Thursday, June 18, 2009

pain, bones, still fat

Not much time to post but thought i should update for a minute.

I can see more bones, but my thighs still touch. I leave for europe in a week and still feel like i need to lose another million pounds. my hipbones peak out almost all the time now. my shoulders and back have returned to their sinewy state of near ideal that it makes up for my thighs and stomach. i've stepped up my training a lot in the past two weeks. I'm in constant pain. Like moving my arms hurts kind of pain. In about an hour, I have to leave for a private lesson. All I want is a nap.

more thinspo later. stay strong. think thin!

Monday, June 08, 2009

trim this.

i'm always so tired these days. i forgot to take my ripped fuel today so i missed out on that energy and hiked metabolism. i looked pretty good in my tights and shorts at training today. i didn't make it to the gym prior so i forced myself to bike the handful of miles there and back. i am ready for sleep. think thin my skinnies.

oh. food for today.

breakfast: 1 lo carb tortilla w/ 1/4 cup fake cheese, tomato, sprouts

moments ago: 1 Cup lettuce. 1/2 tomato. 1/4 Cup tunafish mix (made w/ vegan sour cream instead of mayo)

that's about it. if i go to sleep now, i won't eat anything else, but i promised myself stretching and housecleaning. dammit.

Friday, June 05, 2009

been a while... again... sorry

progress to report:
the destroyed jeans (size 3!) from highschool fit again. not as low on my hips as i wish, but they fit with no muffin top. that pleases me immensely.

my workout schedule got ruined by 3 days of virtually no sleep and one day spent out of town in its entirety. so i've been inflicting some serious payback on myself to make up for it. i've run 6 miles in the past 2 days on the treadmill with only 10 minutes or so of walking. i rediscovered toe-touches hanging from the pullup bar. you hang by your arms and pull your feet up to your hands. five is enough. especially on top of the hundreds of ab reps i do outside of that.

if i keep going like i am, i might even look okay in europe. the whole circus goal is really screwing with what ana would like me to be doing. i need to be strong enough to hoist myself and others, and in europe i need to be strong enough to lug my pack and run away from gypsies. so i've been living on more protein than i really want to ingest and eating mostly lettuce. to keep my blood sugar up (your friends get suspicious when you faint), i've been allowing myself 1 muffin every other day or so. i feel like i've become addicted to muffins.

mia will never be my friend. this was affirmed a few days ago when i had to maintain the i'm-healthy-and-normal facade during a night of drinking. the cheese fries just sat in my stomach marinating in tequila and woke me up in the early a.m. to make a hasty undigested exit. i hate vomiting. i hate it with a passion. it just ruins my day. my throat hurt inside and out and talking sucked and having to play normal and sip at beer and pick at food was even more heinous. it reaffirmed my belief that i would rather starve. ugh.

as far as today's thinspo, i'm digging up old stuff from a thinspo folder i buried away years ago. enjoy some vintage mila jovavich. and to my newest readers, thank you! the more audience i have, the more driven i am to starve.

"Me", if you are reading this, leave your personal email with me again and we'll chat. i've taken far too long in getting back to you and find the risk of you knowing who i actually am to acceptable.