i am not thinner

i want to be, and i have a plan. this week is for rice as my staple. only rice and diet coke. some fruit. some veggie, but not much. i will eat like a starving biafran child. i should be asleep, but i'm staying up to try and let some of the way too many calories of today burn off.

i will be heavier tomorrow. because i am fatass. that is what i do. i gain and gain and gain.

i have to get as skinny as humanly possible for this upcoming weekend. i have less and less to do as the week wears on, so my food intake can follow that gradient. this could work. all rice, all the time. lots of time at the gym. it's the best i can do. i have to fit into a costume. it has to be a little baggy. i have to be thin. this is going to make me crazy.

by the end of april, i have to weigh so much less. I have 33 days to lose at least 10 pounds. i've done it before. i can do it again. i just want ana to take me back and let her turn off my hunger and make me love the pain again. i want to hurt and know that every day that i smile through it all i get closer to perfection.

i want the skin to retreat back to my bones with ever passing moment, not just every passing week. i want fat to melt away into sinew and my bones to shine under my skin. i want to float. i want to be closer in 6 days. i want to be even closer in 33. i promise i'll try.