Thinner

uh oh.. on a few levels

2012-01-23T09:36:00.001-08:00

Ugh. I love and hate this. I feel like I'm more in control, but my grasp is so tenuous that I panic all the time. It's getting to a point where I freak out about food in front of the boy which is totally not allowed to happen. Part of this is that it's no one's business but mine and the people who support me. But oh god, I nearly freaked out the other day. The sound of chewing disgusts me on a good day, but when my blood sugar is super low it's nauseating and I had to eat with the boy but I was already so hungry I wasn't hungry and nearly cried. Ah well. He's not around tonight so food weirdness abounds.

The validity of my scale has been called into question. Two of the little sensor feet came off of it. They stuck back on, but that weirds me out a bit. This worry aside, it said I was 123.2 on Sunday morning which is really more than I could ask for. This sudden droppage might have come from water weight.

My period started randomly on Friday night. I take a monocyclic so I decide when my periods are, but apparently I've screwed up my body fat to the point that my period went weird. This is a good sign. Hopefully after this period I'll just keep losing. Sigh. It's so hard to starve on this course. Even people who eat normally are wrecked by the end of the day. Sigh. I just want to be thin. Stay strong and think thin my skinnies. Do 50 situps, 50 squats, and 1 minute plank tonight!

the illusion of success

2012-01-17T05:53:00.000-08:00

I thought I was doing so well. My bones felt sharper. I bruised more easily. But no. I bought a scale. Sure I'm weighing myself midday post meals and workouts and stuff, but still, we are not doing well. We are terrible and fat and awful and made of failure that can only be fixed by diligent starvation. I weighed in at an appalling 125lbs. I have gained nearly 2 pounds. But I've been netting in the negative for weeks now. Headdesk. I hate everything. Mostly myself.

snobby moment (we all have them, don't judge)

2012-01-04T11:01:00.000-08:00

I'm trolling the thinspo tags on tumblr and girls are posting their Net calories for the day. The range is like 80-200 in either direction. I feel a bit smug because even after dinner I'm gonna be around -800 net.

things that confuse me

2012-01-04T03:16:00.000-08:00

So I started using MyFitnessPal.com. I'm not sure if it's making me fatter or not. I'm an athlete, like a real one, all I do is work out in some way or another since I'm in the circus. I told it how much weight I want to lose and how fast. It gave me a set amount of calories I could eat. I write in all my exercise and food for the day. The exercise adds more possible food calories to the amount I'm allowed to eat. And I usually come in about 700 under that number. BUT, it terrifies me that I'm eating so much at the same time. Like, it says I've eaten 500 calories already today. That just feels wrong. I know I need to burn more calories but since I've had two weeks off, I fucking hurt now (day 2 back in training) and I still have another 6 hours of physically demanding classes left of today. This of course ensures that I can eat whatever I damn well please, but that's no comfort to me at all.

And yet, yesterday for example, I had ton of food. But I also burned a fuckload of calories, according to the site. And I was still really under on my "allotted" calories. And it says this cheeky little message when you're done entering stuff for the day. "If every day were like today, you weigh ____lbs in 5 weeks." Yesterday, with all that food, if every day was like that... it said I'd weigh 108 in 5 weeks. I'm aiming for under 120 in a few weeks. But I would be so thrilled to hit under 110. That can be my next goal I guess. Ugh. I just want to be thin. And toned. And light. So that lifting all this hulk isn't so hard... for me or anyone else.

Stay strong and think thin my Skinnies! Hope you all got through the holiday bloodbath in one piece. Challenge of the day: do all the exercises in the jpg further down the page! and then 1 minute wall sit and one more minute plank!

omigod 200 followers

2011-12-24T16:58:00.000-08:00

So much to celebrate! I have 200 followers! In honor of my huge batch of lovelies, I'm going to do 200 squats, 200 situps, and 200 fonda's (inner thigh lifts). Also, I stepped on a scale today, something I haven't done for months, and I'm under 125! I'm so close! That's like one GM diet away from being reasonably thin again!

Despite the fact that it's christmas and i'm at my mom's cooking pies and potatoes and awful stuff, I have made it down to 122 ish. That's so nice. And I'm changing up my calorie intake and exercise regimen so often that it will probably just make me lose more weight. I'm drinking tons of water and really my calorie intake is pretty normal (by like standard american normal), and I'm just not overexercising like I want to. I'm trapped with shitty lungs due to allergies, so I can't do really any cardio. But I'll be back in school soon enough. I'm going to buy a scale again once I'm back home. And I've got my reps to do because of you lovelies!

So hooray! Stay strong, think thin, and Happy Holidays. Enjoy your family time, skip the eggnog and we'll all get through to 2012 thinner and happier. Join me in the 200 challenge when you read this. Squats, situps, and side-lying crossover lifts (fonda's). 200 of each.

can i cry now?

