dark running

i had a very long adventure last night. it boosted me out of binge mode for the most part, even if it did end in breakfast. I burned a bunch of calories no matter what. i woke up really late. considering that i went to bed at 7am, not too bad. whatever. i am going on a really long run. scratch that. i can hear the rain pounding down outside. when ever it seems like stopping, i'll go running, goddammit.

so far:
psyllium husk in oat milk (so i can clean out all stupid food in me)
1 slice toast (so i didn't faint)
1 cup of lemon tea.

crash and burn

tonight tanked. totally. waste of time and starvation. i am full of food. and made of fat.

what i've been doing isn't working. so here is my last try.

tomorrow:
wake up
lemon tea
run to gym
work out
run home
lemon tea
occupy time with anything but food
lemon tea
1 avocado for dinner
lemon tea

same for wednesday. i could weigh like 130 right now. gross. that is obesity. i don't deserve to eat. but i keep doing it anyway. oh well, hopefully sleep will make the morning a little easier to take.

BMI

Your Weight is Ideal

Your BMI is 20.8 - a healthy BMI falls between 18.5 and 25 Congratulations, you are the perfect weight for your height. Even though you may not be entirely happy with your weight, you are healthy. So gain or lose a few pounds if you want, but don't go too crazy! Don't agree? Blame the government standards we based this test on!

Do You Need to Lose Weight?

that's bullshit. that is so fucking sick. tomorrow and the rest of tonight and the next day are for lemonade. ew ew ew ew ew. my bmi has hit the 20's. that is so wrong. i want to cry. but my mascara will fuck up. i am such a fatass. i have to run so hard tomorrow it's not even cool. i hate feeling like this. i hate failing. it's like ana just quit and let me recover. that's bullshit. she doesn't quit. she's laughing.

rundown of today's failures

got up ran to the gym instead of running, drinking doubleshot and then walking to the gym. ran for half hour and did lots of abs and legs. stretched. ran all the way home. bowl of sprouts turned into bowl of sprouts and one avodcado and 15 tortilla chips with three tablespoons of salsa. walked off that whole meal downtown and then walked home from a far off bus stop. hopefully more walking to be done tonight. i want to get drunk. but then i'll eat. dammit.

EDIT:

so i totally fucked up. my diet pills had me way too jittery, so i cooked. and i ate. four bruschetta to be exact. and some freeze dried mango. i am fatass. i have to do something really really active before the night is out.

a long walk on safe paths for this time of night, hell, maybe even a run. i can go parkinglot dancing. that's always fun.
tomorrow is for trying harder. i'll do as much of tomorrow as I can stand on the lemonade. It'll be good for me.

so vile that it makes me cry

125.4
i suck. i have 3 days to lose six pounds. this fucking blows. yes, i'm on the rag, so i'm retaining water. yes, i'm eating too much so i'm gaining muscle when i excercise all damn day.

but, i am a total failure.

today:
1 apple, nut butter
1C soy milk w/ psyllium husk
1C sprouts, .25 C fat free cottage cheese
2 cubic inches of fudge
1C soy milk w/ psyllium husk
clif bar
1C salad
.125C goat cheese
.5 avocado
.25C cottage cheese (fat free)
1C soy milk w/ psyllium husk
1 one by three by two inch slice of poundcake
1 reeses cookie thingy (way too many calories)

i've packed on three pounds in two days. what the fuck. it's because i am full of food. i need to be away from my house. as soon as i can get rid of this fucking junk food (i don't want to give it to my housemates, it's all going to my boyfriend) that my mom sent me, i'll be okay. the sweets cravings need to stop.

so tomorrow's plan:
wake up, don't eat
go on half hour run instead
post run, drink my doubleshot light
go to gym
go on the longer run
come home
shower
eat bowl of sprouts, freeze dried fruit
go downtown
walk for at least a few hours
come home
see if friends are back in town yet
post thinspiration
drink 1 cup of green tea latte
hot lemonade for the rest of the night

next day: repeat

thinspiration to remind that i'll never get there the way i'm going now.

waste of a day

i was up too late last night. i woke up when my alarm went off and it was too shitty outside to go running.

breakfast (all i've had today):
1 apple
1 tbsp nut butter
8oz soy milk with psyllium husk powder

i have to work so hard tomorrow/today

i fucked it up today. completely. i know i burned off all the calories, but it doesn't make a difference. if it's not precipitating outside tomorrow, i'm running until i can't run anymore and then walking home. i think i'll pick a direction and run in a straight line. see where it takes my fatass. note: all this before breakfast.