Sunday, March 27, 2011

run til all the pain is outside

Guh. I have to go running, but I feel like I could sleep forever. I've got two weeks holiday and I intend to starve and train like crazy before I let myself go anywhere. Sure I'm supposed to rest, but I could be getting better instead. Something about running just makes me want to die. Once I start, I'm fine. It's just getting past that which sucks.

I feel like I've hit a plateau. Things are still looser are every day though, but I feel like the fat is moving back in, just in new places. Today I had an apple, a 50 cal yogurt, and a cup of tea for breakfast. I'm going to do the long running route and then stretch forever and maybe do some apparatus work as well.

You can't be fat in the circus. People tell me I'm thin and I'm good and I can't ever believe them. Alas.

I think this adventure over here might get longer. Maybe if I stay, I can get thinner too. By the end of this, I could be beautiful.

I'm starting to dread the summer though. No training space, the main boy around who thinks I'm doing better about food... oh well. I'm different now. Maybe he can just accept that.

One of my trainers said "You've been doing such great work lately. Whatever is going on in your life, keep it up." Oh good. So keep starving yourself and worrying about every calorie and overtraining, and have loads of sex with that one boy. Sounds great.

Sigh. Stay strong and think thin my lovelies. (OMG THERE ARE SO MANY NEW FOLLOWERS! <3)

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

long time, green tea

Ignore the pic of me. I dumped it in the thinspo folder by accident and am too lazy to delete the code.

I actually feel thin today. My arms are toned but thin and my chest ribs really stood out today. of course it's not enough, but i feel like things are finally changing again. less and less of my legs touch. there's a nice boy who says i'm beautiful.... that never hurts. i get to not believe him, which is so thinspiring.

Been keeping under 1000 every day and traing 6-7 hours minimum all week. On my period too, so this week I'm burning 30% more calories.

More later. Been crazy busy.

Oh yeah. Someone asked if I was a gymnast. Not quite. More like I ran away and joined the circus.

Sunday, March 06, 2011

skinny jeans

So I had to go to this rock show this weekend. It was rockabilly themed and my friend insisted that I wear this pair of skinny jeans that she fits into so well. I cannot wear skinny jeans. I really can't, but she insisted I try them on. I had on two layers that i couldn't take off, and they still fit, these being UK 10 . The waist was so loose that I kept having to pull them up, but they still fit my thighs. Stupid trouble areas. I could almost feel accomplished, that people told me I looked hot and skinny out in public in skinnies, but I still can't forgive that part where my thighs make me two sizes larger than actually fits the rest of me. Alas, I couldn't get the jeans in the picture, but the bones on the top half are starting to get clearer.

In other news, intensive week wasn't as bad as I hoped and I stayed under 1500 calories with the exception of Wednesday, but there was so much adrenaline then that I must have twitched and sweated them all out.

I was pretty good this weekend, until today, when a boy that I slept over with insisted on getting breakfast and brought back croissants. I thought I was going to cry. Croissants and clotted cream, no less. Luckily, there was fruit too and some of the croissants were mini so I choked down 2 of the mini ones very slowly and nibbled at fruit. I flat out refused the cream stuff on calorie grounds, and he didn't react too badly. Phew. Nearly blew my cover.

Sigh. This week I can restrict harder again, keeping under 1000. I am getting smaller faster now that I'm on heavy restriction, but it takes a toll too. I am wrecked all the time. 10 hour days of physical training and conditioning 5 days per week is so hard. Last week I ditched a tumbling class because I thought my bones might break doing roundoffs. I know they wouldn't, but I was so tired and so weak. Not even hungry really, but just like I was made of rubber.

Ugh. At least I get to lay around today and not really eat that much. I did a little training but hardly anything really. Stay strong and think thin my lovelies. One day maybe it will be enough.