Tuesday, October 13, 2009

fired for my fatness... great

,my brief foray out of town was awesome. i had fabulous encounters with boys that say i'm beautiful. i love how they lie. or at least don't see what i see. they don't understand the vistas of disgusting fat that keep me from seeing anything else. it's easy to not eat while i'm there. no one really notices. they all forget about food too. there's never anything to binge on and they're all too broke to have lots of extra food. i still ate slightly too much, 300-500 cals per day on those days that i had to train. on the days that i ate even less, i fucked it all up by getting drunk. i didn't eat when i got drunk, but i felt all the calories from alcohol ruining my starvation.

now i'm back home and feeling weak... that's a loaded sentence. i feel weak because it's cold, really cold in my house and i cooked some of the last of my food (i'm running out) just to have the excuse to turn the oven on. i have training today, so i have no real choice about the need to eat today. i slept until 3pm, after getting home at 2am from the long-ass road trip home. my muscles feel shaky and i feel generally ugly. i feel weak too because i feel like i want to eat more food. i should take the diet pills and drink the red bull(sugar free, always), but during one of the food-less days out of town, i felt my heart start to fuck up again and it scared me.

while at one the bigger parties i'd left town to attend, i talked to someone from my old job. i wasn't sure if she was just being evil when she told me something i had not heard before. i used to dance in the same cabaret as this girl. one day, i stopped getting called in to work. this went on a for a while and figured it was just the issues of rotating performers in an overstocked industry. but later, this girl (prior to the conversation in question) told me that the owner put down the order to never hire me again. well, at this big party, this girl drops the reason as to why i was fired. because i was fat. on one hand, i see this as wonderful motivation to never eat again. on the other hand, i am so fucking pissed about this. i was so thin while i danced there. not as thin as i am now, but the difference isn't immense. how many of my ribs do you need to see for me to be good enough? how many inches must my hipbones stick out in front of me? i'm so sorry that my back is a wall of toned muscles that don't permit my vertebrae to counted from across the room. i've been on fucking asthma steroids my whole life and that muscle mass WILL NOT GO AWAY. and they say i was too fat? i kinda want to cry. once for having failed ana. and once for my shame at being so disgusting to the outside world.

and now to do ten situps for each photo posted. stay strong. think thin.

Sunday, October 04, 2009

a name you keep repeating

these photos are old. for that i am sorry. but my are there a lot of them and they are all stunning examples of what i starve to achieve and then surpass.

it's been a shitty week to be me. i had a job. i lost it. i'm sick of being lied to. it's fucking lonely in here. curled up in front of my computer, cold and smoking and fat. i don't get it. people say i'm thinner. my clothes say i'm thinner. i never see it. ana would never let me down like that. but the scale doesn't see it either. i feel like i'm going to look hideous and huge that boy i met in the desert will see me as an appalling fat cow, and wonder why he liked me in the first place.

ugh. i worked out hard today. i couldn't run because my feet are still fucked up from consecutive accidents. one of said accidents was awesome, but the latest one was dumb. i kicked the ground while trying to kick something else and my right foot is full of hate. i lifted lots of weights, did muscle burning reps. before that, i ate a rice cake with some sunflower seed butter and jam. and two hardcore diet pills. as for the rest of today, about a cup of white rice with leftover uber spicy curry. for dinner, water looks like the only item on the menu.

one day, i will be thin enough to post myself. i have more ribs visible now than ever, but not enough, not like i had before. my hipbones are more pokey but my thighs just won't go away, no matter how i train, what i restrict. my thighs are an issue. they are hard chunks of useful muscle. they hold me on to aerial apparati and to the pole when i'm dancing. but thinner girls do pole tricks just as well, but i bet it hurts way more. but who am i to reject pain that i and all my fat so very much deserve.

i'm going to be traveling soon. again. not for long and not far, but likely in places where i can't update. it will be great to get out of this fucking town. away from people who don't have my back and just believe the lies they're told. ugh.

stay strong and thing thin.