it hurts

i'm so fucking sad i can't tell anyone why. i can't tell my boyfriend, my best, my soulmate. that sucks. because it's him. i'm scared to lose the person i fell in love to a bunch of dusty hippies in a blasted desert. i don't understand why this is such big fucking deal to people. they all go camp in the desert for a week and it's this huge, epic, transcendental experience. the man represents all the bullshit that these people hide behind. they burn it, sure catharsis is great, but they don't do anything with it. they don't go out a change the world having left the bad parts behind. they all come back spacey and dumber than the last time, having left some part of them that was worth much more behind. i don't want to lose him to this. i don't want not hear from him for a week.

i have the first week of school while he's out there. i know it's going to be and it's just going to be another reminder that's he's so far away now. that even when he comes back, he won't be here. this hurts. i hate this. when he comes back, even if he still loves me, he's not going to care one way or another how MY week was. because he was at fucking hippie brainwashing camp. i hate knowing that. i don't know if i can deal with that. i guess i can indulge in my favorite sins while he's away most likely indulging his. he's not so well known for being faithful to his significant others in festival situations. i can stop being so fucking torn between being good and healthy and just wanting to starve. i don't have to eat at all for seven whole days if i want. no more tears for failure. just tears for the silence. no phone calls. he's the only one i talk to. goddammit. this should not be hard. it's just a week. maybe i'm making a bigger deal out of this than i should. i hope i am. i've just had this sinking feeling ever since he first started talking about it, that i'm going to lose him to burning man. he'll fuck some girl or maybe even fall in love with her on acid and come back and lead me on for another few months while he cheats on me until he's sure that he wants her and not me. that's the catastrophe laid out in my head. i wish i could tell him that. but he'd be mad. so mad. he doubts me like that, but i could never get away with expressing that lack of trust in him. never. fucking dammit.

i screwed up with food again today.
i had a scone with my coffee after my allowed grapefruit.
then i had this ice cream sandwich thingy, only the ice cream, none of the cookie part. it was lavender flavored. i'm such a sucker for lavender flavored things. goddamit. i'll always be fat.