mcFatagain

i did better today. less food, more exercise. still too much. i am a huge lump. as long as the day's keep improving like this one though, there might be hope for me yet. school is to stressful that i can't eat a lot of the time now...

tape my mouth shut

breakfast:
half grapefruit, .5 cup of fat free cottage cheese

post class scrounger binge: .5 cup scrambled eggs, .25 cup hashbrowns, cookie

lunch: cucumber and watermelon

later: luna bar

dinner: cucumber and watermelon
.75 cup of noodles w/ some alfredo and some tomato sauce
3 blackberries with pudding stuffs stuck to them

later: 2 commons cookies

home: 1 slice sprouted grain bread
1 slice light havarti cheese
.25 cup raw basil
carrot 1tbsp hummus
5 salted cashews
1 frozen cherry poptart
the shame is too much.

i should die. that is gross. i've been looking back through pictures from a few months ago and i am so fucking lardy compared to then. just months ago. ack. school is making it harder to eat yes, but what i end up eating is either bad for me or straight sugar so i don't faint, plus i don't get to work it off. i bike there and home. i get to the gym three times a week. i guess i can really kick my ass on weekends, but dammit! this so unacceptable.

accountability

Breakfast:
.5 Cup Fat free cottage cheese
.5 grapefruit

121 calories.

soon, i will get on bike and book it to class.

tomorrow will be better

i will eat less.

i won't start out running on empty tomorrow. i need to start out running on time, but not early. i can't get cafeteria food. my friend, anorexic in denial, told me i looked well. that means i look fat. that means i look like i've gained weight. that is disgusting.

so, the goal for tomorrow:
breakfast: .5 cup fat free cottage cheese
.5 grapefruit
lunch: melon salad

snack: a nap

dinner: salad, w/ tofu, eaten on campus

snack: carrot w/ hummus

i have to be so much less than i am now before i see my b/f next. he can't see me this huge again. he was so excited about how tiny i was when i first lost a bunch of weight. dammit. i want my ankle to stop swelling. i can do more workout then.

she's thinner

my favorite thinspo has returned to school showing even more bones. i am happy. i am tired. i am lonely.

an imperfect body reflects an imperfect person

i am certainly an accurate mirror if that pro-ana cliche is true. i know that clawing my way back out of this fatty husk only the beggining of my problems. today and for the next week or so, i won't be able to overdo it at the gym like i'm used to doing. i have a sprained ankle that keeps getting worse. walking it off is only making it swell and bruise more. sigh. classes start tomorrow also. the horizons of my perfected goal are broadening again as the summer speeds to a close. body, grades, and performance all come into play now. the more i think about that ankle, i wonder if i'll be able to "do it" at all at the gym. i hope so dammit. this is lame. i think i'm going to apply tiger balm and stretch it and then finish my last leisure reading until next summer.


i know most of the photos in the collage are fake. don't bother reminding me. it's still thinspiring. it still reminds that i can shoot for more than perfection, just like a computer.

try again

today bombed. i don't know how many calories were involved, but too many were eaten and not enough were burned. that's what it comes down to. tomorrow must be better. school starts on monday. grrf. the boy leaves tomorrow night. no phone calls for a week. eep! that makes me so sad.

thinspo to pull me through...

5026

i consumed about 1500 calories. i burned about 5026. not too shabby. i will sleep in late and go to the gym if it's open, otherwise, it's practice all day.

sober up you

i'm eating now in an effort to be sober enough to be coherent with my love when he calls. i'm trashed right now and trying to choke down a carrot, toast w/ skim cheese and basil, and a diet coke. ack. this is harder than it looks. dammit. i could be rolling with my two best friends right now, but no, i can't do that. the love of my life forbade that.

i fear that no matter what i say, i will still soundt trashed drunk. i hurt my ankle beyond reason doing whipits and running. gerr. i can't really elaborate on that one. dammital i walked home in agony. that must burn extra calories.... right?

i miss my love. i want him here. i don't want school to start so soon. i want to be back in his arms instead... i guess i'll just have to call as soon as i feel sober enough. i wish that would be sooner. it's hard to type right now. i'm afraid of how difficult it will be to speak. dammitall. efff.

people read me!

i just noticed that people actually comment on this pro ED blog. yay! positive comments

today went well, i've burned 2799 calories in excercise. yes! i've eaten too much but a lot of it was slow metabolizing fruit sugars and/or negative calories or gluten free vegan junkfood (not as bad as regular bad for you food). I'm at 881 cal consumed today. the rest of my calories for today will be from booze. no more food for the fat girl. i saw more ribs in my back today than i have for a while and my hipbones looked better from balance ball situp vantage point. i'm burning WAY more than i'm consuming... it's really just a self esteem issue when i'm under 1500 consumed. i like this idea of measuring my progress is visible bones than in pounds because when i replaced fat wtih muscle, the numbers get bigger. once classes start, the weight will fall off me like water on teflon. biking to class, calisthenic gym class, troupe practice, walking around all day carrying heavy books and a brilliantly intense class lineup will combine to give me little no time to eat. that 123 will drop back to 115 in no time. ew. i hope the gym scale was wrong. that's gross. ew. ew. that's too much to have gained. i hope some of that is muscle. oh god.

