banana day

Boy is at his own house and I am free to post thinspo and whinge about how fat I am. Today on the GM diet is banana's and milk day. I have have up to 6-8 bananas, 3 large glasses of milk, and thin soup. Drinking real milk feels incredibly wrong. I still use cheese sometimes (I know, how will I ever get thin?), but straight milk has been so far out of my life that this just feels odd. But I want to follow the diet as strictly as I can to see if I lose the promised 5-10kg. I remember getting to one of my lowest weights on this diet. On the last day, the numbers just kept dropping every half hour. I went from from 119 to 113, i think bottoming out at 111.5 then bouncing back really fast. But I was as dedicated then... or as fat. But I regularly around 4000 kcal per day now too so that changes a lot. Once I'm done with this week, I'm going back to serious restriction as much as I can without getting caught.

Speaking of which, I almost got caught out by a healthy friend today. That was scary. She even knew about Pro-ana websites. I have to be more careful, more secret. Except for here. Because you all are lovely and hungry and cold just like me. And there's nearly 200 of you now! <3 Stay strong and think thin my lovelies.

making up for lost time

I have missed this blog. The boything takes up most of my free time, hovering near my computer, so I hardly get to think about posting, much less really updating what's going on with me and Ana.

But Ana is back with a vengeance. In theory, this 7 day diet that I'm on can lose me up to 13lbs. I like this. I would be back in the 120s if I'm not there already. Today is fruit day. Nothing but fruit, but as much I want of it. The diet is really unclear as to whether the occompanying soup is allowed on Day 1 but I was going to flip out if I didn't have some amount of salt. It horrifies me how calm my brain went once I had soup. No more of that today. That's for damn sure.

Tomorrow is vegetable day. I will try valiantly to update, maybe keep the boy at bay. but you know how those things go. But yeah, vegetable day. I get a potato for breakfast. Then all the veg I want all day. It's weird being unrestricted. I don't know what to feel bad about.

So far, I'm actually looking pretty thin. My arms are nice and pointy and my chest ribs and collarbones are looking nice. My legs are still lard factories though, so I hope some decent weight loss will find its way there.

Stay strong and think thin!

back on the wagon

sorry for being gone so long. Recovery sneaks up on you. Just like relapse. So i'm back in starvation land. Doing the GM diet. It's all fruit day and and I'm already flipping out. The taste of fruit makes me gag and it's only been 6 hours. Just had a bowl of soup, which I'm technically allowed, but probably not on the first day. I'm only justifying cheating with a 62cal bowl of soup because I'm on a very physical course. More fruit to follow and I'll burn the soup off fast anyway. I want to stick to this as best I can tho. But I've already fucked up...

More ranting and photo dump later. I never forgot you, my lovely skinnies.

my name to you is just another word

Ugh. I think I've been gaining. I just upped my calories for a little while because it felt like I had plateaued, but now it's just rocketing up again. Thus, I am going running, then training, then conditioning and avoiding everything but dinner today.

I want to hit something. Really hard. I want to break all my knuckles again. I want to put the pain on the outside. There is this wonderful boy that I've been sleeping with for like a month now, and he's really sweet, polyamorous (kinda), and engaged. Every time he talks about his lovers, I know I'm not on the list. And it's awful. That is the most painful thing. I really like this guy. I could love this guy. I could love him like I love my boy back home. But... he sees this as something that totally ends when he goes back to london. I will never be kin to him. I will never be a lover to him. And that breaks my fucking heart.

i hate feeling like this. I resent being jealous because I should be better than that. i resent feeling anything because I want to spite him now. I want to starve away my feeling and show him more and more bones until we depart company. I don't want to give him the satisfaction of my tears when this ends.

Goddammit. Stay strong and think thin lovelies. Also, boys are dumb. Throw rocks at them.