2011-12-12T02:29:00.000-08:00

i hate my thighs so much. it's actually embarrassing to walk around in leggings without short or a long top on over them. but i had to change out of a dress into another dress and then take both back home, but i didn't want to put the other one on, so i just kept my unitard and leggings on. and it was the most painful 5 minutes of my life. people SAW me. ew. Why would I let that happen... i just feel so fat today. my gut is huge and saggy and my thighs big chunky monstrous things and I don't deserve to eat ever, but I have to otherwise my body will quit and I'll get hurt and I'll lose the course and my time here. I hate that balance. I just have to ace this week and I'm already skipping practice time to write this (among other things) and drink green tea. Ugh. Maybe I'll feel better later when I've had more than 2 hours sleep before an intensive morning.

paper writing vs the chubs

2011-12-11T08:11:00.001-08:00

I'm doing academic crap and it's awful. I keep drinking tea and getting more caffeinated and then getting hungry and the eating something and then hating myself. Fuck. Oh well. I'm interspersing the writing with situps and squats and jacks so I think we'll balance out okay. I'm supposed to have a do nothing, eat everything day anyway. The last two pics are me from yesterday, so i'm really not doing too badly. I'll just have to take it out of my hide all week until i go home for xmas, when I can really get my starve on, oddly enough. I've had about 500cal today, plus tea. I'll probably end up around 1200, maybe less if the boy doesn't come up.

He made a wonderful and perfect apology for his going to psycho at me. So things are looking up in that respect... minus the part where I have to go home to my other boyfriend and rapidly readjust and convince my body that this is what it wants instead of what it's used to... relationships are dumb.

But oh well. Enjoy the thinspo. Laugh at my fat. If you want to contribute thinspo, toss it in my comments and i'll throw it in the folder for future posting. Stay strong, think thin. And on this lazy sunday, do 50 squats, 50 pushups, and 100 ab reps of your choice. Try to make half of the pushups the tricep kind.

when it costs too much

2011-12-08T14:05:00.000-08:00

Thanks to a comment, the last three are my prog photos. Still tubby, but much better. We're going down to less than 1000 cal over the weekend, training or no. Shouldn't be too hard. I'm too stressed to really be hungry and gnawing need for chocolate loses its excuse probably tonight. But hopefully when the bleeding bloat leaves I'll be even skinnier.

Got in a huge stupid fight with the boy. So I really haven't been hungry. It's totally not my fault either, but I feel really bad for blowing him off today, despite my righteous indignation. I just wasn't ready to let him say his piece yet. But now I'm lonely and angry at myself because I probably won't get to see him tomorrow no matter what and then he's stupid busy through Monday. Oh well. I have a paper to write. Ugh. Do not want. BUT, if I'm typing, I'm not eating, so life is good on that front.

Stay strong my skinnies. Think thin and do 45 squats, 45 bicycle crunches, 45 back situps with 25 jumping jack in between.

eat tears

2011-12-07T10:47:00.000-08:00

Today sucks. But eating disorder wise, today is actually quite good. I had to wear a leotard, tights, and shorts for a lesson and one the rudest guys at school asked me if i'd lost weight and said I looked really good. Which prompted my tiny perfect housemate to say she wanted to try out my diet because I looked so amazing. I did look a little better. I hadn't eaten much today and my ribs were pokey and my hipbones made more of my shape than my actual hips. my legs looked okay too. More reinforcement to keep starving.

As for the suck of today... I was too sore in the morning to go in to school and so i slept in, curled up with the boy. But then when we woke up, it turned into a huge fight. I meant to say something funny and sweet and he took it to be some kind of dismissal that if he couldn't just tend to my every need then he should just go. And I said "like I have the self worth to order anyone around like that" and he got super pissy and started ranting about how my view of myself was shitty but also fake and attention seeking and no wonder I'm always miserable because clearly I just want to be that way. No wonder I feel like I don't have any friends, etc. Fuck that. So I ended up sobbing and flinching away from him until he left right as I was trying to defend myself. He just walked out. So I've fucked it up with someone that I love. Oh well. At least I'm not hungry. Sigh. I'm just kinda sad now.

Oh well. Stay strong and think thin! Today's homework is 80 bicycle crunches and 80 squats with 50 jumping jacks in between. Thanks for the feedback skinnies! You make this worth it.

end of GM diet update

2011-12-06T05:11:00.000-08:00

So I look about 7lbs lighter than I was at the beginning, maybe a little less, but there is definitely a difference. My bones hurt on the floor more and my chest ribs stick out more prominently. I think the best part of the result though, is how unsafe food feels. I know I have to eat a certain amount, but eating what was normal before the diet just feels wrong. I couldn't even eat carbs at lunch. I voluntarily had a salad with some shrimp and a half piece of corn. This is really quite thrilling and I hope it sticks. Dinner tonight is with the boy and we're "celebrating" the end of my cleanse with salmon and veggies. I forget just how absurdly healthy I eat on a daily basis. I just have to keep eating less.

