo and even some personals updates.<br />
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I'm back stateside now. Missing the boy like mad. I've also decided that I no longer take public transit if I can avoid it, so I bicycle everywhere. I've been training up to six days/week, but not enough hours every day. I will make up for it over the winter tho.<br />
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No numbers updates until I make enough money get a new scale. I kinda destroyed my good scale (and I couldn't take it with me anyway) in the name of art. Right after I got back, I got weighed at Planned Parenthood and they told me 128lbs, which kinda makes sense. I wasn't really doing anything but living on couches and eating after a summer of lazing about. So, here's to hoping we're inching down under the 120 mark, or hovering around 125 due to increased muscle from all the biking. Amusingly, I've got a few pairs of jeans that fit better now than when I was last seriously thin. Size 27 Joe's are too big in the waist, as are size 27 Antik denim (and those don't have ANY stretch, like at all).<br />
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I've eaten way too much today as well, but oh well. Tomorrow's gonna burn it all off, plus I have an entire that I can pretty much fast through on my way up north after that. It's gonna work out and off. I can feel it.<br />
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And now! THINSPO! I can't believe I left you all without thinspo for so long.<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: xx-small;"><strike> I'm hiding in the mix!</strike></span> None of you even complained! And, HOMEWORK: 200 situps, 200 jacks, any order, any situp.<br />
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<br />so_alonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07998167170121902630noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32814745.post-73601911161595499872012-04-27T16:29:00.002-07:002012-04-27T16:38:14.596-07:00feelings and how they are as embarrassing as being fatI hate feeling in front of people. Especially when I feel like I'm being looked at critically or by people who I believe to my betters. I find it embarrassing and terrifying, most when I'm doing something that I have very little confidence in. When it gets too bad, I'll start crying and that's even more awkward and awful because the English don't cry. Like ever. But that ended up happening today.
People keep telling me if I lose any more weight, I'll disappear. And that what I do looks really good. That I look comfortable and confident in the air. If they were sitting on that much fat, they'd look comfy too, I think. All of this is made triply worse by a few other factors. I have to eat like a normal person this week and next week because I don't get weekends due to workshops that I really need. Training is extra super hard for these next two weeks too. So I can't actively starve. But I feel like every bite I eat I'm getting faster, even as that horrible need to faint sleeps away as the calories seep in. I'm going to have to do the GM diet again before my mother gets here, but that puts me doing that cleanse in the week before my final HUGE PROJECT gets shown and since I'm basically doing epic cardio for 15 minutes for an audience, I need all my strength to work up for it. But... aaaaarrrrgh. I just need to be thinner. Even thinner. My thighs still touch, even though I'm working so hard to make them smaller. I'm still too fat. I must work harder.
Stay strong and think thin lovelies. 100 Jacks, 2 x 1 min plank.
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2C5ajJd4wXA/T5sqIP88v1I/AAAAAAAAVcg/Umi35P1wToI/s1600/989968058_m.jpg" imageanchor="1" style=""><img border="0" height="400" width="76" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2C5ajJd4wXA/T5sqIP88v1I/AAAAAAAAVcg/Umi35P1wToI/s400/989968058_m.jpg" /></a></div>so_alonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07998167170121902630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32814745.post-77146894864402307482012-04-20T05:11:00.002-07:002012-04-20T05:11:31.343-07:00My scale must be broken....... because it said 116.8 this morning! I've got two more days of diet left as well. I might see 115 in the next few days. I haven't been this thin in years! Sooo excited that I'm going to get dressed and go for a run.
Stay strong and think thin my lovelies! 50 situps, 50 squats, 25 pushups, 1 min plank.... go!
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-hzDR-AYwS_I/T5FR2fuXU8I/AAAAAAAAVYM/1dTn0yTsL_4/s1600/36.jpg" imageanchor="1" style=""><img border="0" height="400" width="268" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-hzDR-AYwS_I/T5FR2fuXU8I/AAAAAAAAVYM/1dTn0yTsL_4/s400/36.jpg" /></a></div>so_alonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07998167170121902630noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32814745.post-64071492224832345242012-04-18T07:15:00.005-07:002012-04-18T07:25:07.610-07:00gm diet take 2: veg and fruit daySo when you the "Healthy is the New Skinny" image in there with my thinspo, remember the irony of that pic. She's fucking skinny. Toned as hell, but not enough body fat to bleed regularly. She isn't healthy and lighting and photoshop probably did about as much work on her body and she does in the weight room.<br /><br />Moving on. Doing the GM diet again this week. I'm not cheating nearly as much as I did last time, but I'm not sure that I'm losing any weight. I just feel tired all the time, but maybe that's my period. Tomorrow is banana day. I'm thrilled.<br /><br />The boy is gone and I miss him terribly. I had a really sad and cruel dream where my dead lover was actually alive and picked me up in his car and we drove around my old neighborhood for a while. My final piece of work for school is all about starvation and grief and fighting off one and through the other. <br /><br />Everything hurts, but such is the nature of my work and my life. I paid for this and I'm getting what I paid for whether I really want to or not. So every muscle is sore, my back hurts, my hands cane every time I climb or hold a bar. Perfect really. If I just keep working hard enough, I'll have control again and I'll be beautiful and thin by the time the boy comes home.<br /><br />Stay strong and thin lovelies. 100 jacks, 10 burpees, and 1 minute plank....go!<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9yxR_ScGa-Q/T47NMGWtryI/AAAAAAAAVVY/UcG-wWk10iQ/s1600/Valerie-Chiang.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 263px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9yxR_ScGa-Q/T47NMGWtryI/AAAAAAAAVVY/UcG-wWk10iQ/s400/Valerie-Chiang.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5732744983437225762" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Bs8nice6VV4/T47NLkvc1cI/AAAAAAAAVVM/hLsynTQupmc/s1600/tumblr_m27zx8ahXr1r98kszo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 287px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Bs8nice6VV4/T47NLkvc1cI/AAAAAAAAVVM/hLsynTQupmc/s400/tumblr_m27zx8ahXr1r98kszo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5732744974414173634" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-sseABQbQRtk/T47NLJyfFBI/AAAAAAAAVVA/sCt4PsI2C6M/s1600/tumblr_m2n41u0HMo1ru60teo1_400.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; 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cursor:hand;width: 311px; height: 400px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-uOPeadkFs5I/T47M8pyBtnI/AAAAAAAAVT0/4kMCoAGI0_Q/s400/tumblr_lykjn4l6RV1rovtvxo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5732744718069118578" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VS-enbigTQ8/T47Muy3tIKI/AAAAAAAAVTo/93fdFXR0u9g/s1600/tumblr_lykj97y5Jp1rootexo1_250.png"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 192px; height: 160px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VS-enbigTQ8/T47Muy3tIKI/AAAAAAAAVTo/93fdFXR0u9g/s400/tumblr_lykj97y5Jp1rootexo1_250.png" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5732744479990685858" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-dgR-tRmp8Us/T47MueIQARI/AAAAAAAAVTc/gdVg47ULqvA/s1600/tumblr_lykeurmoK11r69lp0o1_500.png"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 299px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-dgR-tRmp8Us/T47MueIQARI/AAAAAAAAVTc/gdVg47ULqvA/s400/tumblr_lykeurmoK11r69lp0o1_500.png" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5732744474422935826" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-deabDjR86-0/T47MuJPCSbI/AAAAAAAAVTQ/KEWPBAOwvZI/s1600/tumblr_lykerpRCZT1qkl8o2o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 342px; height: 400px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-deabDjR86-0/T47MuJPCSbI/AAAAAAAAVTQ/KEWPBAOwvZI/s400/tumblr_lykerpRCZT1qkl8o2o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5732744468814252466" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xrlbaifgnLA/T47MtgsyY-I/AAAAAAAAVTE/gUah12g1Yyg/s1600/tumblr_lyker9uDIO1r4e0ouo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 248px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xrlbaifgnLA/T47MtgsyY-I/AAAAAAAAVTE/gUah12g1Yyg/s400/tumblr_lyker9uDIO1r4e0ouo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5732744457933186018" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dCHOE8u5wVE/T47MtZZJZjI/AAAAAAAAVS4/90DMyleZGrU/s1600/tumblr_lykdafGV9k1rot4m6o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-dCHOE8u5wVE/T47MtZZJZjI/AAAAAAAAVS4/90DMyleZGrU/s400/tumblr_lykdafGV9k1rot4m6o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5732744455971759666" /></a>so_alonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07998167170121902630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32814745.post-24062704346771184462012-04-09T11:15:00.005-07:002012-04-09T11:34:44.376-07:00freedom... tastes like fizzy waterSo.. we are back after what feels like forever. The boy ended up moving in for a while after a job snafu left him kinda stranded. Before that, one of my trainers told me I wasn't allowed to restrict for the last two weeks of this piece I was making with him. I have no idea what I weigh and I'm not even going to look until I've done this week of restriction and then the GM diet the week after. <br /><br />I had a two week break from school in the midst the boy being here (so i have to try to eat like a normal person), so I was eating tons of awful bread and cheese all the while being on mandatory rest. A whole six days of mandatory rest. Well, one of those days involved a 7.5 hour hike through the hills, but still, there was food involved in that too. I had meant to get back to training for at least 5 of my remaining days, but that fell flat when I caught a lingeringly evil cold. <br /><br />The boy is away at work for the next month and half. I have all that time to get back to where I was, which was getting so good. The heartbreak of being without my lover will also probably be useful in keeping the eating thing to a minimum. My calorie counting is going to lose track on thursday when I'm off a camping trip, but I'll just replace food with booze for that and it will balance out anyway. Then I come back to the GM diet anyway. <br /><br />It's funny, or sad... really; once his hand left mine, Ana stepped right in a put her arm around me. She whispered in my ear "Are you sure want to eat today?" And as usual, I'm never sure. <br /><br />I have to eat enough to get this last project done, to keep my energy up for the hardest work I've ever done. But when I present this final piece, I will be goddamn thin. 115lbs if I can hack it. <br /><br />Stay strong and think thin my lovelies. 50 squats, 60 situps, and 100 jacks.... GO!