check in, check out, upchuck

i ate way too much again today. more calories than anything came from almonds and my one margarita. ew. but, i burned 4900+ calories. that's a plus. i'm going to bed really to soon to do it all again tomorrow... but less with the eating.

morning thinspo:

victory

i burned more than 5000 calories today. tonight i can eat for free. i am going to the gym tomorrow, of course, but tonight, i earned my fro-yo and pop tart. i won't feel like that in the morning, i feel like i looked good tonight and i worked out hard today and tonight. i will definitely do another hour tomorrow of "running on empty" first thing in the morning. i'll go for an hour walk and then come home, eat breakfast, take vitamins, and go to the gym. and, lucky for me, now that the big show is out the way, i don't have to eat to stay conscious, because i have nothing that i need to be "on" for. i'll still have to make flagrant displays of "look, i'm eating like a healthy person" but to much less of a degree now.

scratch that. i still feel gross. i'm still WAY under what my significant other demands that i report eat per day. he's the reason that i tried remission for a while. he's the reason that i have to be so damn sneaky now.

perfection to jolt me awake...

i could cry

one my cast members just hexed my show. oh my god.

i woke up late again. fuckety fuck. but, i was good. the first thing i did was go for an hour walk after taking my meds and diet pills, before eating any food. then i went and got a fat free sugar free latte and broke down for a slice of banana bread to eat with my peach. 333 calories this morning. i have advetising work to do and the gym is open closer to regular hours today. in fact, i have to get going... like running going.

thinspiration to wake up to

thank god for tomorrow

i will be way to nervous to eat. awesome.

total intake: *near tears* 1759
total burned: 3676

ew ew ew ew ew. i deserve to starve. i need get control back. i need to learn how to drink hot water and/or smoke a cigarette when i'm hungry instead eating. gack. i want to purge, to cry, to throw a fucking fit. instead, i think i'm going to look at the kate moss issue of vanity fair and let self loathing seethe in my bones.

how do i keep failing like this?

i need to be happy, positive, beautiful, perfect. I have an image to project. Sometimes it works. Sometimes I can feel it, that it's doing what it should to those around me. If you're happy, thin, perfect, people don't ask questions. I'm trying for that. I'm trying to be the ever positive, organized leader for a great group of people. If I could just forget myself completely, this would be perfect.

i wasted today. i was so sore when i woke up at 11:30am that i went back to bed until my phone woke me up at three. I tried to run errands and failed. I tried to get more ink for my printer, but i bought the wrong stuff. hopefully someone else can use it. sigh. i printed out scripts in red ink instead. oh well. i didn't get to the gym. i rode my bike and from campus. i barely practiced. i sat around and smoked hookah with some friends. i munched on the most fat laced food ever, trail mix. all i wanted to do was pick out the dates, but i kept eating more than those bits too. my head hurts. my back hurts. my shins hurt a lot; they've been getting beat up by practice. i can feel pockets of fluid where the bruises haven't formed yet.

for moments at a time today, i saw a thinner me. reflected in windows where my legs look right, or looking down at my thighs on my bicycle and wishing they were always as separate. sigh. i don't know what's wrong with me today. i'm going to take a nap until my headache goes away. if i'm asleep, at least i'm not eating.... right?

i wish i didn't suck at purging

i ate velveeta product. i want to so badly to vomit and dose myself with laxatives, but i'm too tired to take laxatives without unpleasant repercussions, and i can't purge. like, i'm physically unable to do it anymore. to top it off, i had a pop tart for dessert. so i've eaten now, exactly half of the total calories i burned today. that is wrong. gross. ghastly. i'm going to be at the gym for so long tomorrow.

i burned so many calories...

that i almost feel okay about how fucking disgusting many calories i've consumed today.

i've eaten 1295
i've burned 4802

not too shabby and i'll burn more soon when i got out for late night practice.
that means back on my bike, back to school, back to work for at least another hour or so.
but dammit, the more i work out, the more i eat. it sucks. i don't want to eat. i love that feeling of when i'm about to fall over, but this gig coming up is so important that i have to keep myself alive and not fall over. i can't hurt myself. after wednesday, i don'thave to eat another fucking bite. i think i'm to cut down until the first day of classes and then restrict to about 400 cal/day. then over labor day weekend, i'll fast. it will so work. i am excited about this. i feel week right now, even after a 150cal yogurt. that makes me happy with myself. i feel like less of pig.

not bad, but not good. i've had better days. but, at dance class, it was really hot, and i had my shirt rolled up and i can see my abs/organs again. i just want to get rid of that stupid uterus cushion. then i will have a flat, soon to be concave belly instead of that stupid little poochie bit that no amount of situps will seem to take away. god, dance is good for my ED. i'm surrounded by athletic thinsp. i've been tempted too many times to go up and ask them vague pro-ana questions. "Excuse, do you know ana?" or "Do you wear a red bracelet. I could have sworn i saw you wearing one the other. I remember it looked really nice on you." or something. i could never get away with that though.

the longer i type, the more i think i should go to bed... really soon.

skinnies to look at in the morning: