stupid bodily weaknesses!

i worked out too hard yesterday. i stayed up too late looking for lost keys. Now today's plans have changed and I'm eating breakfast. 2 tiny blood oranges, an avocado, and teensy bit of nonfat cottage cheese with salsa. Breakfast is the only meal one should eat... right?

fuckwit McFatass

i have to run really hard tomorrow.

real dinner:
1 cup spring greens
1 avocado
.25C goat cheese

it was so good, but now i feel really guilty.

tomorrow, there will be no juice before the gym. Instead, depending on how sore my abs are, I'll go on a long run that does not pass the gym or the offending juice. If my abs aren't sore enough, then I'll practice extra hard too. I am so huge. boo. i'm getting up early so I can run for a while and still have time to show and do makeup before i go back out into the world. wish me luck!

the dinner report

2C sweet peas
1/4C fat free yogurt
3 pieces freeze dried rambutan


calories burned in just exercise: 1335
calories consumed: 484

i can even stand to have another salad later!

thinner than thou

morning weight: 122.8
plus 0.2lbs from yesterday.

i ran from my house to the gym. worked out really hard at the gym, to include running another 6 miles. then I stretched and ran home.

only brief failures have greeted me today. I had a tangerine juice pre-gym, and 1/6 of one slice of a four slice quesadilla. not so bad. i think i'm going to have eat afterall today, but i can shoot for negative calories in 90% of my food today too. all in all, not the worst so far today. i even got up on time... well closer to on time. i got out of bed and stayed out bed as opposed to getting of bed, turning off my alarm, and going back to bed. i win. sort of.

sigh.

for a while, i felt like the thinnest girl at the gym. no one else there could see their ribs through their t-shirt and no one's hipbones stuck out like mine on the incline. then a girl with a 100% better body showed up. but for a while... i was the thinspo icon for all the other girls there.

so fat, but not as fat as i thought

post water consumption this morning, the scale read 122.6.

today, i had a glass of soy milk for breakfast and then went on an hour long run.

lunch: diet pills and a salad with cheese crumbles and red sauce

dinner: seven pieces of sushi

dinner II: peas on top of salad with cheese crumbles and nonfat yogurt and red sauce and salsa.

dessert: 1 clif nectar

drinks: two diet cokes
2 L water
1 screwdriver
1 hard hot chocolate

still under 1000 i think. at least in food. the drink shoot me way over the top. lots of negative cals today too though. not so bad. not so bad.

not bad. but not good enough by long shot. i have too much to do too soon. run to school. buy necessities. go to gym for abs. run home. shower. go out with friends.

i don't think i'm going to eat anything tomorrow. i won't need to.
if i feel really weak after the gym, i can make some more green peas. or drink a latte. i have about three weeks to lose as much weight as i can. at least when school starts, i'll be too tired, too busy, or too stressed to eat. i can take out the stress of studying and sleep deprivation on the eliptical machine instead.

skinny models thinspo:




such good angie pictures!!

back on track

tomorrow starts me back on the regimented eating schedule. i can eat 5/8 of whatever i burn in excercise on any particular day. i am armed with lots of salad and lemon juice and fat free things. this will work. i will be thinner. i will be thinner. i have a new thinspo... i can't say much more. this is motivation beyond logical bounds though. school starts too soon. i just hope i get the time every day to go the gym. otherwise, it's early mornings for me and a jog around the neighborhood. must get up early tomorrow. i am back on track.

today's food:
fried rice (1.5C)
1C grapes
1oz brie
1oz cheddar
.75 huge burrito
1C salad
1/4C fat free cottage cheese
2 veggie pocket thingies with .5C nonfat yogurt

not bad. not good either. i walked home cold. that counts for something.

pretend you're a supermodel

i will be a supermodel tomorrow. water, lemonade, the gym. i have nothing in my way and every reason to be as emaciated as humanly possible. i stayed under 1400 calories today, including booze. i did very little, but i walked a few miles late tonight. tomorrow is the gym and more gym and some running. it might snow. weird.

thinspiration, because I can and will do this dammitall.



























i'm huge. i'm too afraid of the scale. i have to lose weight. so much weight. i can do it. i've done it. i just need to try harder. way way harder. start drinking the agar again, start taking more pills, start taking two tums when i'm hungry, stop fearing the fainting spells, stop fearing the consequences. i want ana to take me back. i'm just not ready to pay the cost. i'll lose the love of my life if i let ana take me all the way back. sad.