<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-porNKpLz4Sw/T4MpKdzoW1I/AAAAAAAAVSs/LZfTyKW_eqI/s1600/tumblr_lykcxrA3EB1ro2kzbo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 375px; height: 400px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-porNKpLz4Sw/T4MpKdzoW1I/AAAAAAAAVSs/LZfTyKW_eqI/s400/tumblr_lykcxrA3EB1ro2kzbo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5729468410722016082" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-FBnkBqPnQmA/T4MpJ2oQo4I/AAAAAAAAVSg/y0LakXOiEDQ/s1600/tumblr_lykbe0g8291r7xicao1_500.png"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 399px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-FBnkBqPnQmA/T4MpJ2oQo4I/AAAAAAAAVSg/y0LakXOiEDQ/s400/tumblr_lykbe0g8291r7xicao1_500.png" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5729468400205341570" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-w6lclp3-lcE/T4MpJT7hN1I/AAAAAAAAVSU/bJznDLffRsM/s1600/tumblr_lyk9pzL3UQ1ror3zvo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; 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cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 268px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-kLrUg5iCUQ4/T4MoT-PcEBI/AAAAAAAAVQE/_o0ulBPiHJM/s400/tumblr_lxklruhQJc1qkx2gpo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5729467474535780370" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-g2tT724xdZk/T4Mnq9pkN1I/AAAAAAAAVP0/4XPGk3DtiOE/s1600/tumblr_lx9620ZeWN1r4oy01o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 311px; height: 400px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-g2tT724xdZk/T4Mnq9pkN1I/AAAAAAAAVP0/4XPGk3DtiOE/s400/tumblr_lx9620ZeWN1r4oy01o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5729466770002294610" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5lv0DuQgAqc/T4MnqUuzZLI/AAAAAAAAVPo/6rmoy2b4cAg/s1600/tumblr_lx7trwf6sF1r6yj13o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 265px; height: 400px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5lv0DuQgAqc/T4MnqUuzZLI/AAAAAAAAVPo/6rmoy2b4cAg/s400/tumblr_lx7trwf6sF1r6yj13o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5729466759018407090" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-C7uraZ4qunU/T4MnpkW5yfI/AAAAAAAAVPc/4m8uBsvhZhY/s1600/tumblr_lwtnohdVy31qjihu0o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-C7uraZ4qunU/T4MnpkW5yfI/AAAAAAAAVPc/4m8uBsvhZhY/s400/tumblr_lwtnohdVy31qjihu0o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5729466746033261042" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RBFcwECQ79w/T4MnopnsBPI/AAAAAAAAVPQ/ZhK-STtkEZ4/s1600/tumblr_lwqg5cBlA51qzspj1o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 265px; height: 400px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RBFcwECQ79w/T4MnopnsBPI/AAAAAAAAVPQ/ZhK-STtkEZ4/s400/tumblr_lwqg5cBlA51qzspj1o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5729466730265969906" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-O0f99cTZIMs/T4MnoLRQXEI/AAAAAAAAVPE/Ic4WE9vfejs/s1600/tumblr_lw2y2fhCfO1r114cro1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 301px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-O0f99cTZIMs/T4MnoLRQXEI/AAAAAAAAVPE/Ic4WE9vfejs/s400/tumblr_lw2y2fhCfO1r114cro1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5729466722118818882" /></a>so_alonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07998167170121902630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32814745.post-91195332194882635322012-04-03T05:45:00.000-07:002012-04-03T05:46:03.380-07:00excuses excuses... and i'll be back on mondaySorry for the disappearance. I've been super busy and the boy moved in for a while, so I couldn't do my usual thing.so_alonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07998167170121902630noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32814745.post-14653297559272926952012-02-13T07:01:00.001-08:002012-02-13T07:17:14.639-08:00121.0... funny how starving is so effectiveYay for starving. I'm doing a bunch of walking today and maybe some training way later if anyone's around. Then tomorrow I really get back to work. I have a presentation in two weeks and i'm doomed. It's really nice to have days where I just take diet pills and starve. I know that sounds terrible, but to have the luxury of doing so little that I don't need to eat at all is really nice. No boy around to say I'm dumb for "trying to be anorexic" or that I'm already skinny or my problems are too much to handle on top of his own... ugh. Why do people always talk about eating disorders as though no one around them has one and they are certain of this fact? Oh wait... in my case, it's because I'm too fat to have an eating disorder.<br /><br />Think thin my lovelies and stay strong. 50 situps, 80 squats, and 100 jacks... GO!<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-OSFfU9QcLcc/TzknJqxOX3I/AAAAAAAAVOw/SFx25cJkgz4/s1600/tumblr_lx9620ZeWN1r4oy01o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 311px; height: 400px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-OSFfU9QcLcc/TzknJqxOX3I/AAAAAAAAVOw/SFx25cJkgz4/s400/tumblr_lx9620ZeWN1r4oy01o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5708637049721872242" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-4WA2wiQ75WA/TzknIzzjIOI/AAAAAAAAVOo/cyOMlvshrIs/s1600/tumblr_lx7trwf6sF1r6yj13o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 265px; height: 400px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-4WA2wiQ75WA/TzknIzzjIOI/AAAAAAAAVOo/cyOMlvshrIs/s400/tumblr_lx7trwf6sF1r6yj13o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5708637034967671010" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-XyvUhgmrfg8/TzknIKyHUoI/AAAAAAAAVOc/KBFWFDGCYUo/s1600/tumblr_lwtnohdVy31qjihu0o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; 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cursor:hand;width: 296px; height: 400px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7sBTYRCFX7Q/TzkmaRV15sI/AAAAAAAAVN0/SuIBHtaeppo/s400/tumblr_lvp0hg3gia1qe3qt2o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5708636235442284226" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HlWd6JUjDpo/TzkmZwTFcTI/AAAAAAAAVNo/dNF-h_O0GrA/s1600/tumblr_lutkquKUCa1r1mxa2o1_500.png"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 266px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-HlWd6JUjDpo/TzkmZwTFcTI/AAAAAAAAVNo/dNF-h_O0GrA/s400/tumblr_lutkquKUCa1r1mxa2o1_500.png" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5708636226572349746" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-r-olKzSGlqk/TzkmZrIr5xI/AAAAAAAAVNc/WXsSB1Et9HE/s1600/tumblr_lum7b04bvG1r39udvo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 345px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-r-olKzSGlqk/TzkmZrIr5xI/AAAAAAAAVNc/WXsSB1Et9HE/s400/tumblr_lum7b04bvG1r39udvo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5708636225186555666" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-p0ZWVVnJvD0/TzkmZZEC-eI/AAAAAAAAVNQ/BB9YdtTRnEs/s1600/tumblr_lty04w7yE71r53s8ko1_400.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-p0ZWVVnJvD0/TzkmZZEC-eI/AAAAAAAAVNQ/BB9YdtTRnEs/s400/tumblr_lty04w7yE71r53s8ko1_400.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5708636220335258082" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-AIZy7Dn1flY/TzkmX6K-lNI/AAAAAAAAVNE/cD05eCSHrcA/s1600/tumblr_ltinibhQWK1r59rh6o1_400.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 267px; height: 400px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-AIZy7Dn1flY/TzkmX6K-lNI/AAAAAAAAVNE/cD05eCSHrcA/s400/tumblr_ltinibhQWK1r59rh6o1_400.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5708636194862961874" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-eaxUNaEMlTc/TzkmD6cFxjI/AAAAAAAAVM4/CuUk_S0Na4Y/s1600/tumblr_lrvvcbW2fN1qlgfteo1_400.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 282px; height: 400px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-eaxUNaEMlTc/TzkmD6cFxjI/AAAAAAAAVM4/CuUk_S0Na4Y/s400/tumblr_lrvvcbW2fN1qlgfteo1_400.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5708635851337352754" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lS2J2WkT1Bc/TzkmDC-hYDI/AAAAAAAAVMs/hi5JCuAh7ws/s1600/tumblr_lrlj6tnaEO1qlgfteo1_400.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 266px; height: 400px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lS2J2WkT1Bc/TzkmDC-hYDI/AAAAAAAAVMs/hi5JCuAh7ws/s400/tumblr_lrlj6tnaEO1qlgfteo1_400.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5708635836449382450" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zpGFHUfuWHw/TzkmCwYTt2I/AAAAAAAAVMg/Yq2gRa9sl1I/s1600/tumblr_lq8sweZZwU1qh7ovfo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 224px; height: 400px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zpGFHUfuWHw/TzkmCwYTt2I/AAAAAAAAVMg/Yq2gRa9sl1I/s400/tumblr_lq8sweZZwU1qh7ovfo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5708635831457265506" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-19fuw8gLsrw/TzkmCR739NI/AAAAAAAAVMU/Pv6QYH3ue_0/s1600/tumblr_lojmhhCERG1r03ahfo1_500.png"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 313px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-19fuw8gLsrw/TzkmCR739NI/AAAAAAAAVMU/Pv6QYH3ue_0/s400/tumblr_lojmhhCERG1r03ahfo1_500.png" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5708635823284942034" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-jQhvEqPlXbE/TzkmB4eUOKI/AAAAAAAAVMI/C5oZ0ia82W0/s1600/tumblr_loje79hDBU1qios89o1_500.png"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 270px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-jQhvEqPlXbE/TzkmB4eUOKI/AAAAAAAAVMI/C5oZ0ia82W0/s400/tumblr_loje79hDBU1qios89o1_500.png" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5708635816450078882" /></a>so_alonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07998167170121902630noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32814745.post-3110121297195853122012-02-12T07:45:00.001-08:002012-02-12T07:53:30.294-08:00when the boy is away, starvation can stayIt's half term week from school. The boy is away for a few days. I have gained 2 lbs. That will not be the case much longer. I am fuelled by diet pills and green tea until he gets back. My calorie limit is set at 700 per day (i still have to train, just not all day). Diet pills are a ride had totally forgotten about. Just thought I'd check in and share my failure and post some thinspo. Now I'm going to do three workout .jpg's and then go running the very cold, very sunny day. In fact, I'll add the workout .jpgs so you can do them too!<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-U-Toa_aoQSY/TzfgPCbKx-I/AAAAAAAAVL8/lYIYOjEcGyw/s1600/tumblr_lwf1r381EC1r6k1yio1_500.png"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 301px; height: 400px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-U-Toa_aoQSY/TzfgPCbKx-I/AAAAAAAAVL8/lYIYOjEcGyw/s400/tumblr_lwf1r381EC1r6k1yio1_500.png" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5708277601668876258" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-BTDC0PLG274/TzfgO4_GeEI/AAAAAAAAVLw/Q8RXKfPV-vM/s1600/tumblr_lw20stszzt1r7ovf4o1_400.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 300px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-BTDC0PLG274/TzfgO4_GeEI/AAAAAAAAVLw/Q8RXKfPV-vM/s400/tumblr_lw20stszzt1r7ovf4o1_400.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5708277599135234114" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-csenT7B2JXg/TzfgOToDa8I/AAAAAAAAVLk/19iilUf63H8/s1600/tumblr_lhcso4xU7H1qev1zqo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-csenT7B2JXg/TzfgOToDa8I/AAAAAAAAVLk/19iilUf63H8/s400/tumblr_lhcso4xU7H1qev1zqo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5708277589106453442" /></a><br /><br />Stay strong and think thin my skinnies!<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wSC3SFzg_qQ/TzffY_LG-6I/AAAAAAAAVLY/Xdy7btII064/s1600/tumblr_lojckwoxrC1qevanto1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 265px; height: 400px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wSC3SFzg_qQ/TzffY_LG-6I/AAAAAAAAVLY/Xdy7btII064/s400/tumblr_lojckwoxrC1qevanto1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5708276673083276194" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZLhF6sk0rxI/TzffYl-9AgI/AAAAAAAAVLI/L68f8phYJdE/s1600/tumblr_loix7dD9zH1r03mnto1_400.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 264px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZLhF6sk0rxI/TzffYl-9AgI/AAAAAAAAVLI/L68f8phYJdE/s400/tumblr_loix7dD9zH1r03mnto1_400.