I went for a hell of a run today and did around 300 situps and a bunch of pushups and other conditioning stuff. And I have a full day of training still ahead. Whew. I really like how little appetite I have. It's novel. I don't want to ruin it. Even though I'm kinda period bloaty, I wonder if I keep up the restriction if I'll lose even more once I'm done bleeding. Guess I'll just keep hoping and working at it.

Stay strong and think thin lovelies. Do 50 jumping jacks and 80 situps today if you read this far.

people and how they talk

2011-12-05T05:34:00.000-08:00

It's funny how people always talk about eating disorders as though no one around them actually has one. My friend jokingly said "Stop being so anorexic." So I gave her a kind of sad smile and said "if only I could". She responded with "I know, right? I just like food too much ever really do that." As though I meant that I wasn't sick. As though I don't suffer and hate myself and work myself overly hard and agonize over calorie. Like I could just stop. I know she didn't mean anything bad. I don't want to get caught. I don't want to her worry about me but at the same time, it would be a sign that I'm getting closer, getting thinner. She did say that I looked like I'd lost weight. So at least I get that small reprieve.

Stay strong and think thin my lovelies! Drink a glass of water and do 50 situps when you read this today.

progress... maybe

2011-12-04T05:50:00.000-08:00

Phew. Fake meat, 1C rice, and 6 tomato day was super hard. I'm so glad that's over. My body feels like a train hit it. I haven't had a full day off this week, despite the crazy diet. Ah well. Such is life. Today lets me have 1C rice and the veggies I can eat. Easy day. Tomorrow, I can add fruit juice to that mix.

I can't tell if it's progress from this diet or if I was just losing that much before, but the size 27 true religion jeans fit loosely at the waist now, the ancient tatters nearly fit as low on my hips as I'd like them to, and my painter shorts fit again, with a baggy low fit. So I am happy about this. I feel yesterday might have actually slowed my progress a little bit though. This worries me. Oh well, we'll know on tuesday morning whether or not it matters. If there isn't much change after that, it's back to mad restriction. Like ABC diet madness, despite the part where I burn 4k Cal per average day. I keep feeling like I'm getting sick and should take a day off, but then again my bones don't show so I haven't earned it.

The boy almost noticed a difference. I am changing. We were on skype and he told me I looked extra beautiful and asked if I had changed anything. I told him I had straightened my hair a little bit, but stayed silent about the part where my collarbones looked extra sharp and my shoulders more fragile. He says he thinks I look thin anyway and I wish he wouldn't lie. Oh well. He says I'm good at circus too, so I might as well enjoy the flattery.

nutritionally confused and emotionally fragile

2011-12-02T15:54:00.000-08:00

so here I am posting thinspo having consumed my last milk unit and banana of the day. no more for me.

I hate how my brain just starts running in circles. All about love and circus and what did I really come back here for and what did I really leave home for the second time around. Am I a bad person for leaving Boy A behind knowing that I'll probably have to come back, while he was totally happy to give me my freedom with boy B... but even though I came back for school, more of that decision was really about coming back to Boy B and it was a rough summer for the relationship with Boy A and I just don't know if anything's left there... but boy B is engaged to Girl A and that won't ever change and even though he says he loves me, I know it will always be less than her... ugh. This nonsense keeps me from eating too much, let me tell you.

BEFORE YOU COMMENT: Understand that I am in a polyamorous relationship. People who date people who also date other people. We believe that it is possible and maybe even natural to love more than one person at a time, like deeply love them. So if you want to tell me my beliefs are wrong, go for it. But don't go off on the "he's engaged, well then he's a cheating bastard..." etc. rant. I just wanted to lay my crazy out in words.

speaking of my crazy, dammitall.... I want to be so skinny that people talk about me and worry about how skinny I'm getting. If nothing happens after this 7 day cleanse nonsense, or if I lose hella weight, and no one says anything or notices or worries, I might be a little sad. Because then it's not enough. I'm clearly not enough in control if I can't lose weight to the point where some I have sex with notices. I know that's really shallow, but I just want to know that I matter enough for people to worry. And I want to be incredibly thin so that I'm no longer repellant to myself. Ugh. Disordered living is complicated. And selfish. And I hate how that sounds but I wanted to write it down anyway because this is my Pro-Ana blog dammit. If I can't write it here, where it can inspire or at least inform other people who feel like me, then I might as well just have a diary.

banana day

2011-12-02T05:54:00.000-08:00

Boy is at his own house and I am free to post thinspo and whinge about how fat I am. Today on the GM diet is banana's and milk day. I have have up to 6-8 bananas, 3 large glasses of milk, and thin soup. Drinking real milk feels incredibly wrong. I still use cheese sometimes (I know, how will I ever get thin?), but straight milk has been so far out of my life that this just feels odd. But I want to follow the diet as strictly as I can to see if I lose the promised 5-10kg. I remember getting to one of my lowest weights on this diet. On the last day, the numbers just kept dropping every half hour. I went from from 119 to 113, i think bottoming out at 111.5 then bouncing back really fast. But I was as dedicated then... or as fat. But I regularly around 4000 kcal per day now too so that changes a lot. Once I'm done with this week, I'm going back to serious restriction as much as I can without getting caught.

