nutritionally confused and emotionally fragile

so here I am posting thinspo having consumed my last milk unit and banana of the day. no more for me.

I hate how my brain just starts running in circles. All about love and circus and what did I really come back here for and what did I really leave home for the second time around. Am I a bad person for leaving Boy A behind knowing that I'll probably have to come back, while he was totally happy to give me my freedom with boy B... but even though I came back for school, more of that decision was really about coming back to Boy B and it was a rough summer for the relationship with Boy A and I just don't know if anything's left there... but boy B is engaged to Girl A and that won't ever change and even though he says he loves me, I know it will always be less than her... ugh. This nonsense keeps me from eating too much, let me tell you.

BEFORE YOU COMMENT: Understand that I am in a polyamorous relationship. People who date people who also date other people. We believe that it is possible and maybe even natural to love more than one person at a time, like deeply love them. So if you want to tell me my beliefs are wrong, go for it. But don't go off on the "he's engaged, well then he's a cheating bastard..." etc. rant. I just wanted to lay my crazy out in words.

speaking of my crazy, dammitall.... I want to be so skinny that people talk about me and worry about how skinny I'm getting. If nothing happens after this 7 day cleanse nonsense, or if I lose hella weight, and no one says anything or notices or worries, I might be a little sad. Because then it's not enough. I'm clearly not enough in control if I can't lose weight to the point where some I have sex with notices. I know that's really shallow, but I just want to know that I matter enough for people to worry. And I want to be incredibly thin so that I'm no longer repellant to myself. Ugh. Disordered living is complicated. And selfish. And I hate how that sounds but I wanted to write it down anyway because this is my Pro-Ana blog dammit. If I can't write it here, where it can inspire or at least inform other people who feel like me, then I might as well just have a diary.

banana day

Boy is at his own house and I am free to post thinspo and whinge about how fat I am. Today on the GM diet is banana's and milk day. I have have up to 6-8 bananas, 3 large glasses of milk, and thin soup. Drinking real milk feels incredibly wrong. I still use cheese sometimes (I know, how will I ever get thin?), but straight milk has been so far out of my life that this just feels odd. But I want to follow the diet as strictly as I can to see if I lose the promised 5-10kg. I remember getting to one of my lowest weights on this diet. On the last day, the numbers just kept dropping every half hour. I went from from 119 to 113, i think bottoming out at 111.5 then bouncing back really fast. But I was as dedicated then... or as fat. But I regularly around 4000 kcal per day now too so that changes a lot. Once I'm done with this week, I'm going back to serious restriction as much as I can without getting caught.

Speaking of which, I almost got caught out by a healthy friend today. That was scary. She even knew about Pro-ana websites. I have to be more careful, more secret. Except for here. Because you all are lovely and hungry and cold just like me. And there's nearly 200 of you now! <3 Stay strong and think thin my lovelies.

making up for lost time

I have missed this blog. The boything takes up most of my free time, hovering near my computer, so I hardly get to think about posting, much less really updating what's going on with me and Ana.

But Ana is back with a vengeance. In theory, this 7 day diet that I'm on can lose me up to 13lbs. I like this. I would be back in the 120s if I'm not there already. Today is fruit day. Nothing but fruit, but as much I want of it. The diet is really unclear as to whether the occompanying soup is allowed on Day 1 but I was going to flip out if I didn't have some amount of salt. It horrifies me how calm my brain went once I had soup. No more of that today. That's for damn sure.

Tomorrow is vegetable day. I will try valiantly to update, maybe keep the boy at bay. but you know how those things go. But yeah, vegetable day. I get a potato for breakfast. Then all the veg I want all day. It's weird being unrestricted. I don't know what to feel bad about.

So far, I'm actually looking pretty thin. My arms are nice and pointy and my chest ribs and collarbones are looking nice. My legs are still lard factories though, so I hope some decent weight loss will find its way there.

Stay strong and think thin!

back on the wagon

sorry for being gone so long. Recovery sneaks up on you. Just like relapse. So i'm back in starvation land. Doing the GM diet. It's all fruit day and and I'm already flipping out. The taste of fruit makes me gag and it's only been 6 hours. Just had a bowl of soup, which I'm technically allowed, but probably not on the first day. I'm only justifying cheating with a 62cal bowl of soup because I'm on a very physical course. More fruit to follow and I'll burn the soup off fast anyway. I want to stick to this as best I can tho. But I've already fucked up...

More ranting and photo dump later. I never forgot you, my lovely skinnies.