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5708276666321404418" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ljJo_VP7wWc/TzffYY6hvUI/AAAAAAAAVLA/rPVaz5zxGRA/s1600/tumblr_loiwxwiDjL1qa31sdo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 267px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ljJo_VP7wWc/TzffYY6hvUI/AAAAAAAAVLA/rPVaz5zxGRA/s400/tumblr_loiwxwiDjL1qa31sdo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5708276662813179202" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xDtLv1y9cv8/TzffXwvt0gI/AAAAAAAAVK4/btgU9JT-fK4/s1600/tumblr_lohq0wJNNv1qbwyhlo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-xDtLv1y9cv8/TzffXwvt0gI/AAAAAAAAVK4/btgU9JT-fK4/s400/tumblr_lohq0wJNNv1qbwyhlo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5708276652030415362" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-NwlJ28QugLM/TzffXt_NKnI/AAAAAAAAVKo/GhOfaLMb2Oc/s1600/tumblr_logm5twus81qjd15to1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 275px; height: 400px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-NwlJ28QugLM/TzffXt_NKnI/AAAAAAAAVKo/GhOfaLMb2Oc/s400/tumblr_logm5twus81qjd15to1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5708276651290077810" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-NwtH4sgismA/TzffJVW2NyI/AAAAAAAAVKc/7ODvpsyx860/s1600/tumblr_lnb9f5bJHa1qaznx7o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; 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cursor:hand;width: 279px; height: 400px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-cE3637_wTEE/Tzfe1uxGHTI/AAAAAAAAVJM/n77cUuOZzw8/s400/tumblr_llktzv9edc1qz9qooo1_r1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5708276067383778610" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-C4PlK6BZGm0/Tzfe0GacBNI/AAAAAAAAVJA/TKStZPLPhaQ/s1600/tumblr_llkakoBL4x1qfjfaxo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 303px; height: 400px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-C4PlK6BZGm0/Tzfe0GacBNI/AAAAAAAAVJA/TKStZPLPhaQ/s400/tumblr_llkakoBL4x1qfjfaxo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5708276039371457746" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-JlrWp2X_pNY/TzfezkMeylI/AAAAAAAAVI4/9yndZXLhzMA/s1600/tumblr_lkuwasGgHH1qh9ee3o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 309px; height: 400px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-JlrWp2X_pNY/TzfezkMeylI/AAAAAAAAVI4/9yndZXLhzMA/s400/tumblr_lkuwasGgHH1qh9ee3o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5708276030186113618" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hbK3rRCcpWQ/Tzfezdi09EI/AAAAAAAAVIo/0_auoreUgUw/s1600/tumblr_lkarqoC43h1qf22lw.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 266px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hbK3rRCcpWQ/Tzfezdi09EI/AAAAAAAAVIo/0_auoreUgUw/s400/tumblr_lkarqoC43h1qf22lw.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5708276028400792642" /></a>so_alonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07998167170121902630noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32814745.post-10817857428883579872012-02-07T08:40:00.001-08:002012-02-07T08:53:32.242-08:00121.4Finally. An almost reasonable number. My next weigh in is tomorrow and I'm terrified that number will higher. I just want to be 120, because I know from there I can keep losing. I was so bad over the weekend, I didn't log anything since the boy was around and even though everything was stupid healthy, there was just too much of it. The .25 of an apple with some sultanas, walnuts, and cinnamon feels like a binge. I need to work so much harder today, but there's no studio space and my shoulder is fucked. I'd really like to be less for Friday, moreso than Sunday because I have a presentation in which I ought to be wearing very little on my flabby fat legs. <br /><br />A progress pic is in here somewhere near the bottom. It's getting better, slowly. I'm so excited for the one-teens again. I want to feel that lightness that comes with the turning over of poundage. Just gotta drink more tea, eat less food. <br /><br />I've gotten pretty good at hiding how little I'm eating around the boy. Not sure if this will work for you, but when we have anything with rice or noodles, I only get to have .5C of rice or one small chunk of noodles, but i can have as much spinach as I want. So it looks like I'm eating normally, but really I'm cutting my consumed calories in half every night, plus spinach burns more calories than it gives you.<br /><br />Stay strong and think my skinnies. Sorry I haven't been about much. School is destroying me, body and soul. 2 minutes of plank, 100 jumping jacks for homework for my lovely readers. <3 to all 205 of you. <br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MUnLwUdX00k/TzFVF0mT-fI/AAAAAAAAVIc/ceg90uQWA0A/s1600/tumblr_ljdqpwakGk1qif9n8o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 310px; height: 400px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MUnLwUdX00k/TzFVF0mT-fI/AAAAAAAAVIc/ceg90uQWA0A/s400/tumblr_ljdqpwakGk1qif9n8o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5706435761362172402" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-9PfGC8Dg4io/TzFVEao67NI/AAAAAAAAVIU/RVVc3UUORJ8/s1600/tumblr_ljchjhbqem1qfi8jno1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 338px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-9PfGC8Dg4io/TzFVEao67NI/AAAAAAAAVIU/RVVc3UUORJ8/s400/tumblr_ljchjhbqem1qfi8jno1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5706435737213922514" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-9O6qhmsSsKU/TzFVC7OFpDI/AAAAAAAAVIE/ZFRRyIf6Kcc/s1600/tumblr_ljdlx3jWXD1qhvk38o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; 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cursor:hand;width: 256px; height: 400px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1FXdL-Cinyk/TzFUgObdnnI/AAAAAAAAVF0/RunyCsok0aE/s400/tumblr_lhvu1lszgR1qeg9mqo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5706435115460959858" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Bn4Gx7EdJJQ/TzFUSPU6zcI/AAAAAAAAVFo/OSRRs3zTXUA/s1600/tumblr_lhvsmsobMo1qhgsmno1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 357px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Bn4Gx7EdJJQ/TzFUSPU6zcI/AAAAAAAAVFo/OSRRs3zTXUA/s400/tumblr_lhvsmsobMo1qhgsmno1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5706434875183779266" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-rvytXeRvRWM/TzFURm5qFSI/AAAAAAAAVFg/Riu4YLdhh3A/s1600/tumblr_lhuovgVaE01qhl2jlo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-rvytXeRvRWM/TzFURm5qFSI/AAAAAAAAVFg/Riu4YLdhh3A/s400/tumblr_lhuovgVaE01qhl2jlo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5706434864332018978" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8OSicSl2jTg/TzFUQy2582I/AAAAAAAAVFQ/xL-Io_pw-uQ/s1600/tumblr_lhtr65cH8V1qg07q4o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 262px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8OSicSl2jTg/TzFUQy2582I/AAAAAAAAVFQ/xL-Io_pw-uQ/s400/tumblr_lhtr65cH8V1qg07q4o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5706434850361832290" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mU4hPeraJeg/TzFUQpmRq6I/AAAAAAAAVFA/sTMPP5Gguyw/s1600/tumblr_lhto2eILyV1qe9bmfo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 376px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mU4hPeraJeg/TzFUQpmRq6I/AAAAAAAAVFA/sTMPP5Gguyw/s400/tumblr_lhto2eILyV1qe9bmfo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5706434847876164514" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--BuS30NEi_E/TzFUQejdHPI/AAAAAAAAVE4/YdDhDz0uBTA/s1600/Photo%2Bon%2B2012-02-04%2Bat%2B00.55%2B%25233.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--BuS30NEi_E/TzFUQejdHPI/AAAAAAAAVE4/YdDhDz0uBTA/s400/Photo%2Bon%2B2012-02-04%2Bat%2B00.55%2B%25233.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5706434844911541490" /></a>so_alonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07998167170121902630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32814745.post-83602690647484781192012-01-23T09:36:00.001-08:002012-01-23T09:47:48.339-08:00uh oh.. on a few levelsUgh. I love and hate this. I feel like I'm more in control, but my grasp is so tenuous that I panic all the time. It's getting to a point where I freak out about food in front of the boy which is totally not allowed to happen. Part of this is that it's no one's business but mine and the people who support me. But oh god, I nearly freaked out the other day. The sound of chewing disgusts me on a good day, but when my blood sugar is super low it's nauseating and I had to eat with the boy but I was already so hungry I wasn't hungry and nearly cried. Ah well. He's not around tonight so food weirdness abounds.<br /><br />The validity of my scale has been called into question. Two of the little sensor feet came off of it. They stuck back on, but that weirds me out a bit. This worry aside, it said I was 123.2 on Sunday morning which is really more than I could ask for. This sudden droppage might have come from water weight.<br /><br />My period started randomly on Friday night. I take a monocyclic so I decide when my periods are, but apparently I've screwed up my body fat to the point that my period went weird. This is a good sign. Hopefully after this period I'll just keep losing. Sigh. It's so hard to starve on this course. Even people who eat normally are wrecked by the end of the day. Sigh. I just want to be thin. Stay strong and think thin my skinnies. Do 50 situps, 50 squats, and 1 minute plank tonight!<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-VynIPMwqGhU/Tx2bpUMiRRI/AAAAAAAAVEo/vKQJurKZL_k/s1600/tumblr_lht8yta2cz1qdjsl7o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 211px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-VynIPMwqGhU/Tx2bpUMiRRI/AAAAAAAAVEo/vKQJurKZL_k/s400/tumblr_lht8yta2cz1qdjsl7o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5700883837419144466" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Trq_z5dYtQs/Tx2boMkGswI/AAAAAAAAVEc/XcUINVMRULY/s1600/tumblr_lhsyy00bdu1qcudxmo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 277px; height: 400px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Trq_z5dYtQs/Tx2boMkGswI/AAAAAAAAVEc/XcUINVMRULY/s400/tumblr_lhsyy00bdu1qcudxmo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5700883818190648066" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lRB28Rr_2vY/Tx2bn5sy9yI/AAAAAAAAVEQ/Bz0qmAS03AE/s1600/tumblr_lhsnasvtA31qhn0pbo1_400.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 267px; height: 400px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lRB28Rr_2vY/Tx2bn5sy9yI/AAAAAAAAVEQ/Bz0qmAS03AE/s400/tumblr_lhsnasvtA31qhn0pbo1_400.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5700883813126829858" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-HYMJeSj68To/Tx2bnmQN1TI/AAAAAAAAVEE/uFtxQPoUeOU/s1600/tumblr_lhsjkv9RMS1qeg9mqo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 256px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-HYMJeSj68To/Tx2bnmQN1TI/AAAAAAAAVEE/uFtxQPoUeOU/s400/tumblr_lhsjkv9RMS1qeg9mqo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5700883807906682162" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0Eb-UHZ_EZE/Tx2bnZtg_oI/AAAAAAAAVD4/Fp-6vr5CZis/s1600/tumblr_lhsd30hAaa1qhdz28o1_400.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 299px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0Eb-UHZ_EZE/Tx2bnZtg_oI/AAAAAAAAVD4/Fp-6vr5CZis/s400/tumblr_lhsd30hAaa1qhdz28o1_400.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5700883804539911810" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-iT1qtaYF-NM/Tx2bXBek6eI/AAAAAAAAVDo/jXXl2Nq0vBo/s1600/tumblr_lhsd1a9Qw11qhdz28o1_400.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 394px; height: 400px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-iT1qtaYF-NM/Tx2bXBek6eI/AAAAAAAAVDo/jXXl2Nq0vBo/s400/tumblr_lhsd1a9Qw11qhdz28o1_400.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5700883523156896226" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QIJqmucsSF0/Tx2bWYGowLI/AAAAAAAAVDg/ZRmrjPy6Ov8/s1600/tumblr_lhsagz9t7S1qchev4o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 309px; height: 400px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QIJqmucsSF0/Tx2bWYGowLI/AAAAAAAAVDg/ZRmrjPy6Ov8/s400/tumblr_lhsagz9t7S1qchev4o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5700883512050630834" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-uTjv8msrb8A/Tx2bWJXPPAI/AAAAAAAAVDQ/408GgMcuZQw/s1600/tumblr_lhrggilNBR1qdlwtyo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 265px; height: 400px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-uTjv8msrb8A/Tx2bWJXPPAI/AAAAAAAAVDQ/408GgMcuZQw/s400/tumblr_lhrggilNBR1qdlwtyo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5700883508093729794" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1NflIOChX-g/Tx2bViVi1BI/AAAAAAAAVDE/af_1Cy14nG0/s1600/tumblr_lhqqfzPPEM1qfnkheo1_400.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 209px; height: 400px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1NflIOChX-g/Tx2bViVi1BI/AAAAAAAAVDE/af_1Cy14nG0/s400/tumblr_lhqqfzPPEM1qfnkheo1_400.