fatgivings day edition

a comment asked me how i dealt with thanksgiving. all those family and friends watching, so much food, i know the panic well. i survive it the way i handle any other day. if i'm in a situation where i'll be expected to eat, i eat whatever seems the most harmless. salad is a safe bet. the same tips we've all followed for years are rather worthwhile here. take a sip of water after every bite. set down your fork to chew. if you eat meat, take a small lean cut, the protein will do your body good. of course this holiday goes against the very goal of zero food, but the calories don't have to be overwhelming. you don't have to stuff yourself to look like you're eating like a normal person. if you're worried about binging, definitely drink a lot of water before you eat. if you intend to purge, don't eat anything crunchy or red.

my person strategy will be simple. i'll take the diet pills i always take. i'll drink lots water and bring a diet coke with me for dessert. i'm a vegetarian, a fact known to all my friends, so half the thanksgiving menue is already out of my reach. i'll eat salad in proportion to the dressing's guesstimated calorie content. anything outside of salad, i'll take a teeny serving of, just to look like i'm participating. before all this, i'll go for a run and/or do a bunch of sit ups. this way, my sick little mind will at least have a burned calorie total to work against, so i don't tear myself to pieces emotionally later. the more you burn beforehand, the less you have to punish later. and you can always make up for it in athletic punishment later. god knows that's part of my strategy too.

so there's turkey day panic, all in one little package.
a few details from my world: I've fucking snapped. Something in my brain just gave way last night and it's like ana swooped down and gave me a big, wrecking ball shaped hug. all the self criticism is back. i've had some rice and protein shake today, lots of water, and nothing else. i keep noticing that my jaw is clenched and i have to think really hard to make it let go. every thought is painfully clear, just like my vision. i feel like i'm in fast-forward mode, all the time. the only emotions i really process are sadness and anger, otherwise, there is nothing. sweet, cold nothing.
i can't sleep at night no matter how much i do during the day. i feel light, until of course i notice it's lightness i feel and then i'm back to huge cow status again.

the whole no booze thing is letting weight start falling off again. my face is thinner. my legs ever look better. my hipbones are out with a vengeance. i am pleased, still disgusted with myself, but pleased. i'm more toned looking now. i just have to keep it up. ugh. i am kind of tired now, and my muscles are begging me to eat or lay down and i'm definitely not going to eat. so laying seems to be the plan.

thanks for the support my skinnies. stay strong and think thin. one day we'll leave no footprints on the snow.

poverty is excellent for dieting

before anyone jumps on it, i know some of the thinspo i've put up is photoshoppery at its most insidious. that does not make it any less thinspo to me. what i want is impossible and so are some of the images. the digital mutilation of women is what drives some of us to embrace ana and her impossible demands and i will proudly worship at the feet of whatever keeps me starving.

speaking of which, being hilariously broke is a great way to stay thin. i am, by no choice of my own, thriving on single slices of bread and lettuce because that's all i fucking have and i can't buy anything else because i've got shit for money right now. i finally broke into the one tuna can in my cupboard because i had to eat protein after my workout. this is postively ridiculous. quitting drinking has not saved me any money thus far. i'd quit smoking, but i'm positively terrified of the associated weight gain.

moral of today's story: have near zero funds, eat near zero calories. if you can't buy it, you can't eat it. this is, of course, the opinion of a bourgeois twenty-something who has recently lost her money card and therefore cannot buy anything until it is replaced. i really have no room to speak about the eating habits of the truly impoverished, but this current trend in my living is certainly helping my numbers on the scale. i am in no way advocating that the truly poor should go ahead and starve to look good.

on the boy front, oh geez. i'm in emotional shutoff mode. there are ones that i'm afraid feel too much for me. there are the ones that i'm afraid i feel too much for. so i shut off completely, opting to feel nothing. i like it this way, especially currently, where i'm so freaked out about money and work and training that i don't have time to break down and cry for heartache. not to mention recent conversations that stirred up memories that i'd worked so hard to conceal and shut out with ana's help. i'm kicking myself for even bothering. why would i want someone to get so close to me to tell them about my life traumas? why would i trust so much? i don't deserve it. i'm a hideous, flabby, disorganized mess. sigh.

enjoy the thinspo. stay strong and think thin, my lovelies.

feeling fat... powerless... etc.

i feel terribly fat and ugly. i've been travelling a lot and working out and for some reason I feel terribly lardy anyway. it's cold where i live now and getting up is difficult and leaving the house is near impossible.

i did a major performance suspension the other day and my abs are still sore, it was like one big situp for about 20 minutes. i've been smoking and drinking way too much. i hope to lay off the sauce until december, i tend to lose a bunch of weight once i stop drinking.

it's so hard not drink at the moment though, with constant frustration and sadness looming at all turns. a good friend of mine died on Nov.1, suddenly and tragically. my world is still kind of shaky from that one. i escaped the day after her wake to go work at a big party in another city and ended up drinking for essentially three days straight. ugh. this has to stop.

i've been living on spicy eggplant and tofu and training as often as i can, so i'm still building muscle. i guess i just feel tubby today. haven't left the house yet.

i was denied help from a social service agency, which was a crushing disappointment. all i want is someone to help me fill out this fucking paperwork so that I can get insured for a fraction of what i'm paying now. i went to college for the last five years. i don't know how to be a grownup. i don't know what the fuck all the terms mean. i don't know how to get this proof of this and that. i need someone to hold my fucking hand and tell me how to do this kind of shit.

