Thursday, February 28, 2013
Hello again. I'm back. Running into the arms of Ana. She's been waiting. She's waited while my ex boyfriend rant off with the girl he was cheating on me with from the day I left. She's waited while my current boyfriend can't figure out why I cry when we talk about how hard getting a visa is.
And she doesn't have to wait anymore.
I remember, I think, the two things that initially sent me this way:
First, I went to see my grandmother when I was in my early teens, must have been. And the first thing said was "You're looking nice!" She sounded surprised. "I thought you might have gotten... big."
And then the first love. The first love asked me in all innocence, "Do your thighs touch when you sit down?" and I said why? "Well R and I were talking the other day, and his girlfriend's thighs don't touch and neither do mine or his, so I just wondered if that was an everyone thing or not, cuz it seems weird." And I started crying.
So here we are ten years later. The boyfriend has come to visit and gone away. I am now on a super low carb diet. I eat fat to burn fat. I'm trying to throw my body into a state of ketosis. At least for a few days. I need to change my size. I really do. I need to get thinner again.
My current training schedule is epic though, so that combined with new diet should help. I'm up to 20+ hours per week. That should hopefully make a dent. Top pic is my flubbery horrible self. No thinspo there.
Tuesday, December 04, 2012
So I started the GM diet again. Day 1 was surprisingly easy. I managed to eat mostly melon. Only had to add a tiny bit of protein so I didn't destroy my body while I had to train. I have got to stick to it this time. I have a very good reason. I just need to be less. The feeling of control was so satisfying. I didn't even want to cheat. Tomorrow will be hard, but I'll be strong.
A rant: So there was this guy and we dated for a while, like years. I went away. He hooked up with this girl but I didn't care because we were open. I stayed gone, fell in love with someone else. He never told me that that one girl had become the girl. But they both told all of my friends that I knew about it. This thing started before I lost my heart to someone else. It shouldn't matter. But they conspired to lie to me and have my friends lie to me. And now every time I see them on the internet it breaks my fucking heart. I shouldn't care, but I do. And it sucks. And all of my friends still adore them and seem to ignore what they did to me.
Oh well. At least I have control. I have ana. She's always there for me, whether I want her or not. And right now, she's one of the only things holding me together.
Stay strong and think thin my pretties. Homework: 200 jacks. 200 situps. Touch your toes.