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5700883497617642514" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3Met2E9bTKo/Tx2bVRe00WI/AAAAAAAAVC4/HLWZkvxT65g/s1600/tumblr_lhqhm3nvzf1qh6b8ao1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 267px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3Met2E9bTKo/Tx2bVRe00WI/AAAAAAAAVC4/HLWZkvxT65g/s400/tumblr_lhqhm3nvzf1qh6b8ao1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5700883493093167458" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YvTkRrGMjr0/Tx2bFYx4ejI/AAAAAAAAVCk/BqwLB3-ULLQ/s1600/tumblr_lhpkntESLb1qgqs23o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 266px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-YvTkRrGMjr0/Tx2bFYx4ejI/AAAAAAAAVCk/BqwLB3-ULLQ/s400/tumblr_lhpkntESLb1qgqs23o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5700883220174240306" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8PNsBoXOLxE/Tx2bEg1eJ3I/AAAAAAAAVCc/5VHbAbkIaTQ/s1600/tumblr_lhpjx1dKGc1qgqs23o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 400px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8PNsBoXOLxE/Tx2bEg1eJ3I/AAAAAAAAVCc/5VHbAbkIaTQ/s400/tumblr_lhpjx1dKGc1qgqs23o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5700883205156906866" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qXKyU4zg6XU/Tx2bEYP-oCI/AAAAAAAAVCQ/r4DEoMFAUhs/s1600/tumblr_lhob99v7yo1qgrup0o1_500.png"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 254px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qXKyU4zg6XU/Tx2bEYP-oCI/AAAAAAAAVCQ/r4DEoMFAUhs/s400/tumblr_lhob99v7yo1qgrup0o1_500.png" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5700883202852167714" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZKtcGMamiSE/Tx2bDmuY4rI/AAAAAAAAVCE/Aep5GwZkWCc/s1600/tumblr_lhnnfp0rPe1qg4wpio1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 338px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZKtcGMamiSE/Tx2bDmuY4rI/AAAAAAAAVCE/Aep5GwZkWCc/s400/tumblr_lhnnfp0rPe1qg4wpio1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5700883189557945010" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-NLH9_1aFRx8/Tx2bDfkNJzI/AAAAAAAAVB4/pJdeINSGBOI/s1600/tumblr_lhnkkhjnXp1qg42b0o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 286px; height: 400px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-NLH9_1aFRx8/Tx2bDfkNJzI/AAAAAAAAVB4/pJdeINSGBOI/s400/tumblr_lhnkkhjnXp1qg42b0o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5700883187636184882" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GdM69oUYmHA/Tx2a0Bfwr1I/AAAAAAAAVBo/J9_PeZUbpm4/s1600/tumblr_lhnippedAl1qdib5bo1_500.gif"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 217px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GdM69oUYmHA/Tx2a0Bfwr1I/AAAAAAAAVBo/J9_PeZUbpm4/s400/tumblr_lhnippedAl1qdib5bo1_500.gif" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5700882921866440530" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0HNaKAISVzM/Tx2az7lZkSI/AAAAAAAAVBg/VjN7LFJoZAo/s1600/tumblr_lhnioo79f91qhsyuxo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0HNaKAISVzM/Tx2az7lZkSI/AAAAAAAAVBg/VjN7LFJoZAo/s400/tumblr_lhnioo79f91qhsyuxo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5700882920279478562" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OgwGbbDg1gk/Tx2azp272GI/AAAAAAAAVBU/KEsCuOLktpc/s1600/tumblr_lhni8wrjhi1qbzgqeo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 340px; height: 400px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OgwGbbDg1gk/Tx2azp272GI/AAAAAAAAVBU/KEsCuOLktpc/s400/tumblr_lhni8wrjhi1qbzgqeo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5700882915521189986" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-04-vhqQe_4s/Tx2azVEwtZI/AAAAAAAAVBE/JlNO-LlHQ5E/s1600/tumblr_lhnf2s7VH61qh8u48o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 267px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-04-vhqQe_4s/Tx2azVEwtZI/AAAAAAAAVBE/JlNO-LlHQ5E/s400/tumblr_lhnf2s7VH61qh8u48o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5700882909942035858" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-QoMNT_osndk/Tx2azY9t3YI/AAAAAAAAVA8/B6FN6k0dQbg/s1600/tumblr_lhndfhW1Z71qckya7o1_400.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 266px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-QoMNT_osndk/Tx2azY9t3YI/AAAAAAAAVA8/B6FN6k0dQbg/s400/tumblr_lhndfhW1Z71qckya7o1_400.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5700882910986231170" /></a>so_alonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07998167170121902630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32814745.post-38973111892230252842012-01-17T05:53:00.000-08:002012-01-17T06:03:18.360-08:00the illusion of successI thought I was doing so well. My bones felt sharper. I bruised more easily. But no. I bought a scale. Sure I'm weighing myself midday post meals and workouts and stuff, but still, we are not doing well. We are terrible and fat and awful and made of failure that can only be fixed by diligent starvation. I weighed in at an appalling 125lbs. I have gained nearly 2 pounds. But I've been netting in the negative for weeks now. Headdesk. I hate everything. Mostly myself.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-65otCffp8xg/TxV-Ta58ntI/AAAAAAAAVA0/eGXTNoznbv4/s1600/tumblr_lhncuaKnna1qhvm15o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-65otCffp8xg/TxV-Ta58ntI/AAAAAAAAVA0/eGXTNoznbv4/s400/tumblr_lhncuaKnna1qhvm15o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5698599775612214994" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-WEl6LxJfRiM/TxV-TJGMsXI/AAAAAAAAVAk/DgoVqs9ovbU/s1600/tumblr_lhn81m24551qfxfp8o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 281px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-WEl6LxJfRiM/TxV-TJGMsXI/AAAAAAAAVAk/DgoVqs9ovbU/s400/tumblr_lhn81m24551qfxfp8o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5698599770831761778" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mCXq3iche4w/TxV-SrB5QbI/AAAAAAAAVAY/LJ3oi_Tkp4o/s1600/tumblr_lhn8xjUqzX1qfxfp8o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 244px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mCXq3iche4w/TxV-SrB5QbI/AAAAAAAAVAY/LJ3oi_Tkp4o/s400/tumblr_lhn8xjUqzX1qfxfp8o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5698599762760647090" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bubuIStgqSQ/TxV-SaxAfMI/AAAAAAAAVAM/SKGbdsrTSh8/s1600/tumblr_lhl29ofuFh1qgiu1yo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 281px; height: 400px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bubuIStgqSQ/TxV-SaxAfMI/AAAAAAAAVAM/SKGbdsrTSh8/s400/tumblr_lhl29ofuFh1qgiu1yo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5698599758394850498" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-N5k3cv0fXvo/TxV-SA6UH8I/AAAAAAAAVAA/t2i70sNnGRg/s1600/tumblr_lhl4kjP1S01qhvqv3o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 393px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-N5k3cv0fXvo/TxV-SA6UH8I/AAAAAAAAVAA/t2i70sNnGRg/s400/tumblr_lhl4kjP1S01qhvqv3o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5698599751454564290" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3rdd5mgLe0E/TxV-ChGohLI/AAAAAAAAU_0/PPrsJLM1qqM/s1600/tumblr_lhl2tbQeZ61qgerqco1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; 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cursor:hand;width: 265px; height: 400px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-5jw9MSM8ptA/TxV9olqc_DI/AAAAAAAAU-4/LqGRPvns9iY/s400/tumblr_lhi7vkmgaU1qd7is2o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5698599039765642290" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pU54ZiOA9AE/TxV9oEjFZvI/AAAAAAAAU-s/ces1JIGMwkA/s1600/tumblr_lhi3gnAea31qhy5b7o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 345px; height: 400px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pU54ZiOA9AE/TxV9oEjFZvI/AAAAAAAAU-s/ces1JIGMwkA/s400/tumblr_lhi3gnAea31qhy5b7o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5698599030876366578" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-JnxSI6KjQjU/TxV9nBBY8zI/AAAAAAAAU-g/U-pEJXOOt_g/s1600/tumblr_lhi1anuNFT1qho6p0o1_400.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 394px; height: 400px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-JnxSI6KjQjU/TxV9nBBY8zI/AAAAAAAAU-g/U-pEJXOOt_g/s400/tumblr_lhi1anuNFT1qho6p0o1_400.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5698599012749865778" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-q2kz1kvIKx4/TxV9myLQkVI/AAAAAAAAU-I/opQoW1XCoQs/s1600/tumblr_lhhhutRJoi1qhd366o1_400.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-q2kz1kvIKx4/TxV9myLQkVI/AAAAAAAAU-I/opQoW1XCoQs/s400/tumblr_lhhhutRJoi1qhd366o1_400.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5698599008764727634" /></a>so_alonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07998167170121902630noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32814745.post-70005221450956125792012-01-04T11:01:00.000-08:002012-01-04T11:05:01.416-08:00snobby moment (we all have them, don't judge)I'm trolling the thinspo tags on tumblr and girls are posting their Net calories for the day. The range is like 80-200 in either direction. I feel a bit smug because even after dinner I'm gonna be around -800 net. <br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-UCfoFlx6nPY/TwSibfgPWHI/AAAAAAAAU98/XnHkQjDN6NY/s1600/tumblr_lhhevl91pv1qf9r2qo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 280px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-UCfoFlx6nPY/TwSibfgPWHI/AAAAAAAAU98/XnHkQjDN6NY/s400/tumblr_lhhevl91pv1qf9r2qo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5693854422100039794" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yhNKQdPQqos/TwSia0rcTsI/AAAAAAAAU9w/feJoTIYL6PA/s1600/tumblr_lhh9apjHdn1qf9r2qo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 387px; height: 400px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-yhNKQdPQqos/TwSia0rcTsI/AAAAAAAAU9w/feJoTIYL6PA/s400/tumblr_lhh9apjHdn1qf9r2qo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5693854410604302018" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ZQ-vsl_OG7M/TwSiac7cBMI/AAAAAAAAU9k/pr0v5tO4jVk/s1600/tumblr_lhgbfkx1lg1qhz2oio1_400.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 312px; height: 400px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ZQ-vsl_OG7M/TwSiac7cBMI/AAAAAAAAU9k/pr0v5tO4jVk/s400/tumblr_lhgbfkx1lg1qhz2oio1_400.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5693854404228940994" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Lg8l_04TulA/TwSiaJHHO8I/AAAAAAAAU9U/cDgoI0hPz44/s1600/tumblr_lhg67vRqkP1qbzgqeo1_400.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Lg8l_04TulA/TwSiaJHHO8I/AAAAAAAAU9U/cDgoI0hPz44/s400/tumblr_lhg67vRqkP1qbzgqeo1_400.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5693854398909201346" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xM9-GdKS2K0/TwSiZ4d9WtI/AAAAAAAAU9M/Ywz_qM7JzrI/s1600/tumblr_lhf31wZoIz1qfhle1.png.jpeg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xM9-GdKS2K0/TwSiZ4d9WtI/AAAAAAAAU9M/Ywz_qM7JzrI/s400/tumblr_lhf31wZoIz1qfhle1.png.jpeg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5693854394441620178" /></a>so_alonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07998167170121902630noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32814745.post-68165638173489248072012-01-04T03:16:00.000-08:002012-01-04T04:09:35.173-08:00things that confuse meSo I started using MyFitnessPal.com. I'm not sure if it's making me fatter or not. I'm an athlete, like a real one, all I do is work out in some way or another since I'm in the circus. I told it how much weight I want to lose and how fast. It gave me a set amount of calories I could eat. I write in all my exercise and food for the day. The exercise adds more possible food calories to the amount I'm allowed to eat. And I usually come in about 700 under that number. BUT, it terrifies me that I'm eating so much at the same time. Like, it says I've eaten 500 calories already today. That just feels wrong. I know I need to burn more calories but since I've had two weeks off, I fucking hurt now (day 2 back in training) and I still have another 6 hours of physically demanding classes left of today. This of course ensures that I can eat whatever I damn well please, but that's no comfort to me at all.<br /><br />And yet, yesterday for example, I had ton of food. But I also burned a fuckload of calories, according to the site. And I was still really under on my "allotted" calories. And it says this cheeky little message when you're done entering stuff for the day. "If every day were like today, you weigh ____lbs in 5 weeks." Yesterday, with all that food, if every day was like that... it said I'd weigh 108 in 5 weeks. I'm aiming for under 120 in a few weeks. But I would be so thrilled to hit under 110. That can be my next goal I guess. Ugh. I just want to be thin. And toned. And light. So that lifting all this hulk isn't so hard... for me or anyone else.<br /><br />Stay strong and think thin my Skinnies! Hope you all got through the holiday bloodbath in one piece. Challenge of the day: do all the exercises in the jpg further down the page! and then 1 minute wall sit and one more minute plank!