Speaking of which, I almost got caught out by a healthy friend today. That was scary. She even knew about Pro-ana websites. I have to be more careful, more secret. Except for here. Because you all are lovely and hungry and cold just like me. And there's nearly 200 of you now! <3 Stay strong and think thin my lovelies.

making up for lost time

2011-11-29T07:10:00.000-08:00

I have missed this blog. The boything takes up most of my free time, hovering near my computer, so I hardly get to think about posting, much less really updating what's going on with me and Ana.

But Ana is back with a vengeance. In theory, this 7 day diet that I'm on can lose me up to 13lbs. I like this. I would be back in the 120s if I'm not there already. Today is fruit day. Nothing but fruit, but as much I want of it. The diet is really unclear as to whether the occompanying soup is allowed on Day 1 but I was going to flip out if I didn't have some amount of salt. It horrifies me how calm my brain went once I had soup. No more of that today. That's for damn sure.

Tomorrow is vegetable day. I will try valiantly to update, maybe keep the boy at bay. but you know how those things go. But yeah, vegetable day. I get a potato for breakfast. Then all the veg I want all day. It's weird being unrestricted. I don't know what to feel bad about.

So far, I'm actually looking pretty thin. My arms are nice and pointy and my chest ribs and collarbones are looking nice. My legs are still lard factories though, so I hope some decent weight loss will find its way there.

Stay strong and think thin!

back on the wagon

2011-11-29T05:27:00.000-08:00

sorry for being gone so long. Recovery sneaks up on you. Just like relapse. So i'm back in starvation land. Doing the GM diet. It's all fruit day and and I'm already flipping out. The taste of fruit makes me gag and it's only been 6 hours. Just had a bowl of soup, which I'm technically allowed, but probably not on the first day. I'm only justifying cheating with a 62cal bowl of soup because I'm on a very physical course. More fruit to follow and I'll burn the soup off fast anyway. I want to stick to this as best I can tho. But I've already fucked up...

More ranting and photo dump later. I never forgot you, my lovely skinnies.

my name to you is just another word

2011-04-05T06:27:00.000-07:00

Ugh. I think I've been gaining. I just upped my calories for a little while because it felt like I had plateaued, but now it's just rocketing up again. Thus, I am going running, then training, then conditioning and avoiding everything but dinner today.

I want to hit something. Really hard. I want to break all my knuckles again. I want to put the pain on the outside. There is this wonderful boy that I've been sleeping with for like a month now, and he's really sweet, polyamorous (kinda), and engaged. Every time he talks about his lovers, I know I'm not on the list. And it's awful. That is the most painful thing. I really like this guy. I could love this guy. I could love him like I love my boy back home. But... he sees this as something that totally ends when he goes back to london. I will never be kin to him. I will never be a lover to him. And that breaks my fucking heart.

i hate feeling like this. I resent being jealous because I should be better than that. i resent feeling anything because I want to spite him now. I want to starve away my feeling and show him more and more bones until we depart company. I don't want to give him the satisfaction of my tears when this ends.

Goddammit. Stay strong and think thin lovelies. Also, boys are dumb. Throw rocks at them.

run til all the pain is outside

2011-03-27T05:34:00.001-07:00

Guh. I have to go running, but I feel like I could sleep forever. I've got two weeks holiday and I intend to starve and train like crazy before I let myself go anywhere. Sure I'm supposed to rest, but I could be getting better instead. Something about running just makes me want to die. Once I start, I'm fine. It's just getting past that which sucks.

I feel like I've hit a plateau. Things are still looser are every day though, but I feel like the fat is moving back in, just in new places. Today I had an apple, a 50 cal yogurt, and a cup of tea for breakfast. I'm going to do the long running route and then stretch forever and maybe do some apparatus work as well.

You can't be fat in the circus. People tell me I'm thin and I'm good and I can't ever believe them. Alas.

I think this adventure over here might get longer. Maybe if I stay, I can get thinner too. By the end of this, I could be beautiful.

I'm starting to dread the summer though. No training space, the main boy around who thinks I'm doing better about food... oh well. I'm different now. Maybe he can just accept that.

