372

372 calories for breakfast
if every meal i eat today is smaller than that with no snacking, i'll be fine.

.5 grapefruit
.75 cup fat free cottage cheese
1 full fat poptart

i have the chance to do stupid amounts of workout today if i choose to. i can hit the gym, and then at 5pm-ish start a two hour round of dance classes. come home for bit, take a break (or a nap) and go to rehearsal. hmm.

the bane of my existence

i am hopelessly addicted to poptarts. being addicted to food in general is bad enough, but those aren't even food! goddammit.
i have HUGE amounts of plans for tomorrow though. with any luck, i'll be too busy to eat and be burning calories like nobody's business. in order to accomodate said plans, i'll be heading off to bed immediately after this post.

10:30
wake up
breakfast and meds diet pills (there are so many pills that i have to schedule their consumption into my morning lest i be late)
bike to gym

11:00
gym opens
run for 1hr 5min
triceps and thighs and abs

2pm-ish
meet with advisor(?)
buy text books
bike home

Later
go copy flyers
buy leather gloves
find more fuel
practice two routines unlit

9pm
rehearsal

12am
return to campus to practice superfluous props
bike home
sleep

wake up again and repeat

now thinspo for the morning:

i'm hungry dammit

i just went and danced my heart out. i don't deserve to eat, but i'm legitimately hungry. everything i have to eat is really healthy, but it's all full of stupid calories. i'm halfway read to concede defeat for the day. tomorrow will certainly be busy. i have tons to do and the gym is open. i've resigned myself to dinner. whatever. i've looked better all day. this meal won't make that worse.

ugh

130 calorie salad
vegan muffin
3 spiced mango slices
3 slices dried orange

it's too hot outside to practice. or get anything done. i've felt like crying all day now. i'm not a prodigy, not a genius. i've got a little bit of money, a modicum of talent. that's it. i was smart in highschool, second in my class, but something happened after i quit shooting up. i feel dumb and inspired. i'm a waste, a heap of flesh undeserving of any love or care. i want to curl up in a ball and sob, but that won't do me any good. someone would hear. i want pain. i want a reason to break down, something to take all this agony from the inside and let it bleed out of me. break me, bruise me, twist me, please something. i just want to be able to scream out loud and be done with this.

float
one day i will float
my emptiness will lift me skyward
to drift, cold to the bones
fragile as a snowflake
only to land as the last before the avalanche
one day i will float
all the way up to your standards
to bask in the glory of an approving gaze
one day i will float
down to one flew away before
in my concave perfection
to be cradled in loving arms
never again to be let go alone into the wind

i want this more than anything. this isn't fun. my heart hurts.

no effing way

i just went through some BMI/BFP calculating fits.
i think it's wrong.

Your Recommended Blocks

Your weight is: 120 pounds

Your sex is: Female

Your Body Fat percentage is: 8

Your Lean Body Mass is: 110 pounds

Your 'Ideal' weight is: 135 pounds

Your activity factor is: 0.91

Your recommend blocks per day are: 13 (97 grams of protein)

breakfast

1 cup brown rice, long grain 216
1 cup soy milk 81
1 tablespoon blueberry jam 55
total breakfast calories: 352


not bad, i guess. that could keep me going all day if i let it.


so can they.

my goals

here are my current goals:
my thighs should cease to touch, even when seated
i should look like i do laying down standing up........laying down in the morning at my thinnest point
i should see ribs through my back
i should be concave.

after that, just keep losing.
like these girls have: