Monday, March 29, 2010

my fatness, soon available overseas

Sigh. The boy is away for a few days, so I get to starve and train like I should. After the last post, we made nice and all is well and cute and lovely. And now he's off on the road. So here I am to write thinspo posts while feeling fat. Huzzah. Still no word on whether or not I've placed in that transformation challenge thing, but I've been training hard, almost every day. It feels like I don't do enough though. There aren't any results that i find pleasant. My legs are still giant and my hipbones don't stick out enough. My back gets bruises from the floor though, so i guess i'm doing a little better. sigh. i just want to be thin and beautiful.

and soon, i'll get convert my pounds to stones and my dollars to pounds, as it looks like i'm europe bound for studies in september.

Tuesday, March 09, 2010


Sigh. I may have accidently rid myself of the boy that likes to cook for me. I really hope not, but I did fuck up. He'd stolen something from me before he knew a while ago. I saw it, a lighter, on what i didn't know was his altar. so i took it and he got upset that i touched his altar. i was pissed that he hadn't given it back. "it doesn't work anymore, why do you need it?" "why didn't you give it back to me before you killed it?" he said without it i wasn't represented on his altar. it lives in my fucking house where i pay all the rent, all the bills. i am represented every second i don't relocate his crap. about and hour of him bumbling around assembling stuff and he sets up to leave. "Are you coming back?" "Yeah, but I don't know when." All casual and happy sounding but he took a few days worth of stuff. So who knows. Maybe I'll get to starve myself the way i want for a few days. Now that he's out of the house, I can write here again. And goddammit, I'm gonna rant for a bit because this boy is screwing up my plans. He fucking lives here. He has his own space in my house that he will get defensive about. That was not in the fucking deal. He was supposed to crash here, not move in. It makes me so mad sometimes and I can't fucking say anything about it... except here. *smashes head against keyboard* i wish i had real friends that would listen to me rant like this in person.

As far as weight and food goes, I've done pretty well. The boy asked if i had lost more weight "because it looks like it". that's a good thing in my head, he wouldn't just say that to be nice. I've been slacking on the water drinking, but since I've thought of it now, I'll do better today. I burn so many calories every day that any amount of restriction makes a fairly visible result. Trying to load protein in with the diet of nothing i would prefer is hard, but doable. I may have won a contest at my gym for "body transformation" but it wouldn't surprise me if I didn't. I got my abs to have cuts on the side and the top two developed a split in the middle. so now i have a really odd shaped 4pack. Some days I feel pretty and on those days, I feel like I'm losing ana and fight extra hard to remind myself of how fat i am, how much room for improvement there is.

i feel like i'm slipping. losing my hold on what matters. i don't know if i love this boy like i said i did. i'm certainly not as sane as i pretend to be. i can't get stuff done. i'd rather be asleep. even the boy doesn't change that, but at least i have to hide it around him.

so far today i've had two or so sips of the boy's breakfast shake. i have to eat something protein-y before training. guh.

sigh. stay strong, think thin. enjoy the thinspo.