ugh

130 calorie salad
vegan muffin
3 spiced mango slices
3 slices dried orange

it's too hot outside to practice. or get anything done. i've felt like crying all day now. i'm not a prodigy, not a genius. i've got a little bit of money, a modicum of talent. that's it. i was smart in highschool, second in my class, but something happened after i quit shooting up. i feel dumb and inspired. i'm a waste, a heap of flesh undeserving of any love or care. i want to curl up in a ball and sob, but that won't do me any good. someone would hear. i want pain. i want a reason to break down, something to take all this agony from the inside and let it bleed out of me. break me, bruise me, twist me, please something. i just want to be able to scream out loud and be done with this.

float
one day i will float
my emptiness will lift me skyward
to drift, cold to the bones
fragile as a snowflake
only to land as the last before the avalanche
one day i will float
all the way up to your standards
to bask in the glory of an approving gaze
one day i will float
down to one flew away before
in my concave perfection
to be cradled in loving arms
never again to be let go alone into the wind

i want this more than anything. this isn't fun. my heart hurts.