things i can never really ask

god i miss the boy. he's got a relative in the hospital right and it seems pretty dire. he was supposed to be home 5 days again and i get that he needs to be there, but i don't know how long he's going stay gone. I worry, and can't actually ever say this to him, that he's gonna get stuck there waiting for said relative to die, which could be days or years. And then stuck there waiting to heal as a family. I understand. I do. I just wish I was being filled in on this stuff. just to be told, "I won't be back for at least a month or two" or something, instead of throwing random dates that make me feel lied to every time they pass.

this departure from my place was rather oddly, conveniently timed too. well before news of sick relative. someone slipped and called him "boyfriend" and three days later he's gone. he tells me loves me but to keep it a secret. he doesn't tell any of his friends or family where he is, much less that he's with me. i don't get it. this doesn't feel fair. i catch myself wondering if he's really coming back, or his stuff is just now more shit to deal with getting of when I move. i'm sure i'm just crazy, but it's still worrisome. Being entirely unable to say of this shit, because a)he won't deal with phone calls and b)why would do so something so insensitive while his family is teetering on the edge of catastrophic grief?

sigh. i'm lonely. i'm dealing with new school stuff every day without the person i've gotten so used to telling everything to before i make a real decision. that's a whole other kettle of fish as well.

at least this whole ordeal is helping me forget to eat. my weight is is the mid to lower 120s again, and considering how much muscle i've put on, that's fucking awesome. still not what i want, but awesome.

fuck it. i'm going to bed. think thin. stay strong.

take it outta my hide

this move is killing me faster than i thought. i need to purge so much from my life. i have way too much shit to move, even with a storage unit to take it. it's all shit i haven't worn or won't accept that it won't fit again one day. i can't sleep. sleep is something that happens to other people.

i hurt all the time. that's gonna get better, but at a price. i just found out i should be eating around 60grams of protein every day. that's rather hard to do. a fucktonne of food and even more calories. scares the hell outta me. i missed the gym today because i couldn't sleep until around the time i should have been leaving my house. i'm gonna punish that failing tomorrow at the gym. running. that's gonna be the punishment for failing, also, i have to start running again. my cardio is shit right now.

everyone is crazy or lonely right now. it's odd. we're all feeling the same intertia before the same big leap into a new part of life and it's fucking terrifying, but we're all alone instead of together. everyone keeps trying to push away, i think. i'm afraid that will happen with the boything. every time i find someone i feel safe with, one of us leaves and everything falls apart. oh well. we'll see how this all works out.

oh! awesome news on my fatassness. i am significantly less and losing. i'm back around 125lbs, size 4. i see more bones and more muscle and less fat. i'll always see too much fat, of course, but i see less now. progress.