<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DBeblBFl7lY/TwQ2GXjXGKI/AAAAAAAAU9A/8VzgTvkuGrU/s1600/tumblr_lhedb0eCN51qftrjto1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 303px; height: 400px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-DBeblBFl7lY/TwQ2GXjXGKI/AAAAAAAAU9A/8VzgTvkuGrU/s400/tumblr_lhedb0eCN51qftrjto1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5693735311932594338" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-6GzTqrtSjSk/TwQ2F6RMvcI/AAAAAAAAU80/mEBMg64je2w/s1600/tumblr_lhdzz74Gxd1qhy3wdo1_400.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 302px; height: 400px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-6GzTqrtSjSk/TwQ2F6RMvcI/AAAAAAAAU80/mEBMg64je2w/s400/tumblr_lhdzz74Gxd1qhy3wdo1_400.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5693735304071790018" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-FKmeY4hO-d8/TwQ2FoIu4kI/AAAAAAAAU8o/BKnL5pqzHg8/s1600/tumblr_lhdp2l8wpg1qhbqpdo1_500.png"><img style="cursor:pointer; 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cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 384px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-XNW91CF68oI/TwQ1j7GyZDI/AAAAAAAAU7A/PTfwdl7k8PA/s400/tumblr_lhbo8fkNva1qg1nbco1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5693734720181003314" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wi99HHtnrTc/TwQ1jJyIOeI/AAAAAAAAU6w/oBikPl6nC1w/s1600/tumblr_lhbmlf7FTZ1qf2r3uo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 296px; height: 400px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wi99HHtnrTc/TwQ1jJyIOeI/AAAAAAAAU6w/oBikPl6nC1w/s400/tumblr_lhbmlf7FTZ1qf2r3uo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5693734706941016546" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZU8gojCKVvI/TwQ1i7n3h8I/AAAAAAAAU6g/LHfpHh5W8xY/s1600/tumblr_lhbiiaUKti1qfc0jvo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 267px; height: 400px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZU8gojCKVvI/TwQ1i7n3h8I/AAAAAAAAU6g/LHfpHh5W8xY/s400/tumblr_lhbiiaUKti1qfc0jvo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5693734703139882946" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Cpmzg7ubvn8/TwQ1ivGVzXI/AAAAAAAAU6Y/MgELQgqoTHk/s1600/tumblr_lhbdbuXdeQ1qf0wi5o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 267px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Cpmzg7ubvn8/TwQ1ivGVzXI/AAAAAAAAU6Y/MgELQgqoTHk/s400/tumblr_lhbdbuXdeQ1qf0wi5o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5693734699778035058" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-IUNsOj2vS-A/TwQ1XZVvgUI/AAAAAAAAU6M/tbv8p3OKkLs/s1600/tumblr_lhawec9REx1qdqjfgo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 267px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-IUNsOj2vS-A/TwQ1XZVvgUI/AAAAAAAAU6M/tbv8p3OKkLs/s400/tumblr_lhawec9REx1qdqjfgo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5693734504958492994" /></a>so_alonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07998167170121902630noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32814745.post-69470678936228411012011-12-24T16:58:00.000-08:002011-12-24T17:10:53.057-08:00omigod 200 followersSo much to celebrate! I have 200 followers! In honor of my huge batch of lovelies, I'm going to do 200 squats, 200 situps, and 200 fonda's (inner thigh lifts). Also, I stepped on a scale today, something I haven't done for months, and I'm under 125! I'm so close! That's like one GM diet away from being reasonably thin again!<br /><br />Despite the fact that it's christmas and i'm at my mom's cooking pies and potatoes and awful stuff, I have made it down to 122 ish. That's so nice. And I'm changing up my calorie intake and exercise regimen so often that it will probably just make me lose more weight. I'm drinking tons of water and really my calorie intake is pretty normal (by like standard american normal), and I'm just not overexercising like I want to. I'm trapped with shitty lungs due to allergies, so I can't do really any cardio. But I'll be back in school soon enough. I'm going to buy a scale again once I'm back home. And I've got my reps to do because of you lovelies!<br /><br />So hooray! Stay strong, think thin, and Happy Holidays. Enjoy your family time, skip the eggnog and we'll all get through to 2012 thinner and happier. Join me in the 200 challenge when you read this. Squats, situps, and side-lying crossover lifts (fonda's). 200 of each. <br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hYZuCfh_YTE/TvZ2QVWh85I/AAAAAAAAU6A/xQGbo-GCK4U/s1600/tumblr_lharkdLtii1qfaf62.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 278px; height: 400px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hYZuCfh_YTE/TvZ2QVWh85I/AAAAAAAAU6A/xQGbo-GCK4U/s400/tumblr_lharkdLtii1qfaf62.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5689865202210829202" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TIu8fOWa9qM/TvZ2P95tKsI/AAAAAAAAU50/GD7X_7hHA4Y/s1600/tumblr_lhark2aSuR1qfaf62.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 266px; height: 400px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TIu8fOWa9qM/TvZ2P95tKsI/AAAAAAAAU50/GD7X_7hHA4Y/s400/tumblr_lhark2aSuR1qfaf62.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5689865195915913922" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ueeOW2Y4-h8/TvZ2PnRXaSI/AAAAAAAAU5o/OdevU26j6_o/s1600/tumblr_lh694gvCVr1qdee0io1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 263px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ueeOW2Y4-h8/TvZ2PnRXaSI/AAAAAAAAU5o/OdevU26j6_o/s400/tumblr_lh694gvCVr1qdee0io1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5689865189841135906" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-IfkMxlN8it4/TvZ2PWjgUEI/AAAAAAAAU5c/dTa5O_Trm5c/s1600/tumblr_lh403n4ezQ1qhpyiio1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 344px; height: 400px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-IfkMxlN8it4/TvZ2PWjgUEI/AAAAAAAAU5c/dTa5O_Trm5c/s400/tumblr_lh403n4ezQ1qhpyiio1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5689865185353814082" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-hTqrfeiwdoI/TvZ2PK1rZvI/AAAAAAAAU5Q/8QKTeWm7brM/s1600/tumblr_lh228qXHGp1qgrup0o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 284px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-hTqrfeiwdoI/TvZ2PK1rZvI/AAAAAAAAU5Q/8QKTeWm7brM/s400/tumblr_lh228qXHGp1qgrup0o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5689865182208812786" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-yEbLHwYgO_4/TvZ2Dl1OGfI/AAAAAAAAU5E/Hh1he9hpHrk/s1600/tumblr_lh91c20S2G1qfrz58o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; 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cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ocv0FOFHY34/TvZ1wp9yWrI/AAAAAAAAU3Y/e1Zx7sgX1M4/s400/tumblr_lh20zmVuG51qgrup0o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5689864657988377266" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vKuttbAZ1eo/TvZ1iBmpqnI/AAAAAAAAU3Q/XKWpHYJAXXg/s1600/tumblr_lh20gcN6QB1qgs95so1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 262px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vKuttbAZ1eo/TvZ1iBmpqnI/AAAAAAAAU3Q/XKWpHYJAXXg/s400/tumblr_lh20gcN6QB1qgs95so1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5689864406635752050" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-oECg-69MBfk/TvZ1hw6zlWI/AAAAAAAAU28/qYFaNrjJ4-M/s1600/tumblr_lh18j0ozOO1qe0c1so1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 261px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-oECg-69MBfk/TvZ1hw6zlWI/AAAAAAAAU28/qYFaNrjJ4-M/s400/tumblr_lh18j0ozOO1qe0c1so1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5689864402156885346" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YmbSEUh7UTI/TvZ1hpLTmhI/AAAAAAAAU20/DCijDOZ5VXI/s1600/tumblr_lh6lqd8tBa1qgvce6o1_400.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 170px; height: 400px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YmbSEUh7UTI/TvZ1hpLTmhI/AAAAAAAAU20/DCijDOZ5VXI/s400/tumblr_lh6lqd8tBa1qgvce6o1_400.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5689864400078608914" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bsfeStjSeIY/TvZ1hMNayDI/AAAAAAAAU2s/6D2lDWuyxtU/s1600/tumblr_lh6k1v15rg1qg5m8mo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bsfeStjSeIY/TvZ1hMNayDI/AAAAAAAAU2s/6D2lDWuyxtU/s400/tumblr_lh6k1v15rg1qg5m8mo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5689864392302839858" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-UoI0-4MlDTQ/TvZ1g_foJAI/AAAAAAAAU2c/Y5H9qGvPM6s/s1600/tumblr_lh6jm4j3YQ1qgerqco1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 266px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-UoI0-4MlDTQ/TvZ1g_foJAI/AAAAAAAAU2c/Y5H9qGvPM6s/s400/tumblr_lh6jm4j3YQ1qgerqco1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5689864388889551874" /></a>so_alonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07998167170121902630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32814745.post-51698765698767802052011-12-12T02:29:00.000-08:002011-12-12T02:37:40.770-08:00can i cry now?i hate my thighs so much. it's actually embarrassing to walk around in leggings without short or a long top on over them. but i had to change out of a dress into another dress and then take both back home, but i didn't want to put the other one on, so i just kept my unitard and leggings on. and it was the most painful 5 minutes of my life. people SAW me. ew. Why would I let that happen... i just feel so fat today. my gut is huge and saggy and my thighs big chunky monstrous things and I don't deserve to eat ever, but I have to otherwise my body will quit and I'll get hurt and I'll lose the course and my time here. I hate that balance. I just have to ace this week and I'm already skipping practice time to write this (among other things) and drink green tea. Ugh. Maybe I'll feel better later when I've had more than 2 hours sleep before an intensive morning. <br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-p3VODmBk5Xk/TuXYaJeaudI/AAAAAAAAU2M/EshvXmI1GEo/s1600/tumblr_lh20gcN6QB1qgs95so1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 262px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-p3VODmBk5Xk/TuXYaJeaudI/AAAAAAAAU2M/EshvXmI1GEo/s400/tumblr_lh20gcN6QB1qgs95so1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5685188048356817362" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4HWMi-MHyYo/TuXYZurSd9I/AAAAAAAAU2E/XeTqQTH_Kio/s1600/tumblr_lh18j0ozOO1qe0c1so1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 261px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4HWMi-MHyYo/TuXYZurSd9I/AAAAAAAAU2E/XeTqQTH_Kio/s400/tumblr_lh18j0ozOO1qe0c1so1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5685188041163044818" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pPWp3g4OAGk/TuXYZItV29I/AAAAAAAAU10/5uBmwwJNc4g/s1600/tumblr_lh6lqd8tBa1qgvce6o1_400.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; 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cursor:hand;width: 299px; height: 400px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_TKbMaLMA-E/TuXYFmBw7xI/AAAAAAAAU0s/icvJUBM8Ejs/s400/tumblr_lh5ok9Vayd1qd0ln0o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5685187695244013330" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wJ1XlmAJq6M/TuXYFUnijdI/AAAAAAAAU0g/rE_qlonrZBY/s1600/tumblr_lh4vb07HmA1qgkvq0o1_500.png"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 203px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wJ1XlmAJq6M/TuXYFUnijdI/AAAAAAAAU0g/rE_qlonrZBY/s400/tumblr_lh4vb07HmA1qgkvq0o1_500.png" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5685187690570616274" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-IUcJG7mZzJQ/TuXX2mahXQI/AAAAAAAAU0M/kbmeMUexU-4/s1600/tumblr_lh4thqFUVi1qgzwigo1_400.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 244px; height: 400px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-IUcJG7mZzJQ/TuXX2mahXQI/AAAAAAAAU0M/kbmeMUexU-4/s400/tumblr_lh4thqFUVi1qgzwigo1_400.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5685187437649812738" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lQuxuMqRH0M/TuXX2Vn5WMI/AAAAAAAAU0E/Qdv2SLibGsk/s1600/tumblr_lh4lpguLKh1qfmhedo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 267px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lQuxuMqRH0M/TuXX2Vn5WMI/AAAAAAAAU0E/Qdv2SLibGsk/s400/tumblr_lh4lpguLKh1qfmhedo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5685187433142507714" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bKRVFTze0IE/TuXX1xRM80I/AAAAAAAAUz4/E5a5sZ-8_I8/s1600/tumblr_lh4jj2BpL21qhrfs6o1_400.