so tired, so fat, so broke

so i splurged at the mall today. but, comfortingly enough, I fit into another pair of 27 waist jeans and didn't huge and fat in the first pair of skinny jeans that i'd ever worn. my friends are such thinspo but i can't just starve like they do. i guess the way to do it is to just not start at all. tomorrow can be for that experiment. I have to do some work too, as I have something due at midnight, but that shouldn't be too bad.

total intake so far:
1 apple
.75 C veggie curry soup (v. thin)
1 biscuit (med)
1 granola bar, cinnamon
.75 Jamba light
1 romaine heart and veggie cheese (one slice) wrap (low cal tortilla)
1 clif bar

i've gotten plenty of excercise just bumbling around the mall. i'm just feel so tired that i'm brain dead at the moment. i think i'm going to take another nap and then go for a walk. i can't make my brain work at all.

my friends are so thin and perfect. i didn't used to be the fat one. there was never a fat one, but now i'm it for sure. this lame. there is something about the mall that sucks out one's self-esteem. by the last outfit I tried, i felt like whale. I looked good leaving my house, my skin even looked okay... but by the time we left the mall, i felt like i must be muffin topping over my skirt and bulging through the knit on my tights. my face felt like a pizza. sad sad. nap time.

124.8?!?! how does that happen?

on a lighter note, i found Andi Muise's myspace account today. there are so many models that have open profiles. it's awesome. they're all fighting the same fight too, they want to be thinner than they are. they just happen to be at the point that to me seems unattainable.

i got the new issue of Harper's Bazaar today too. Katie Holmes issue. I'm excited. Massive weight-loss story= thinspo and more desire to have my own. I'm going shopping today too. Trying on size fours will make me sad and i'll continue to not eat today. My old buddy is leaning toward her ana today so at least I've got support there. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

thinspiration for all three or so of you that read this.

happy, despite the lardy bits

i couldn't face the scale today, i don't think i'll try tomorrow. i'll starve my best until sunday and see where we're at then. today was beautiful. i am so happy. i really want gucci frames for my glasses now. i think if i break 120 or less by next wednesday, i can have them.

i need thinspo.

i hate being right all the time

so i'm fatter today. 122.8 lbs. i don't understand how that works. whatever. all i can do is try harder today. work harder, eat less, drink more water. i just wish i knew how i did that in the past. i hate being a huge fatass. i hate it. i want to weigh in the one teens. i want my ribs to stick out more. i want to pretty. i want to wear my size 26's again and have to hold them up with my belt on the last buckle. sigh.

anger makes me feel sick

i guess that's okay. i won't eat anyway.

i have a feeling that i'll weigh more than i want to in the morning. it was nice to see 120.2 today though. i hope i'll see it again in the morning, but that might be asking too much.

blogging so that i don't eat

hypoglycemia man. it's a bitch.

120.2 this morning. sweet!

i feel light headed and it's hard to stand for too long without feeling nauseated. i was going to go grocery shopping, but now i need to lay down until this goes away. i feel like i'm catching a cold. just all of a sudden, hit with a wave of illness. lame. well, hopefully this will go away soon and i can get my shopping done and get on with my day.

i'll post some thinspo until my head stops spinning.

scratch that. got interrupted. got the shopping done. now i have negative calorie foods. i'm munching on carrots and cherry tomatoes as i write this. procrastinating doing work. woo!

i feel huge, likely to be huge tomorrow

i know i haven't eaten much today, but i still feel like a pig.