Saturday, March 31, 2007


i'm off into the world for a day. hopefully it will be able to see around my shadow. wish me luck skinnies. maybe there will be thinspo where i'm going. i will be burning plenty calories. dancing and downing energy drinks and running on zero sleep. sounds like a good day to me.

Friday, March 30, 2007

someone is listening and a few are watching

i think i've gotten maybe a total of five comments on this blog. today i got one that made me happy. i've been counting my views and i'm up to about 10/day. that makes me happy.

so if you're watching, getting enough sleep leaves me at 122.4 again. It's the weekend. I've had a weight watchers muffin, one carrot, and some cashew butter to go with the carrot. i need to drink more water. i'm going to take a nap soon. i went shoppping again today. but these clothes were madly on sale, so hooray. lovely, i dare say. and i'm still a small. that make me happy. i wore giant shoes so my legs looked extra too.

but, since one of you listeners/readers/watchers piped up, everyone has won, and all shall have prizes.

apparently, i can't

i am the fatass of all time. 124.6 this morning. how does that even happen? am i just so dehydrated and sick that i'm bloating, or is what little good that goes into me just stuck in there? what the hell is going on.

no matter what, i'm still a size four in designer clothing. that makes my day. tomorrow is, of course, for being less fat. fewer opportunities for eating and hopefully feeling less ill will keep me away from stuffing myself like a goddamn cow. i have 28 days to lose at least 10 pounds. april ambition, here i come. i will work hard. i will restrict harder. i will do whatever it takes to be substantially less. if i have to drink a little booze to replace a meal every day, or live every day according to some crazy diet in between 4 hour stints at the gym, that is what i will do.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

delta zero; still sick, still fat

the food photos are just so ironic. it makes me happy... more motivated i guess. i can do that. there has been much less of me before. 29 days. i can do this.

122.4 again. i hate the logic of being sick. i hate knowing how to be healthy. eating has become a reflex to nausea and illness. that needs to go away again. i'm too sick to excercise. maybe if i wake up in time tomorrow, i can just make a litre of hot lemonade and see how long i can last on that with diet coke and cigarettes as crutches.

tomorrow at least brings fewer excuses for food. maybe i'll just drink juice all day. i don't need to be strong to go shopping. same for friday. i have 29 days to hit 115 or lower. i just need the free time to be able to do minimal thinking and daily gut cleansing. until then however, i have to work harder. eat less. drink more water. i'm not at 2-3L per day like i should be. i'll definitely work on that tomorrow.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

skipped the scale today, feeling rather ill

these photos got pulled, while i was looking at them today. hooray for site histories. and, creepy as they are, it's lovely thinspo.

dammit. i woke up with a cold today. that was dumb

122.4; think i'm getting sick

or maybe i just need to sleep. i should sleep more, really, because if i'm asleep, i can't be stuffing my fat little face. 122.4 this morning. but i worked out hard and ate today, much more than i had planned, but that seems to be a trend these days. i wouldn't call it binging, but i wouldn't call it starving either. this must end. tomorrow is too busy to be on starvation numbers, but the next day is full of class, but not so full of thought. sleep. sleep is what i need.

i packed a better lunch for tomorrow and i have to eat some kind of omega-3 tomorrow that isn't a pill. but.... i got the dress!! yay. long story. if you know me, you know what it's for, so ask me about it so i can go EEEEEEK! and silly other nonsense sounds.

i'm all sniffly and my head hurts. i have class in the 6 hours and i have to walk tomorrow. it will be good to burn off calories, but hell when i'm dead tired. maybe the stress will slim me down. i need to be extra ribby for saturday.

** i know that stress won't slim me down if i cooperate with it. increased cortisol = increased fat storage and food craving. i know. i just need to not eat and be stressed. then i'll lose weight, as long as i keep moving too.

Monday, March 26, 2007

i am not thinner

i want to be, and i have a plan. this week is for rice as my staple. only rice and diet coke. some fruit. some veggie, but not much. i will eat like a starving biafran child. i should be asleep, but i'm staying up to try and let some of the way too many calories of today burn off.

i will be heavier tomorrow. because i am fatass. that is what i do. i gain and gain and gain.

i have to get as skinny as humanly possible for this upcoming weekend. i have less and less to do as the week wears on, so my food intake can follow that gradient. this could work. all rice, all the time. lots of time at the gym. it's the best i can do. i have to fit into a costume. it has to be a little baggy. i have to be thin. this is going to make me crazy.

by the end of april, i have to weigh so much less. I have 33 days to lose at least 10 pounds. i've done it before. i can do it again. i just want ana to take me back and let her turn off my hunger and make me love the pain again. i want to hurt and know that every day that i smile through it all i get closer to perfection.

i want the skin to retreat back to my bones with ever passing moment, not just every passing week. i want fat to melt away into sinew and my bones to shine under my skin. i want to float. i want to be closer in 6 days. i want to be even closer in 33. i promise i'll try.