One of my trainers said "You've been doing such great work lately. Whatever is going on in your life, keep it up." Oh good. So keep starving yourself and worrying about every calorie and overtraining, and have loads of sex with that one boy. Sounds great.

Sigh. Stay strong and think thin my lovelies. (OMG THERE ARE SO MANY NEW FOLLOWERS! <3)

long time, green tea

2011-03-16T06:22:00.000-07:00

Ignore the pic of me. I dumped it in the thinspo folder by accident and am too lazy to delete the code.

I actually feel thin today. My arms are toned but thin and my chest ribs really stood out today. of course it's not enough, but i feel like things are finally changing again. less and less of my legs touch. there's a nice boy who says i'm beautiful.... that never hurts. i get to not believe him, which is so thinspiring.

Been keeping under 1000 every day and traing 6-7 hours minimum all week. On my period too, so this week I'm burning 30% more calories.

More later. Been crazy busy.

Oh yeah. Someone asked if I was a gymnast. Not quite. More like I ran away and joined the circus.

skinny jeans

2011-03-06T10:13:00.000-08:00

So I had to go to this rock show this weekend. It was rockabilly themed and my friend insisted that I wear this pair of skinny jeans that she fits into so well. I cannot wear skinny jeans. I really can't, but she insisted I try them on. I had on two layers that i couldn't take off, and they still fit, these being UK 10 . The waist was so loose that I kept having to pull them up, but they still fit my thighs. Stupid trouble areas. I could almost feel accomplished, that people told me I looked hot and skinny out in public in skinnies, but I still can't forgive that part where my thighs make me two sizes larger than actually fits the rest of me. Alas, I couldn't get the jeans in the picture, but the bones on the top half are starting to get clearer.

In other news, intensive week wasn't as bad as I hoped and I stayed under 1500 calories with the exception of Wednesday, but there was so much adrenaline then that I must have twitched and sweated them all out.

I was pretty good this weekend, until today, when a boy that I slept over with insisted on getting breakfast and brought back croissants. I thought I was going to cry. Croissants and clotted cream, no less. Luckily, there was fruit too and some of the croissants were mini so I choked down 2 of the mini ones very slowly and nibbled at fruit. I flat out refused the cream stuff on calorie grounds, and he didn't react too badly. Phew. Nearly blew my cover.

Sigh. This week I can restrict harder again, keeping under 1000. I am getting smaller faster now that I'm on heavy restriction, but it takes a toll too. I am wrecked all the time. 10 hour days of physical training and conditioning 5 days per week is so hard. Last week I ditched a tumbling class because I thought my bones might break doing roundoffs. I know they wouldn't, but I was so tired and so weak. Not even hungry really, but just like I was made of rubber.

Ugh. At least I get to lay around today and not really eat that much. I did a little training but hardly anything really. Stay strong and think thin my lovelies. One day maybe it will be enough.

panic

2011-03-01T09:03:00.000-08:00

This is actually too intense to restrict. like at all. and now that i've been on harsh restriction for two weeks again, i can't really stop. i'm staring at a 280 calorie packet of sushi and can't deal. I'm not allowed to eat yet. And if I eat that, i can't have dinner, but I have to eat that, and dinner. The training this week is uber intense and i need all the protein, all the energy and I can get and i really just want to drink tea and fizzy water and not eat anything at all.

I tried to go to a gymnastics class last night, and it felt like bones were going to break after a few tumbling passes. of course that got better with a pieces of celery, but i can't help but think i should eat like a normal person this week, and avoid grave injury. next week is easier and i can half my intake as payback.

i hate the idea that i might get up into the 1500-1700 calorie range this week. it's disgusting. it's terrifying. i hate this.

catching up.

2011-02-24T05:29:00.001-08:00

I've been averaging between 700 and 1000 cals a day. That seems like a whole lot, especially compared to last week. But last week I wasn't pulling 10 hour training days. I am in the studio doing something physical for a solid 9-5 every weekday. i go to bed hungry and wake up lightheaded. i'm doing my best.

some days i see the differences and some days i don't. i just need to keep trying, ever damn day. it feels so wonderful to be back in control, to know that i'm shorting myself 2000 calories every day just because I can. (Supposedly, my body burns about 3300 cal every day because of all the athletic stuff i do all day). I just have to drink more water. And run more. I want the differences faster, but i know that in the long run, i'm whittling myself down to the nothing i've always wanted. i just have to keep it up.

post weekend data penance

2011-02-20T14:32:00.001-08:00

the weekend was joke. total failure. i didn't eat that many calories, but it was bad. the booze and the hangover food probably totaled way over that i managed to burn dance and walking and running.

but at least today, at least right now, i feel thinner. like i look thinner. the week of severe restriction was definitely good and i've got too much inertia to really stop now.

managed to get some nice snuggle time out of a new friend too, which is nice. i was worried i might bruise to his touch at this point. i really hate being alone. it was nice to not be alone for a minute.

hah. i'm never alone. there's ana. but she's isolating. it's her nature. it's nice to escape once in a while.

stay strong and think thin, my starving darlings.

dance the chubs away

2011-02-18T12:03:00.001-08:00

I am the fattest thing that has ever happened. I did hardly anything today, except a tiny bit of contortion work.