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 276px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bKRVFTze0IE/TuXX1xRM80I/AAAAAAAAUz4/E5a5sZ-8_I8/s400/tumblr_lh4jj2BpL21qhrfs6o1_400.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5685187423383647042" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-q8FDok2Hv94/TuXX1uZAmzI/AAAAAAAAUzw/XbzfXr5wc1Y/s1600/tumblr_lh3d48gZqR1qhurmco1_400.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 275px; height: 400px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-q8FDok2Hv94/TuXX1uZAmzI/AAAAAAAAUzw/XbzfXr5wc1Y/s400/tumblr_lh3d48gZqR1qhurmco1_400.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5685187422611086130" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0mKBMhiCvFY/TuXX1cKEpbI/AAAAAAAAUzg/5Dz9GOd1_N0/s1600/tumblr_lh2o4uV4At1qboappo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 263px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0mKBMhiCvFY/TuXX1cKEpbI/AAAAAAAAUzg/5Dz9GOd1_N0/s400/tumblr_lh2o4uV4At1qboappo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5685187417716598194" /></a>so_alonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07998167170121902630noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32814745.post-43051851701855321242011-12-11T08:11:00.001-08:002011-12-11T08:20:48.767-08:00paper writing vs the chubsI'm doing academic crap and it's awful. I keep drinking tea and getting more caffeinated and then getting hungry and the eating something and then hating myself. Fuck. Oh well. I'm interspersing the writing with situps and squats and jacks so I think we'll balance out okay. I'm supposed to have a do nothing, eat everything day anyway. The last two pics are me from yesterday, so i'm really not doing too badly. I'll just have to take it out of my hide all week until i go home for xmas, when I can really get my starve on, oddly enough. I've had about 500cal today, plus tea. I'll probably end up around 1200, maybe less if the boy doesn't come up.<br /><br />He made a wonderful and perfect apology for his going to psycho at me. So things are looking up in that respect... minus the part where I have to go home to my other boyfriend and rapidly readjust and convince my body that this is what it wants instead of what it's used to... relationships are dumb. <br /><br />But oh well. Enjoy the thinspo. Laugh at my fat. If you want to contribute thinspo, toss it in my comments and i'll throw it in the folder for future posting. Stay strong, think thin. And on this lazy sunday, do 50 squats, 50 pushups, and 100 ab reps of your choice. Try to make half of the pushups the tricep kind.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DnqiEzw-yKE/TuTW7QFewuI/AAAAAAAAUzQ/GBXbnm64PKA/s1600/tumblr_lh2njkmG131qgxv90o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 361px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DnqiEzw-yKE/TuTW7QFewuI/AAAAAAAAUzQ/GBXbnm64PKA/s400/tumblr_lh2njkmG131qgxv90o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5684904943066989282" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jbHaoxAQ-Ho/TuTW7I_f34I/AAAAAAAAUzI/mtxSHKf0PPc/s1600/tumblr_lh2mulWilp1qziw17o1_400.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 213px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jbHaoxAQ-Ho/TuTW7I_f34I/AAAAAAAAUzI/mtxSHKf0PPc/s400/tumblr_lh2mulWilp1qziw17o1_400.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5684904941162848130" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OnXSAzpminM/TuTW6yFX4EI/AAAAAAAAUy8/xygdaKUhViQ/s1600/tumblr_lh2k3kxzui1qfr9a6o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 317px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OnXSAzpminM/TuTW6yFX4EI/AAAAAAAAUy8/xygdaKUhViQ/s400/tumblr_lh2k3kxzui1qfr9a6o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5684904935013474370" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-7aHdInXOwe0/TuTW6dExkSI/AAAAAAAAUyw/o0UOxGe6oEI/s1600/tumblr_lh2iu35YTn1qhu1o8o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-7aHdInXOwe0/TuTW6dExkSI/AAAAAAAAUyw/o0UOxGe6oEI/s400/tumblr_lh2iu35YTn1qhu1o8o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5684904929373819170" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9s8VsVByk7A/TuTW6AYrfQI/AAAAAAAAUyk/qp5Ar0-oPcA/s1600/tumblr_lh1tjdrgL21qgs65lo1_500.png"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 284px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9s8VsVByk7A/TuTW6AYrfQI/AAAAAAAAUyk/qp5Ar0-oPcA/s400/tumblr_lh1tjdrgL21qgs65lo1_500.png" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5684904921672678658" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zewDXHM7cCY/TuTWrAkW7dI/AAAAAAAAUyY/ykUpvSDisP0/s1600/tumblr_lh1prksBNV1qzc7hxo1_400.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 310px; height: 400px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zewDXHM7cCY/TuTWrAkW7dI/AAAAAAAAUyY/ykUpvSDisP0/s400/tumblr_lh1prksBNV1qzc7hxo1_400.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5684904664023625170" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nIHW9JTAZiQ/TuTWq6PwBAI/AAAAAAAAUyM/NEwzOkW_GWw/s1600/tumblr_lh1dvc52W21qfa4yco1_400.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-nIHW9JTAZiQ/TuTWq6PwBAI/AAAAAAAAUyM/NEwzOkW_GWw/s400/tumblr_lh1dvc52W21qfa4yco1_400.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5684904662326576130" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-AV3I5dnRKH0/TuTWqmOShEI/AAAAAAAAUx8/Bd9ec7TZ41o/s1600/tumblr_lh1ddogHvq1qb720oo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 314px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-AV3I5dnRKH0/TuTWqmOShEI/AAAAAAAAUx8/Bd9ec7TZ41o/s400/tumblr_lh1ddogHvq1qb720oo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5684904656951739458" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4ZcjeZheZq0/TuTWqUtAXjI/AAAAAAAAUxw/aEQmM03bJDE/s1600/tumblr_lgzyzzEgcS1qzspj1o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 265px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-4ZcjeZheZq0/TuTWqUtAXjI/AAAAAAAAUxw/aEQmM03bJDE/s400/tumblr_lgzyzzEgcS1qzspj1o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5684904652248735282" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pn9TF98BDmw/TuTWqPAmZXI/AAAAAAAAUxo/nfmsUi3J29c/s1600/tumblr_lgzyp6Ybi91qzspj1o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 266px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pn9TF98BDmw/TuTWqPAmZXI/AAAAAAAAUxo/nfmsUi3J29c/s400/tumblr_lgzyp6Ybi91qzspj1o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5684904650720306546" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-rZbhkt9CQLM/TuTWaC1hXlI/AAAAAAAAUxc/G5MmGkmfzQc/s1600/tumblr_lgzqo8vIOa1qh5l40o1_400.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 275px; height: 400px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-rZbhkt9CQLM/TuTWaC1hXlI/AAAAAAAAUxc/G5MmGkmfzQc/s400/tumblr_lgzqo8vIOa1qh5l40o1_400.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5684904372574707282" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-r7icOpJdnOg/TuTWZ8YZGgI/AAAAAAAAUxQ/rAPbuFgn_ao/s1600/tumblr_lgzp2pu2up1qh5l40o1_400.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 289px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-r7icOpJdnOg/TuTWZ8YZGgI/AAAAAAAAUxQ/rAPbuFgn_ao/s400/tumblr_lgzp2pu2up1qh5l40o1_400.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5684904370841917954" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zDWujL1cdeI/TuTWZcXs2tI/AAAAAAAAUxI/-staRpxewKw/s1600/tumblr_lgyxe2IcIu1qfi48ko1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 267px; height: 400px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zDWujL1cdeI/TuTWZcXs2tI/AAAAAAAAUxI/-staRpxewKw/s400/tumblr_lgyxe2IcIu1qfi48ko1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5684904362249083602" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MyeZ3BVGJUk/TuTWZAqkn0I/AAAAAAAAUw0/ygwRxxxSEE8/s1600/Photo%2Bon%2B2011-12-10%2Bat%2B13.12%2B%25232.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MyeZ3BVGJUk/TuTWZAqkn0I/AAAAAAAAUw0/ygwRxxxSEE8/s400/Photo%2Bon%2B2011-12-10%2Bat%2B13.12%2B%25232.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5684904354812043074" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-6o9EBOQpQZA/TuTWZPKTuWI/AAAAAAAAUws/9BuH2REjkeE/s1600/Photo%2Bon%2B2011-12-10%2Bat%2B13.12.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-6o9EBOQpQZA/TuTWZPKTuWI/AAAAAAAAUws/9BuH2REjkeE/s400/Photo%2Bon%2B2011-12-10%2Bat%2B13.12.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5684904358703249762" /></a>so_alonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07998167170121902630noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32814745.post-91487004460730874402011-12-08T14:05:00.000-08:002011-12-08T14:17:37.343-08:00when it costs too muchThanks to a comment, the last three are my prog photos. Still tubby, but much better. We're going down to less than 1000 cal over the weekend, training or no. Shouldn't be too hard. I'm too stressed to really be hungry and gnawing need for chocolate loses its excuse probably tonight. But hopefully when the bleeding bloat leaves I'll be even skinnier. <br /><br />Got in a huge stupid fight with the boy. So I really haven't been hungry. It's totally not my fault either, but I feel really bad for blowing him off today, despite my righteous indignation. I just wasn't ready to let him say his piece yet. But now I'm lonely and angry at myself because I probably won't get to see him tomorrow no matter what and then he's stupid busy through Monday. Oh well. I have a paper to write. Ugh. Do not want. BUT, if I'm typing, I'm not eating, so life is good on that front.<br /><br />Stay strong my skinnies. Think thin and do 45 squats, 45 bicycle crunches, 45 back situps with 25 jumping jack in between.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-kkOHqHTGqgU/TuE1w48KrgI/AAAAAAAAUwc/y0Budv_AHSU/s1600/tumblr_lgyqlgV7xP1qhrfs6o1_500.png"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 349px; height: 400px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-kkOHqHTGqgU/TuE1w48KrgI/AAAAAAAAUwc/y0Budv_AHSU/s400/tumblr_lgyqlgV7xP1qhrfs6o1_500.png" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5683883318753013250" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-peTFacBpf5k/TuE1woxoHLI/AAAAAAAAUwQ/Z2cJVLcjjJQ/s1600/tumblr_lgyqca3rg41qci2yao1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 301px; height: 400px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-peTFacBpf5k/TuE1woxoHLI/AAAAAAAAUwQ/Z2cJVLcjjJQ/s400/tumblr_lgyqca3rg41qci2yao1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5683883314413837490" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4clKuUYzFuA/TuE1wHRFJ2I/AAAAAAAAUwE/fYR4UZQjHu8/s1600/tumblr_lgyoy7ZyGE1qziw17o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 278px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4clKuUYzFuA/TuE1wHRFJ2I/AAAAAAAAUwE/fYR4UZQjHu8/s400/tumblr_lgyoy7ZyGE1qziw17o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5683883305418958690" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1M0HbQC0GkE/TuE1wBGZQbI/AAAAAAAAUv0/vWxd9mGDgzE/s1600/tumblr_lgyobaVpxV1qerc8oo1_400.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 400px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1M0HbQC0GkE/TuE1wBGZQbI/AAAAAAAAUv0/vWxd9mGDgzE/s400/tumblr_lgyobaVpxV1qerc8oo1_400.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5683883303763526066" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-M0-olQcOQI8/TuE1v1JtHbI/AAAAAAAAUvs/uM_1V9JmexI/s1600/tumblr_lgymmvEzlw1qdo0g8o1_400.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-M0-olQcOQI8/TuE1v1JtHbI/AAAAAAAAUvs/uM_1V9JmexI/s400/tumblr_lgymmvEzlw1qdo0g8o1_400.