Thursday, November 27, 2008

i fear thanksgiving

The day of anorexic panic attacks in upon me. I will be greeting it diet pills and water bottle in hand. I hate it when people see me eat. It's fucking shameful. I hate wanting to eat. Ugh. At least I don't eat meat anymore. Then, I think, it would be worse. I wanted to go running or biking today, but it starting raining. So now i think i'm going to do a bunch of situps and take a really cold shower. That would help a little bit. What i really want to do most though, is just go back to sleep. I don't need to eat anything when I'm asleep. I don't feel guilty about being a disappointment to myself when I'm asleep. I can't bitch about not getting homework done when I'm asleep. Fuck Fuck Fuck.

I think i'll take a nap. then I'll wear something that will horrible if I eat too much. and i'll put on makeup and bring plenty of lip gloss, because eating and looking pretty do not go together. not when you're my size.

On a lighter note, several readers have asked about my Fire Caps. So here's the lowdown:
"120 Capsules
Supplement Facts
Serving Size2Capsule
Servings Per Container60
Amount Per Serving % Daily Value
Caffeine Anhydrous 250mg *
Cocoa Extract 10%
Theobromine 100mg *
Lipo Breakthrough Burning Matrix 230mg *
Avocado Oil (Extract)(Proprietary)
Thiamine Di(2-Methylpropionate)disulfide (Proprietary)
Synephrine (Bitter Orange Peel Extract) 20mg *
Niacinamide 20mg *
Bioperine™ 5mg *
* Daily Value not established
Other Ingredients
Magnesium Stearate, Calcium Silicate, Silicon Dioxide, Di-Calcium Phosphate, Avocado Extract Oil, FD&C Yellow #5, Titanium Dioxide

Directions: For fat loss: Take 2 capsules 30 minutes before breakfast or morning workout and 2 more capsules in the afternoon.

For Extreme Fat Loss: Take 2 capsules 3 times daily 30 minutes before a meal. Do not exceed 6 capsules per day. Do not take within 6 hours of sleep.

Warnings: Not for use by pregnant or nursing women. Seek the advise of a health care professional if you have any medical condition. Reduce or discontinue use if you experience tremors, nervousness, sleeplessness, headache or heart palpatations. Not for use by persons under age 18."

These things keep me wired for as long I need them to. It's not usually the intense "oh god am i gonna die" wired that a lot of diet pills give me whe I take them too close together. I would suggest that taking 2 at a time and leaving at least 3 hours between doses is a good way to keep your sanity, and not give yourself a heartattack. I almost did that the other day and panicked, thinking I had finally dosed more than my heart could deal with. It was skipping all over the place and I felt tired and my jaw was grinding... and the only way to make it go away, even a little bit, was with my sworn enemy... food. So be careful with your doses. Otherwise, food is the only thing that combats caffeine like that. And that sucks.

The other thing that's been helping me feel like I'm losing weight is Evercleanse. It's this powder that you mix in twice per day with water or food or anything else (just nothing fizzy). It supposedly removes all this extra stuff stuck in your colon that weighs a bunch and doesn't go away with workouts and dieting. I can see hipbones where there were none before, even on food days, so I think it's working. I might consume a lot of that today too. Ugh.

Enjoy the thinspo lovelies.

1 comment:

Cheryl said...

i wanted to give you some love. there is so much comfort in your words and i wanted you to know that when the pain is overwhelming that i am out here feeling it too.
i respect your strength.
have a wonderful day.