Total Calories: 746

I did that for a reason though. My body hasn't been used to massive restriction, and I'm going drinking and dancing later. I intend to dance off today's calories and probably replace them all with booze cals, but I might end up purging the alcohol and that will be A-okay with me at this point. If I play my cards right, I'll just dance off everything today and end up in good, if hungover, shape to really rein it back in tomorrow and sunday.

i don't know what to do now that school starts back up on monday. i train like 10 hours a days, but i'm so pleased to be back on restriction. guess i'll just have to work a little harder and keep the restriction and see well i do.

i hate how easy the difference shows through. my ribs are sharper. my hipesbones stick out more, my stomach sinks deeper when i sit down. my face is thin again. all in 5 fucking days. if i keep this up for a couple weeks, i could have my gap back and then some. cheers to that, hey?

stay strong and thin loves.

total failure, intake

2011-02-17T15:56:00.003-08:00

Total cals today: 644

50cals of that was this orzo salad that i got at the store before this return to massive restriction started. i took two bites and then threw it away before temptation could win.

i went running again. and then did a good 2 hours of other workout stuff.

tomorrow i'm going to dance my ass off all night, and hopefully make up for all the slacking i've been doing, though the booze calories might kill all my hard work. i'll have to careful.

i had to weigh myself once when i got on this program over here and the number is horrible. 60kg. i look at the picture i put up yesterday and think, really? i have loads of muscle, but still, 60kgs? i must be blind to how huge i really am. ew. that was like september though, and i've lost a ton of weight since i've been here. hopefully i'm somewhere in the mid 50s by now. guess i'll just have to work harder.

stay strong and think thin, my lovelies.

more starvation stats

2011-02-16T14:07:00.001-08:00

that's big ol' me. by popular demand. ick.

intake: 442 cal

lots of salad and protein; small portions of things today. i'll probably have to eat slightly more later because i feel like i'm getting sick.

went running again. felt wobbly all day afterwards. hurt too much from yesterday to really train hard, but managed the 1.5 hour stretching session again, so at least i've got that to say for myself.

EDIT: stop the presses, i had to eat something else. Now we're up to a whopping 539 calories total because orzo salad has tons of calories, but i just had to eat something warm. sigh. oh well, still burned more calories today than I put in. that will still be the case if i ate an entire meal. lol. like that'll happen.

FINAL TOTAL: tallied at like 2am
651cal for yesterday. my muscles hurt sooo much that i allowed myself a yogurt thing. it so upset by how my mind went stable and my body stopped shaking after that. dammitall.

here's some skinny people.

intake update

2011-02-15T08:28:00.000-08:00

1/3 C cooked white rice: 63 cals
1/2 Tomato: 11 cals
1 spoon dressing: 10 cal
1C green tea:0 cal
Tsp Honey: 22 Cals

total:106

breakfast cals: 94 cals

7:50ish pm:
2 sticks celery: 17 cals
1 tablespoon hummus: 27 cals
tea w/ .5 tsp of honey: 11

net total so far: 255cals

not doing so bad, yet.
.... 9:18pm.....
Dinner is made of fail!:
248 cals of salmon, rice, sprouts, and dressing. the highest cals were in the salmon though, and that's all protein.

still, current total not so bad: 503

11:42 DISASTER
I almost fainted in the shower. And I fought it. And drank water.
So I made the worst thing ever. 250 more calories. I can't even say it. You just get the numbers.

total: 753.

at least it's still WAY less than I burned today.

update: productivity feels good

2011-02-15T06:39:00.003-08:00

I ran for 23:44. It was raining rather hard and my inner ear was starting to ache from cold headphones. But I ran up some tough hills and through mud and random country alleys. And then I got inside, and stretched, first calves, then quads, then hamstrings, then repeat.

After that, I did 50 v-sits, 50 inner thigh leg lifts (each side), 40 crunches, 40 can openers, 30 situps, 30 squats, 20 bicycle crunches, and 20 standing split beats. Those should make up for the seven minutes of not running in the rain.