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5683883300556185010" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-B4aX-HFsLGk/TuE1hVXCJQI/AAAAAAAAUvg/MlGSsrP1Ajw/s1600/tumblr_lgym3lcbUY1qgeproo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 266px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-B4aX-HFsLGk/TuE1hVXCJQI/AAAAAAAAUvg/MlGSsrP1Ajw/s400/tumblr_lgym3lcbUY1qgeproo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5683883051503985922" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Bfyr32hsO8I/TuE1hRUZV7I/AAAAAAAAUvQ/1uIgZCl73AE/s1600/tumblr_lgykxrKVqx1qfc3fao1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 299px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Bfyr32hsO8I/TuE1hRUZV7I/AAAAAAAAUvQ/1uIgZCl73AE/s400/tumblr_lgykxrKVqx1qfc3fao1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5683883050419181490" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-CcpqcHtXN3E/TuE1g3d55WI/AAAAAAAAUvI/zcXVn4aNKlY/s1600/tumblr_lgyfn1RYPc1qgcm42o1_500.png"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 273px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-CcpqcHtXN3E/TuE1g3d55WI/AAAAAAAAUvI/zcXVn4aNKlY/s400/tumblr_lgyfn1RYPc1qgcm42o1_500.png" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5683883043479741794" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5atBLBgfi8w/TuE1gsNnIYI/AAAAAAAAUu8/3mcga4rnDnE/s1600/tumblr_lgyeg9Knsh1qc5fbmo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 286px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5atBLBgfi8w/TuE1gsNnIYI/AAAAAAAAUu8/3mcga4rnDnE/s400/tumblr_lgyeg9Knsh1qc5fbmo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5683883040458613122" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-A7QcKR586IE/TuE1gRHlepI/AAAAAAAAUuw/Sr4q2Of0qXs/s1600/tumblr_lgxvo0o6WP1qfmhedo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 374px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-A7QcKR586IE/TuE1gRHlepI/AAAAAAAAUuw/Sr4q2Of0qXs/s400/tumblr_lgxvo0o6WP1qfmhedo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5683883033185581714" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-tCde8JfgTiI/TuE1NjU9kVI/AAAAAAAAUuk/r-cV5cqnkvg/s1600/tumblr_lgxpzkNDvN1qeje2mo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-tCde8JfgTiI/TuE1NjU9kVI/AAAAAAAAUuk/r-cV5cqnkvg/s400/tumblr_lgxpzkNDvN1qeje2mo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5683882711656010066" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_xgL3nWkNog/TuE1NRKepxI/AAAAAAAAUuU/dACCzd03xdE/s1600/tumblr_lgxlu36E7R1qcudxmo1_400.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 267px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-_xgL3nWkNog/TuE1NRKepxI/AAAAAAAAUuU/dACCzd03xdE/s400/tumblr_lgxlu36E7R1qcudxmo1_400.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5683882706780202770" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hnW4vd5Meto/TuE1NHgJ1mI/AAAAAAAAUuM/ngQLdxnm__g/s1600/Photo%2Bon%2B2011-12-08%2Bat%2B16.06%2B%25232.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hnW4vd5Meto/TuE1NHgJ1mI/AAAAAAAAUuM/ngQLdxnm__g/s400/Photo%2Bon%2B2011-12-08%2Bat%2B16.06%2B%25232.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5683882704186758754" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-S2Fb8ERZzmA/TuE1MgNqkWI/AAAAAAAAUuE/WcwP810HWxU/s1600/Photo%2Bon%2B2011-12-08%2Bat%2B16.06.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-S2Fb8ERZzmA/TuE1MgNqkWI/AAAAAAAAUuE/WcwP810HWxU/s400/Photo%2Bon%2B2011-12-08%2Bat%2B16.06.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5683882693640229218" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-muc87Gfteq4/TuE1Mt15xDI/AAAAAAAAUt0/XKbvJor0UW0/s1600/Photo%2Bon%2B2011-12-08%2Bat%2B16.05.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-muc87Gfteq4/TuE1Mt15xDI/AAAAAAAAUt0/XKbvJor0UW0/s400/Photo%2Bon%2B2011-12-08%2Bat%2B16.05.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5683882697298658354" /></a>so_alonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07998167170121902630noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32814745.post-78075051410961701822011-12-07T10:47:00.000-08:002011-12-07T10:58:24.325-08:00eat tearsToday sucks. But eating disorder wise, today is actually quite good. I had to wear a leotard, tights, and shorts for a lesson and one the rudest guys at school asked me if i'd lost weight and said I looked really good. Which prompted my tiny perfect housemate to say she wanted to try out my diet because I looked so amazing. I did look a little better. I hadn't eaten much today and my ribs were pokey and my hipbones made more of my shape than my actual hips. my legs looked okay too. More reinforcement to keep starving.<br /><br />As for the suck of today... I was too sore in the morning to go in to school and so i slept in, curled up with the boy. But then when we woke up, it turned into a huge fight. I meant to say something funny and sweet and he took it to be some kind of dismissal that if he couldn't just tend to my every need then he should just go. And I said "like I have the self worth to order anyone around like that" and he got super pissy and started ranting about how my view of myself was shitty but also fake and attention seeking and no wonder I'm always miserable because clearly I just want to be that way. No wonder I feel like I don't have any friends, etc. Fuck that. So I ended up sobbing and flinching away from him until he left right as I was trying to defend myself. He just walked out. So I've fucked it up with someone that I love. Oh well. At least I'm not hungry. Sigh. I'm just kinda sad now.<br /><br />Oh well. Stay strong and think thin! Today's homework is 80 bicycle crunches and 80 squats with 50 jumping jacks in between. Thanks for the feedback skinnies! You make this worth it.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QcnjzXyjnmQ/Tt-1cQEaUmI/AAAAAAAAUts/WbYZ384XjSg/s1600/tumblr_lgxhztnymX1qh8bpso1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 265px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QcnjzXyjnmQ/Tt-1cQEaUmI/AAAAAAAAUts/WbYZ384XjSg/s400/tumblr_lgxhztnymX1qh8bpso1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5683460751719289442" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DSBrExif-ps/Tt-1cfYbwEI/AAAAAAAAUtY/vKup4z-ouqw/s1600/tumblr_lgw791aZvF1qfi1swo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 257px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-DSBrExif-ps/Tt-1cfYbwEI/AAAAAAAAUtY/vKup4z-ouqw/s400/tumblr_lgw791aZvF1qfi1swo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5683460755829801026" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lXgB8jp4kEk/Tt-1cFoEfEI/AAAAAAAAUtQ/0IUI_bX6V8s/s1600/tumblr_lgw7osi1YT1qdf2eeo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 298px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lXgB8jp4kEk/Tt-1cFoEfEI/AAAAAAAAUtQ/0IUI_bX6V8s/s400/tumblr_lgw7osi1YT1qdf2eeo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5683460748916063298" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--4WWHJvIeSQ/Tt-1b8Mp_YI/AAAAAAAAUtE/FMxJwaWOSEo/s1600/tumblr_lgvyf6gVjt1qcxflwo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 266px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--4WWHJvIeSQ/Tt-1b8Mp_YI/AAAAAAAAUtE/FMxJwaWOSEo/s400/tumblr_lgvyf6gVjt1qcxflwo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5683460746385161602" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-pPLTVQBD2bc/Tt-1btPju5I/AAAAAAAAUs4/dZiFgkMHyws/s1600/tumblr_lgvss8AfG21qfhle1.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 393px; height: 400px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-pPLTVQBD2bc/Tt-1btPju5I/AAAAAAAAUs4/dZiFgkMHyws/s400/tumblr_lgvss8AfG21qfhle1.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5683460742370802578" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-lkBV-VR2L7A/Tt-1O4MmjUI/AAAAAAAAUss/NTWpsELVe74/s1600/tumblr_lgvrojYaEA1qf2qvmo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; 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cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 296px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/--85K4EXfZ58/Tt-1OPmNpXI/AAAAAAAAUsI/zUnPoZ2IAyk/s400/tumblr_lgv676siIm1qgoflj.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5683460511074461042" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-w6hRRF-GQKg/Tt-1N9XOg3I/AAAAAAAAUr8/D_gTqg9powc/s1600/tumblr_lgv67e2aq61qgoflj.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 276px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-w6hRRF-GQKg/Tt-1N9XOg3I/AAAAAAAAUr8/D_gTqg9powc/s400/tumblr_lgv67e2aq61qgoflj.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5683460506179765106" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-QKjV2G7CByg/Tt-0-86nxaI/AAAAAAAAUrw/MG3TmpFeBEI/s1600/tumblr_lgu838YMaG1qfwbh0o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-QKjV2G7CByg/Tt-0-86nxaI/AAAAAAAAUrw/MG3TmpFeBEI/s400/tumblr_lgu838YMaG1qfwbh0o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5683460248361747874" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-REozns_Ulys/Tt-0-tXVqjI/AAAAAAAAUrk/6I-fO9Z6Wis/s1600/tumblr_lgtivaM0PV1qfv3llo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-REozns_Ulys/Tt-0-tXVqjI/AAAAAAAAUrk/6I-fO9Z6Wis/s400/tumblr_lgtivaM0PV1qfv3llo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5683460244187228722" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-J_ICKhxHYHY/Tt-09mSrpKI/AAAAAAAAUrc/-PfUnXXsbbE/s1600/tumblr_lgthjt2tQA1qccjuuo1_400.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 362px; height: 202px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-J_ICKhxHYHY/Tt-09mSrpKI/AAAAAAAAUrc/-PfUnXXsbbE/s400/tumblr_lgthjt2tQA1qccjuuo1_400.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5683460225108780194" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zCxlsRP86n0/Tt-09kDElYI/AAAAAAAAUrI/vyNaJaAjXVA/s1600/tumblr_lgtg90PeNx1qgk9sio1_400.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-zCxlsRP86n0/Tt-09kDElYI/AAAAAAAAUrI/vyNaJaAjXVA/s400/tumblr_lgtg90PeNx1qgk9sio1_400.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5683460224506434946" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FAZmreMQ1fY/Tt-09Q39HDI/AAAAAAAAUrA/T6VhPfDIXyE/s1600/tumblr_lgsbn3Jcyd1qbsxz9o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 267px; height: 400px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FAZmreMQ1fY/Tt-09Q39HDI/AAAAAAAAUrA/T6VhPfDIXyE/s400/tumblr_lgsbn3Jcyd1qbsxz9o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5683460219359534130" /></a>so_alonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07998167170121902630noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32814745.post-39537960403630510042011-12-06T05:11:00.000-08:002011-12-06T05:21:21.506-08:00end of GM diet updateSo I look about 7lbs lighter than I was at the beginning, maybe a little less, but there is definitely a difference. My bones hurt on the floor more and my chest ribs stick out more prominently. I think the best part of the result though, is how unsafe food feels. I know I have to eat a certain amount, but eating what was normal before the diet just feels wrong. I couldn't even eat carbs at lunch. I voluntarily had a salad with some shrimp and a half piece of corn. This is really quite thrilling and I hope it sticks. Dinner tonight is with the boy and we're "celebrating" the end of my cleanse with salmon and veggies. I forget just how absurdly healthy I eat on a daily basis. I just have to keep eating less.<br /><br />I went for a hell of a run today and did around 300 situps and a bunch of pushups and other conditioning stuff. And I have a full day of training still ahead. Whew. I really like how little appetite I have. It's novel. I don't want to ruin it. Even though I'm kinda period bloaty, I wonder if I keep up the restriction if I'll lose even more once I'm done bleeding. Guess I'll just keep hoping and working at it.<br /><br />Stay strong and think thin lovelies. Do 50 jumping jacks and 80 situps today if you read this far.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-rS7hUFLePFs/Tt4VT5J4VpI/AAAAAAAAUqw/EI3Z5z9ueGY/s1600/tumblr_lgsbkxPuUR1qbsxz9o1_500.png"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 267px; height: 400px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-rS7hUFLePFs/Tt4VT5J4VpI/AAAAAAAAUqw/EI3Z5z9ueGY/s400/tumblr_lgsbkxPuUR1qbsxz9o1_500.png" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5683003211292104338" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zk0XGszsFqo/Tt4VTgU6l4I/AAAAAAAAUqg/RhP2DbbA3jY/s1600/tumblr_lgs69oPgH51qg5m8mo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 265px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zk0XGszsFqo/Tt4VTgU6l4I/AAAAAAAAUqg/RhP2DbbA3jY/s400/tumblr_lgs69oPgH51qg5m8mo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5683003204627502978" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-iFd4DTkMJHA/Tt4VTtYF5YI/AAAAAAAAUqY/DrPerjbytJY/s1600/tumblr_lgrmwhe2LW1qb577do1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; 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cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 291px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-qibQgAQBYK4/Tt4U0jyXgfI/AAAAAAAAUos/YJRLhAPu3EY/s400/tumblr_lgmkr5QYfP1qc2afwo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5683002672980394482" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-UG-Ajc3Jd4A/Tt4U0nMNrUI/AAAAAAAAUoc/7BsKXFte-iw/s1600/tumblr_lgmjx4Olgw1qgcge3o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 266px; height: 400px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-UG-Ajc3Jd4A/Tt4U0nMNrUI/AAAAAAAAUoc/7BsKXFte-iw/s400/tumblr_lgmjx4Olgw1qgcge3o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5683002673894108482" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xK3w6o8cLqM/Tt4U0ZLOn4I/AAAAAAAAUoU/RedBxCsgyJ4/s1600/tumblr_lgmjtxrZ7H1qgcge3o1_400.