sleepless

wish i had more to write about. freezing gusts of wind are blowing in through my window. i've been waiting for a phone call but it's not going to happen. i am sad. i am hurt. i am fat. sigh.

well that's a fat thing to say

i moved a lot of furniture and certainly burned a ton of calories, but i ate all day too without purging. so none of it really counts. i'm just working as hard as can to get done with finals so i can have time to get back to the gym. god i wan to go back to the gym and just run forever. sigh. those days will come soon. i just have to keep working, keep trying. sihg sigh sigh.

enough about me... love for my skinnies!!!

more later.

i did it

i broke up with him. and now i want him back so badly. i threw away something that could have been saved. it's over. i fail. he won't take my calls. i just want him to come see me. we haven't seen each other for so long. i want to start over. a new place, no restrictions, all my classes done. i want him back. i want that love back. dammit dammit dammit. this hurts. i want to sleep forever, but i can't. i can't sleep at all. i can hardly breathe sometimes. i don't get it. this was my decision. it wasn't supposed to hurt. i was supposed to feel free, but now it's like i did for all the wrong reasons. at least it's been really hard to eat. i'm definitely under 1000 calories today. i want to quit feeling. i want to be able to sit down and put my feelings away and just work and pack until i'm done. then let the grief fucking fall down like rain. i want him to not hurt. i want him to be happy. and i want him back.

everything looks like a weapon

razors don't remind that i need to shave. i think "up, not across." scissors ache for my throat. my hunting knife begs me to give my pain to it. pencils to stab and poison. pills to swallow. bridges are places i shouldn't go today. i wanted to die. i can't eat, that's nice i guess. but it's just because i hardly hold my head up. i spent this morning in tears. i fell back asleep crying an hour or so ago. and i'm crying again now.

i don't understand today. at all. fuck. i hate this. so much.