when it costs too much

Thanks to a comment, the last three are my prog photos. Still tubby, but much better. We're going down to less than 1000 cal over the weekend, training or no. Shouldn't be too hard. I'm too stressed to really be hungry and gnawing need for chocolate loses its excuse probably tonight. But hopefully when the bleeding bloat leaves I'll be even skinnier.

Got in a huge stupid fight with the boy. So I really haven't been hungry. It's totally not my fault either, but I feel really bad for blowing him off today, despite my righteous indignation. I just wasn't ready to let him say his piece yet. But now I'm lonely and angry at myself because I probably won't get to see him tomorrow no matter what and then he's stupid busy through Monday. Oh well. I have a paper to write. Ugh. Do not want. BUT, if I'm typing, I'm not eating, so life is good on that front.

Stay strong my skinnies. Think thin and do 45 squats, 45 bicycle crunches, 45 back situps with 25 jumping jack in between.

eat tears

Today sucks. But eating disorder wise, today is actually quite good. I had to wear a leotard, tights, and shorts for a lesson and one the rudest guys at school asked me if i'd lost weight and said I looked really good. Which prompted my tiny perfect housemate to say she wanted to try out my diet because I looked so amazing. I did look a little better. I hadn't eaten much today and my ribs were pokey and my hipbones made more of my shape than my actual hips. my legs looked okay too. More reinforcement to keep starving.

As for the suck of today... I was too sore in the morning to go in to school and so i slept in, curled up with the boy. But then when we woke up, it turned into a huge fight. I meant to say something funny and sweet and he took it to be some kind of dismissal that if he couldn't just tend to my every need then he should just go. And I said "like I have the self worth to order anyone around like that" and he got super pissy and started ranting about how my view of myself was shitty but also fake and attention seeking and no wonder I'm always miserable because clearly I just want to be that way. No wonder I feel like I don't have any friends, etc. Fuck that. So I ended up sobbing and flinching away from him until he left right as I was trying to defend myself. He just walked out. So I've fucked it up with someone that I love. Oh well. At least I'm not hungry. Sigh. I'm just kinda sad now.

Oh well. Stay strong and think thin! Today's homework is 80 bicycle crunches and 80 squats with 50 jumping jacks in between. Thanks for the feedback skinnies! You make this worth it.

end of GM diet update

So I look about 7lbs lighter than I was at the beginning, maybe a little less, but there is definitely a difference. My bones hurt on the floor more and my chest ribs stick out more prominently. I think the best part of the result though, is how unsafe food feels. I know I have to eat a certain amount, but eating what was normal before the diet just feels wrong. I couldn't even eat carbs at lunch. I voluntarily had a salad with some shrimp and a half piece of corn. This is really quite thrilling and I hope it sticks. Dinner tonight is with the boy and we're "celebrating" the end of my cleanse with salmon and veggies. I forget just how absurdly healthy I eat on a daily basis. I just have to keep eating less.

I went for a hell of a run today and did around 300 situps and a bunch of pushups and other conditioning stuff. And I have a full day of training still ahead. Whew. I really like how little appetite I have. It's novel. I don't want to ruin it. Even though I'm kinda period bloaty, I wonder if I keep up the restriction if I'll lose even more once I'm done bleeding. Guess I'll just keep hoping and working at it.

Stay strong and think thin lovelies. Do 50 jumping jacks and 80 situps today if you read this far.

people and how they talk

It's funny how people always talk about eating disorders as though no one around them actually has one. My friend jokingly said "Stop being so anorexic." So I gave her a kind of sad smile and said "if only I could". She responded with "I know, right? I just like food too much ever really do that." As though I meant that I wasn't sick. As though I don't suffer and hate myself and work myself overly hard and agonize over calorie. Like I could just stop. I know she didn't mean anything bad. I don't want to get caught. I don't want to her worry about me but at the same time, it would be a sign that I'm getting closer, getting thinner. She did say that I looked like I'd lost weight. So at least I get that small reprieve.

Stay strong and think thin my lovelies! Drink a glass of water and do 50 situps when you read this today.