i'm lonely and sad a lot of time. sorry i haven't written here more often. i've been travelling so much for the last month that there just hasn't been any time. i go visit one lover and then come home to this freezing apartment and no job and friends that are gradually getting further and further away. it sounds terribly emo, but it feels like i'm always imposing my presence on people. it's like they wish i would just go away.

i know you readers love me for my rants and epic thinspo dumping so at least i've got you lovely skinnies on my side. enjoy the thinspo. i'm working on getting my stupid profile picture to work again. i guess not logging into photobucket for over a year will declare one's account inactive.

fired for my fatness... great

,my brief foray out of town was awesome. i had fabulous encounters with boys that say i'm beautiful. i love how they lie. or at least don't see what i see. they don't understand the vistas of disgusting fat that keep me from seeing anything else. it's easy to not eat while i'm there. no one really notices. they all forget about food too. there's never anything to binge on and they're all too broke to have lots of extra food. i still ate slightly too much, 300-500 cals per day on those days that i had to train. on the days that i ate even less, i fucked it all up by getting drunk. i didn't eat when i got drunk, but i felt all the calories from alcohol ruining my starvation.

now i'm back home and feeling weak... that's a loaded sentence. i feel weak because it's cold, really cold in my house and i cooked some of the last of my food (i'm running out) just to have the excuse to turn the oven on. i have training today, so i have no real choice about the need to eat today. i slept until 3pm, after getting home at 2am from the long-ass road trip home. my muscles feel shaky and i feel generally ugly. i feel weak too because i feel like i want to eat more food. i should take the diet pills and drink the red bull(sugar free, always), but during one of the food-less days out of town, i felt my heart start to fuck up again and it scared me.

while at one the bigger parties i'd left town to attend, i talked to someone from my old job. i wasn't sure if she was just being evil when she told me something i had not heard before. i used to dance in the same cabaret as this girl. one day, i stopped getting called in to work. this went on a for a while and figured it was just the issues of rotating performers in an overstocked industry. but later, this girl (prior to the conversation in question) told me that the owner put down the order to never hire me again. well, at this big party, this girl drops the reason as to why i was fired. because i was fat. on one hand, i see this as wonderful motivation to never eat again. on the other hand, i am so fucking pissed about this. i was so thin while i danced there. not as thin as i am now, but the difference isn't immense. how many of my ribs do you need to see for me to be good enough? how many inches must my hipbones stick out in front of me? i'm so sorry that my back is a wall of toned muscles that don't permit my vertebrae to counted from across the room. i've been on fucking asthma steroids my whole life and that muscle mass WILL NOT GO AWAY. and they say i was too fat? i kinda want to cry. once for having failed ana. and once for my shame at being so disgusting to the outside world.

and now to do ten situps for each photo posted. stay strong. think thin.

a name you keep repeating

these photos are old. for that i am sorry. but my are there a lot of them and they are all stunning examples of what i starve to achieve and then surpass.

it's been a shitty week to be me. i had a job. i lost it. i'm sick of being lied to. it's fucking lonely in here. curled up in front of my computer, cold and smoking and fat. i don't get it. people say i'm thinner. my clothes say i'm thinner. i never see it. ana would never let me down like that. but the scale doesn't see it either. i feel like i'm going to look hideous and huge that boy i met in the desert will see me as an appalling fat cow, and wonder why he liked me in the first place.

ugh. i worked out hard today. i couldn't run because my feet are still fucked up from consecutive accidents. one of said accidents was awesome, but the latest one was dumb. i kicked the ground while trying to kick something else and my right foot is full of hate. i lifted lots of weights, did muscle burning reps. before that, i ate a rice cake with some sunflower seed butter and jam. and two hardcore diet pills. as for the rest of today, about a cup of white rice with leftover uber spicy curry. for dinner, water looks like the only item on the menu.

one day, i will be thin enough to post myself. i have more ribs visible now than ever, but not enough, not like i had before. my hipbones are more pokey but my thighs just won't go away, no matter how i train, what i restrict. my thighs are an issue. they are hard chunks of useful muscle. they hold me on to aerial apparati and to the pole when i'm dancing. but thinner girls do pole tricks just as well, but i bet it hurts way more. but who am i to reject pain that i and all my fat so very much deserve.

i'm going to be traveling soon. again. not for long and not far, but likely in places where i can't update. it will be great to get out of this fucking town. away from people who don't have my back and just believe the lies they're told. ugh.

stay strong and thing thin.

muscle bound freak

Sorry it's been so long lovelies. I'm currently wallowing a fairly mucky pool of despair. My trainer put me on a scale. I weigh 130+lbs. I'm 5'6". Size 4-6 depending on the day. My hipbones stick out. My collarbone has never looked better. What this means now is that I am a bonafide muscle-bound freak.

I'm worried about my body fat ratio at the moment because my period skipped. No spotting, no nothing. Every expensive little stick I pee on keeps shouting back "Not Pregnant". So... what do I do?

I've been noticing greater control in my life and all of it's requisite symptoms. Lethargy, constant pain, easy bruising. Since I'm also a reckless freak, I've now injured myself twice in the same week, both foot injuries that involve raucous bruising and difficult walking. The less cardio I can get to burn calories, the more I have to restrict, hence my starving little life right now. I hope I can pedal my bike, otherwise today will suck extra.

One day soon, I will take a photoshoot that I'm happy about and actually sneak some image of myself into the thinspo. Speaking of thinspo, sorry there isn't more. I'm just short on time these days. Stay strong darlings. Think thin.

fatty mcfatsticks

i hate my period. i'm bloated. i feel gross. i don't feel like i ate too much today, but i do feel like i didn't train hard enough. being too sick to work out on monday was extra crappy. so here's some thinspo. bluh.