Feel free to snag that set. I found it quite nice.
Now, I have earned a shower, then I must go to town and buy a new book and more soap.

just a note: the timestamps on these aren't quite right, since I'm currently in Europe instead of the West Coast. I am not doing crazy stuff at 6:30am and then writing about it. Instead, I'm freaking out at a healthy 10 til 3pm.

making up for it

2011-02-15T04:31:00.000-08:00

I have to start blogging more. This is getting really bad. I'm eating like a normal person even on days that I don't work out.
Intake so far:
1 Cup English Breakfast Tea
1 tsp honey
1 apple

i'm going for a 30 minute run soon. It's a pretty intense land jog, but I need it. I hate needing this stuff. I just want to be pretty. Hopefully post-run, i'll be able to find some space to stretch and do some conditioning. After that, I'll clean my room and shower.

i had been doing so well. I barely ate friday and then ending up purging everything anyway since I got too drunk to keep down water. saturday i felt awful and ate maybe 400 cals just trying to have enough energy to walk home without fainting. then sunday, i hardly ate anything again and was pretty active and i didn't notice a thing. i just felt light and good. since i was active, i ate about 1000 cals because i burned WAY more than 2000. And then yesterday happened. It was like I couldn't stop putting food in my face. That and I couldn't really wake up. I napped like all day, waking up only to eat something. ugh. ew.

Today must be different. I am going to lose five pounds or at least look skinnier by next week. And then same for the next week. I will leave here and be fucking thin. I want to leave no footprints when I travel this summer. I want to be that gorgeous thin thing at festivals. I want to deserve new clothes that will fit no matter what style because I am thin, so it doesn't matter.

Stay strong and think thin my skinnies! There are like 50 more of you than when I last checked. I would love for this blog to get spread around the Tumblr communities. I love new people. Thanks for all the support.

no accounting for taste

2011-02-13T04:57:00.000-08:00

on second glance, one good days the girl who got the boy i was chasing has skinnier thighs than me, but... the rest of her is much bigger and admitted stretch mark pocked. I don't have any of those. My waist is smaller, I shave my fucking legs and armpits, and I never smell awful like she does. There's no accounting for taste. There are so many better people out there. I'll just focus on starving and loving the boy back home. Way easier.

a horrible day

2011-02-11T09:31:00.001-08:00

Today sucks. I'm really lonely. I'm pleasantly hungry, but I want to do nothing but sleep. My body hurts. I have a week off from training. And there's this party... the birthday party of a guy who I really have a crush on. Just found out that he's involved with this other chick that represents pretty much everything he says he doesn't like about certain girls. I'm offended, disgusted. And I'm part of the entertainment so I can't just skip it.

The worst part, that bit that makes me want to disappear, is that she's a little thinner than me. A little bendier than me. Fuck, what I am talking about. In his eyes, I'm sure she's prettier than me too. I want to be thin and beautiful and wanted. I know the boy back home does all this for me (we have an open relationship) but he isn't here and I hate this loneliness. It's crushing. There's no one there to drown out Ana when she's screaming at me to starve to death. There's no one to touch. I guess I just don't deserve it.

tubby mcfatterson

2011-02-04T02:45:00.000-08:00

i'm losing, but not fast enough. i'm currently making art about much i don't like myself and want to change it and how i can't let go of ana and if i do it hurts so much... no ones that part. of course my lovelies do. i hope you are all well. check the comments on my last post, there's a blog linked in there worth watching (i think it's in the last post, not sure).

i just ate something awful, and i had a few minutes, so i thought i'd post anyway. the last pic is a shame photo, so i'll behave for the rest of the day. i have to stuff myself into a unitard this weekend, what the fuck was i thinking? no one wants to see my gapless legs jiggling around... ugh.

i've been freaking out a lot. the panic attacks about food are starting again. crying over my sugar free yogurt happens quite a lot. the trainers say i can have stuff, but the books they give me tell me to obsess, and ana tells me to starve. some days i just want them all to leave me alone.

honest mirrors in the worst places

2010-12-30T21:27:00.000-08:00

i went shopping for more joggies today and wound up trying stuff on in abercrombie. i never feel so fat as i do in their changing rooms. i just look days wide, even though everything i'm trying on is a size small. nothing exacerbates my self hatred more than a perfectly lit room with a mirror that shows me how pretty i'm not. i'm sure all the girls working were looking at me like one of those people clueless to how huge and hideous they really are and dread the very idea of how the clothes we buy actually fit. ick. thinspo time.

making up for lost time

2010-12-28T15:13:00.000-08:00

i feel really really sad. and fat. fat and sad. that email really fucked up my head. my size 8 abercrombie jeans fall off if i wiggle right and all i can think about is how unsexy it is that my thighs still touch. to quote my favorite tumblr thinspo blog of the moment: "fuck having a gap between my thighs. i want them to be smaller than my knees."