Sunday, March 25, 2007


i feel ill. today went fine until i dropped a bomb on my guts. sure it only equated to the amount of flesh i was supposed to eat today, but dammit. tomorrow is all rice and fruit juice. if i can just do that for all of next week, i might be able to get back on track. i will wake up heavier tomorrow. taco salads will do that. dammitall.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

less working than i had hoped for

ummm. lame. i am of the uberfat. 122.4. i guess that's down .2 pounds from day 2's lovely numbers of 122.6.

wtf man. ah well. yesterday was full of too many booze calories anyway.

Friday, March 23, 2007

this had better work

i didn't cheat all fucking day. i had about 3 cups of thin soup full of veggies. i had the fucking 6 or 7 bananas out of 8 that i was supposed to try to eat. i drank three glass of liquid lard (milk). that was gross.

if i don't lose substantial weight by sunday, i'm going to cry, and fast on lemon juice after throwing away all my food. ugh.

under 120. that's all i ask. i obey every word of this dumb diet, except for when it violates my vegetarian rules. i go to the gym and work out until i get wobbly. i drink a ton of water like it tells me to. grrrr.

maybe eating the 6 tomatoes tomorrow will fix this. maybe it will all work out then. the fat will just burn right off. all the veggie meat i can stand and six tomatoes.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

full of failing

today sucked. i woke up to weighing 123.4, feeling really sore, and almost late. i had a pear for breakfast. i spent the first class of the day feeling like i was going to faint or vomit or both in short order. i didn't think i could make it to my locker to get the allowed food for the day. but the coffee shop had silver dollar sized fake egg quiches for $1.50. so i bought and ate 3/4 of it. then i felt less like fainting. but still, today was not obedient.

tomorrow is banana day, and that will be punishment enough. as long as my body stays on track... i keep reminding myself of how much i lost last time that i did this, and i cheated soooo much more then. i had a cookie every day and a piece of toast before bed. i have not cheated nearly so badly. tomorrow is supposed to kill the craving for sweet and salty food. i hope it works. i've got a feeling friday, "meat" and tomato day, will kill all desire for foo din general.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

crazy enough to work

122.6 this morning.

not bad, i guess. thank god for xanga and its ridiculous stock of real girl thinspo. hope you all enjoy the epic post.

the gm diet treated me well today. olives were my only cheat today (it's veggie day and their fruit). tomorrow is for fruits and vegetables together. it's really fucking hard to go with just one. i think i can feel it working though. my guts have been... er... active like they ought to be. i feel cleaner inside. i feel lighter too, even though i'm supposed to eat as many vegeables today as i can possibly stand.

i have pears for tomorrow. i'm so excited that i feel kind of silly. thursday is for bananas and milk and soup base. that will be the weird one. it was last time too. carrying all this food to school is really odd, as it comes with me in a grocery bag, so as not to get smashed or accidentally opened in my backpack.

i think i might lose a significant amount of weight this week. i doubt that i'll hit the 10-17 range, but 5 or six pounds might be plausible. i haven't seen numbers under 119 for a really long time. since the second or third day of my "recovery" period, i guess.

i worked out really hard at the gym today too. i hope that makes up for the olives. if my theory is right, i've already lost a significant amount of weight. i know that i didn't weigh 122.6 when i got home from break. I felt like i was around 125. friday is going to be odd. i get to eat fake meat and six fucking tomatoes. how do i even make that work? veggie burgers and fake bologna. all with tomatoes. guh. it's all for ana dammit. i want this. i can take my power back and i'm damn well going to do it right this time.

massive amounts of work are going to steal most of my gym time this week too, so i guess i'm glad that i've got this diet to fall back on. as long as i adhere to it, as best i can, its guarantees should have some impact on me. i just remember how wonderfully my weight dropped last time. i wonder if it will drop more dramatically just because there is so much more to lose. that might not make sense, but if you could hear me explain it, you'd get it. i'll have to do extra practice sessions to procrastinate to replace lost gym time.

if i'm really ambitious, maybe i'll do it again next week. this diet costs a stupid amount of money though. raw food is generally cheap, but the sheer quantity is kind of absurd.

ack! it's late. i still have to do the fatass photoshoot before i go to bed. if by thursday or friday my weight has dropped under 120, i will take pictures and post before and after shots. hooray for HP image edit.