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 276px; height: 400px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xK3w6o8cLqM/Tt4U0ZLOn4I/AAAAAAAAUoU/RedBxCsgyJ4/s400/tumblr_lgmjtxrZ7H1qgcge3o1_400.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5683002670131879810" /></a>so_alonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07998167170121902630noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32814745.post-60550640524153333802011-12-05T05:34:00.000-08:002011-12-05T05:45:39.510-08:00people and how they talkIt's funny how people always talk about eating disorders as though no one around them actually has one. My friend jokingly said "Stop being so anorexic." So I gave her a kind of sad smile and said "if only I could". She responded with "I know, right? I just like food too much ever really do that." As though I meant that I wasn't sick. As though I don't suffer and hate myself and work myself overly hard and agonize over calorie. Like I could just stop. I know she didn't mean anything bad. I don't want to get caught. I don't want to her worry about me but at the same time, it would be a sign that I'm getting closer, getting thinner. She did say that I looked like I'd lost weight. So at least I get that small reprieve.<br /><br />Stay strong and think thin my lovelies! Drink a glass of water and do 50 situps when you read this today.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-NxAQ3zh5YIY/TtzJV7EKGOI/AAAAAAAAUoE/VClaD-Q7bGU/s1600/tumblr_lgmie59Wdb1qg318so1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 270px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-NxAQ3zh5YIY/TtzJV7EKGOI/AAAAAAAAUoE/VClaD-Q7bGU/s400/tumblr_lgmie59Wdb1qg318so1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5682638208304290018" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-9Ev3N2t6Pt0/TtzJVfEPoyI/AAAAAAAAUn8/QXniGrqV-HQ/s1600/tumblr_lgmfx3e4v81qeg9mqo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 267px; height: 400px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-9Ev3N2t6Pt0/TtzJVfEPoyI/AAAAAAAAUn8/QXniGrqV-HQ/s400/tumblr_lgmfx3e4v81qeg9mqo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5682638200788460322" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-9HKkUdSJGEM/TtzJU3leodI/AAAAAAAAUnw/JoRHRmUDIdM/s1600/tumblr_lgmflnlHKk1qfaf62.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; 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cursor:hand;width: 278px; height: 400px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-4cAmBOW53zI/TtzJEazuokI/AAAAAAAAUmo/X_ILOw7YLpA/s400/tumblr_lgm6fdHP2X1qfi47eo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5682637907587670594" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-bvClKuBIZ10/TtzJEeXgSPI/AAAAAAAAUmc/tLTV2Agzg5Q/s1600/tumblr_lgm4y1bUro1qeg9mqo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 307px; height: 400px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-bvClKuBIZ10/TtzJEeXgSPI/AAAAAAAAUmc/tLTV2Agzg5Q/s400/tumblr_lgm4y1bUro1qeg9mqo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5682637908543031538" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/--jzXSyVwd-s/TtzIzMiunSI/AAAAAAAAUmQ/Jb38sxAE5Dk/s1600/tumblr_lgm4s5Uy2h1qgi8j9o1_500.png"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 305px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/--jzXSyVwd-s/TtzIzMiunSI/AAAAAAAAUmQ/Jb38sxAE5Dk/s400/tumblr_lgm4s5Uy2h1qgi8j9o1_500.png" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5682637611700493602" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-4M87zeI9XvM/TtzIy2jVNWI/AAAAAAAAUmA/WFwWYaW3bPw/s1600/tumblr_lglvc3rXmx1qbaf3uo1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 277px; height: 400px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-4M87zeI9XvM/TtzIy2jVNWI/AAAAAAAAUmA/WFwWYaW3bPw/s400/tumblr_lglvc3rXmx1qbaf3uo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5682637605797442914" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-KX1lb2u3D48/TtzIySX9t5I/AAAAAAAAUl4/iONSeNuXBoo/s1600/tumblr_lglui8QbiJ1qh8u48o1_400.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-KX1lb2u3D48/TtzIySX9t5I/AAAAAAAAUl4/iONSeNuXBoo/s400/tumblr_lglui8QbiJ1qh8u48o1_400.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5682637596086089618" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YtfWRPrzY74/TtzIyBwzSuI/AAAAAAAAUls/ZVSyn05oNEw/s1600/tumblr_lglpm931lT1qci2yao1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 256px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YtfWRPrzY74/TtzIyBwzSuI/AAAAAAAAUls/ZVSyn05oNEw/s400/tumblr_lglpm931lT1qci2yao1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5682637591626861282" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-kFCg_XnGJSw/TtzIx3H41nI/AAAAAAAAUlg/3mqNThFOUYc/s1600/tumblr_lglioi0Uc71qh8u48o1_500.png"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 285px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-kFCg_XnGJSw/TtzIx3H41nI/AAAAAAAAUlg/3mqNThFOUYc/s400/tumblr_lglioi0Uc71qh8u48o1_500.png" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5682637588770903666" /></a>so_alonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07998167170121902630noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32814745.post-4533540360435068742011-12-04T05:50:00.000-08:002011-12-04T06:06:32.293-08:00progress... maybePhew. Fake meat, 1C rice, and 6 tomato day was super hard. I'm so glad that's over. My body feels like a train hit it. I haven't had a full day off this week, despite the crazy diet. Ah well. Such is life. Today lets me have 1C rice and the veggies I can eat. Easy day. Tomorrow, I can add fruit juice to that mix. <br /><br />I can't tell if it's progress from this diet or if I was just losing that much before, but the size 27 true religion jeans fit loosely at the waist now, the ancient tatters nearly fit as low on my hips as I'd like them to, and my painter shorts fit again, with a baggy low fit. So I am happy about this. I feel yesterday might have actually slowed my progress a little bit though. This worries me. Oh well, we'll know on tuesday morning whether or not it matters. If there isn't much change after that, it's back to mad restriction. Like ABC diet madness, despite the part where I burn 4k Cal per average day. I keep feeling like I'm getting sick and should take a day off, but then again my bones don't show so I haven't earned it.<br /><br />The boy almost noticed a difference. I am changing. We were on skype and he told me I looked extra beautiful and asked if I had changed anything. I told him I had straightened my hair a little bit, but stayed silent about the part where my collarbones looked extra sharp and my shoulders more fragile. He says he thinks I look thin anyway and I wish he wouldn't lie. Oh well. He says I'm good at circus too, so I might as well enjoy the flattery.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ut9XbSq_ENQ/Ttt8CiZIDQI/AAAAAAAAUlU/CnaN80akrzY/s1600/tumblr_lglha3PZtH1qcb1e5o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 271px; height: 400px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Ut9XbSq_ENQ/Ttt8CiZIDQI/AAAAAAAAUlU/CnaN80akrzY/s400/tumblr_lglha3PZtH1qcb1e5o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5682271737891785986" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FDwKgwNbPyU/Ttt8CAYmzlI/AAAAAAAAUlI/nd3Yo8hz7-I/s1600/tumblr_lgld93PKJS1qg5af2o1_400.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 354px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-FDwKgwNbPyU/Ttt8CAYmzlI/AAAAAAAAUlI/nd3Yo8hz7-I/s400/tumblr_lgld93PKJS1qg5af2o1_400.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5682271728762801746" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-q-RT4KWBox0/Ttt8Brt7pII/AAAAAAAAUk8/PIiWe7crtlA/s1600/tumblr_lglenf45aY1qbsbmvo1_400.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; 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cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Eiw_8DTASY4/Ttt68jBIeiI/AAAAAAAAUiI/SLWKYP_XXD0/s400/tumblr_lgirl50ybm1qeg9mqo1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5682270535468743202" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Fewqn06kwZU/Ttt670MzqQI/AAAAAAAAUiA/nGpchPYDhbg/s1600/tumblr_lgiqkjqlQ41qgxv90o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 274px; height: 400px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Fewqn06kwZU/Ttt670MzqQI/AAAAAAAAUiA/nGpchPYDhbg/s400/tumblr_lgiqkjqlQ41qgxv90o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5682270522901244162" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fYsY3H60ktE/Ttt67qm4_2I/AAAAAAAAUhw/xfAiQwQebno/s1600/tumblr_lgiqh6rvfS1qg7inno1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-fYsY3H60ktE/Ttt67qm4_2I/AAAAAAAAUhw/xfAiQwQebno/s400/tumblr_lgiqh6rvfS1qg7inno1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5682270520326291298" /></a>so_alonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07998167170121902630noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32814745.post-10875266606293741492011-12-02T15:54:00.000-08:002011-12-02T16:08:49.416-08:00nutritionally confused and emotionally fragileso here I am posting thinspo having consumed my last milk unit and banana of the day. no more for me.<br /><br />I hate how my brain just starts running in circles. All about love and circus and what did I really come back here for and what did I really leave home for the second time around. Am I a bad person for leaving Boy A behind knowing that I'll probably have to come back, while he was totally happy to give me my freedom with boy B... but even though I came back for school, more of that decision was really about coming back to Boy B and it was a rough summer for the relationship with Boy A and I just don't know if anything's left there... but boy B is engaged to Girl A and that won't ever change and even though he says he loves me, I know it will always be less than her... ugh. This nonsense keeps me from eating too much, let me tell you.<br /><br />BEFORE YOU COMMENT: Understand that I am in a polyamorous relationship. People who date people who also date other people. We believe that it is possible and maybe even natural to love more than one person at a time, like deeply love them. So if you want to tell me my beliefs are wrong, go for it. But don't go off on the "he's engaged, well then he's a cheating bastard..." etc. rant. I just wanted to lay my crazy out in words.<br /><br />speaking of my crazy, dammitall.... I want to be so skinny that people talk about me and worry about how skinny I'm getting. If nothing happens after this 7 day cleanse nonsense, or if I lose hella weight, and no one says anything or notices or worries, I might be a little sad. Because then it's not enough. I'm clearly not enough in control if I can't lose weight to the point where some I have sex with notices. I know that's really shallow, but I just want to know that I matter enough for people to worry. And I want to be incredibly thin so that I'm no longer repellant to myself. Ugh. Disordered living is complicated. And selfish. And I hate how that sounds but I wanted to write it down anyway because this is my Pro-Ana blog dammit. If I can't write it here, where it can inspire or at least inform other people who feel like me, then I might as well just have a diary.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_cvEQRh_4v8/Ttll8JFS41I/AAAAAAAAUhg/AkJHv9mPHnQ/s1600/tumblr_lgiq5exYFX1qztra9o1_500.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 157px; height: 400px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_cvEQRh_4v8/Ttll8JFS41I/AAAAAAAAUhg/AkJHv9mPHnQ/s400/tumblr_lgiq5exYFX1qztra9o1_500.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5681684488809276242" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0OPGijUrr_Y/Ttll7URCqHI/AAAAAAAAUhU/Tfz6j5eG_mM/s1600/tumblr_lgiphwQSgL1qeg9mqo1_500.png"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 283px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0OPGijUrr_Y/Ttll7URCqHI/AAAAAAAAUhU/Tfz6j5eG_mM/s400/tumblr_lgiphwQSgL1qeg9mqo1_500.png" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5681684474631465074" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-IDcRLtGkAes/Ttll7CCjZqI/AAAAAAAAUhI/eH7cv6ML5Zs/s1600/tumblr_lgioqupIZP1qeg9mqo1_500.png"><img style="cursor:pointer; 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