post xmas hate-fest

2010-12-28T14:49:00.000-08:00

i am disgusting. i have lost so many sizes and still no gap. i got through xmas without feeling too awful and no real binging happened either. but i felt gross enough to not want to have sex. i often feel too gross for sex. and my self-proclaimed nympho boything now tells me, VIA EMAIL that he typed while we were sitting in the same fucking room have a conversation, that i'm not fucking him enough and that his needs are actually kind of disgusting in the amount of sex he thinks he needs. i find this especially funny considering how quick a decent round with him tends to be. but that's why it's perfect and now i'm in this position to feel like i'm fucking up something good again. because i'm fat. i am disgusting. i don't deserve anything good. because i'm a vile cow and as long i feel gross because i am gross i'll keep ruining everything that's good in my life. headdesk.

long story short, i'm off to the gym, where maybe i can feel a little less gross. and after the gym, it's time to train some more.

i'm really homesick for my new home right now. i miss my room. i miss the loneliness of not having anyone because no one's there to have, instead of this local sadness that comes from having what i missed so much and not really wanting it anyway.

everyone is fat here

2010-12-21T16:28:00.003-08:00

sorry for the long absence. I hav ethis internet deal overseas that kills my data limit so i can't upload all of the lovely thinspo you skinnies so need and deserve. but now i'm back home fore the holidays and everyone is fat and I am unattended. So massive photodump for all!

I feel gross and can't go to the gym because I'm too weird from jet-lag still. but soon! soon! like tomorrow morning. I've apparently lost a few sizes, according those that have seen me recently, so i guess that's a win. I only get two weeks off, so that's another win.

I'm still a disgusting hulk of fat though. So this post is as much for me as it is for you.

Stay strong and think thin. I'm still here my skinny loves. I haven't forgotten you!

sick, but thinner....

2010-10-26T13:21:00.000-07:00

I'm sick and grumpy. There is this awful fat cow in my kitchen right now and even her voice jiggles. I have no idea how she fucking got into this place but it's really quite sad to watch her try to do anything. The other annoying part of her being in my house is that NO ONE THAT LIVES HERE INVITED HER. The sort of girlfriend (toy) of a housemate brought her here, totally aware that I hate this bitch and don't want to share her company. Ugh. Awful twat. At least she serves as great reverse thinspo, especially on days that manage leotards. She has twat rolls and it's gross and wrong and makes me happy that I'm living on bare minimum of calories.

This place is full of beautiful and thin people, which makes me quite happy. the internet it sparse and expensive, but I love my skinnies too much to abandon you and let you think i'd run away from Ana.

In fact I've done the opposite. My bras don't fit as well because I'm shrinking. My chest bones are a little more visible, my collarbone pops a bit more. My hip bones stick out pleasantly and even my fat flabby thighs are slowing drifting apart.

Stay strong, think thin.

i live in England now

2010-10-12T04:31:00.001-07:00

Every day is insane and I rarely have internet. This stuff is harder to post than a normal blog, when out in public, that is. I am training 9-10 hours per day here and it's lovely. I can feel my bones blooming through my skin again. A recent personal tragedy sent me running into Ana's arms as well, and eating is really a thing I do to keep up appearances and when I absolutely feel like I will faint. Currently, even the brightest day feels gray and my heart is fucking broken because one of my beautiful lovers has passed on from this life.

All of my pain and my challenges are wonderful thinspo in some sick way though. If something hurts (something always hurts), I make it a mark of pride. Every time I want to cry, I hear Ana telling me I don't deserve those tears yet. I must drink more water, I must train harder, I must not keep fighting, and I must let her win. More water, more cigarettes, less food. I can't binge here, like physically incapable of it, since a binge to me was a normal day's calories for a sane person... the training is so intense that i can eat a whole sandwich I won't gain weight. Not like I'm trying to gain anything though. Only losing. Losing is really all I can do. I lose weight. I lose friends. I lose faith...

My boyfriend back home is the best thing ever though. He sends me packages with photos and notes and wonderful things.

worse and worse

2010-08-12T15:38:00.001-07:00

Today I am huge and bloated and incredibly sad about it. I need to live on nothing but water for the next week. This is intolerable. I hate it. I have to fit into a tiny tiny leotard tomorrow and I'm so huge I could cry. I don't know how the weight came back. I don't. But now my hipbones are all covered again and I feel awful.

I'm so stressed and so tired all the time. I could sleep all day and be tired at night too. My body just keeps quitting. I leave the country into a land of thinner people in four or five weeks and before that, I'm off to the desert full of equally beautiful people and my plans of being scantily clad keep dwindling. Feh. I don't know what to do. It sucks.

Alas. I have epic bus journeys to make today and dwindling time in which to do it. Feh and grumble.

Boy is okay. I love him to death. I wish I could please him more. At the moment, along with my tiredness all the time, my sex drive is nothing. I want it to improve, but bed just equals sleep now. I wish wish wish that I could change that. I keep trying to please everyone else and now it's like I'm drowning.

flensing the fat

2010-07-22T17:09:00.003-07:00

just some more thinspo, cuz i've been gone so long.