how do i keep failing like this?

i need to be happy, positive, beautiful, perfect. I have an image to project. Sometimes it works. Sometimes I can feel it, that it's doing what it should to those around me. If you're happy, thin, perfect, people don't ask questions. I'm trying for that. I'm trying to be the ever positive, organized leader for a great group of people. If I could just forget myself completely, this would be perfect.

i wasted today. i was so sore when i woke up at 11:30am that i went back to bed until my phone woke me up at three. I tried to run errands and failed. I tried to get more ink for my printer, but i bought the wrong stuff. hopefully someone else can use it. sigh. i printed out scripts in red ink instead. oh well. i didn't get to the gym. i rode my bike and from campus. i barely practiced. i sat around and smoked hookah with some friends. i munched on the most fat laced food ever, trail mix. all i wanted to do was pick out the dates, but i kept eating more than those bits too. my head hurts. my back hurts. my shins hurt a lot; they've been getting beat up by practice. i can feel pockets of fluid where the bruises haven't formed yet.

for moments at a time today, i saw a thinner me. reflected in windows where my legs look right, or looking down at my thighs on my bicycle and wishing they were always as separate. sigh. i don't know what's wrong with me today. i'm going to take a nap until my headache goes away. if i'm asleep, at least i'm not eating.... right?