Tuesday, December 04, 2012
So I started the GM diet again. Day 1 was surprisingly easy. I managed to eat mostly melon. Only had to add a tiny bit of protein so I didn't destroy my body while I had to train. I have got to stick to it this time. I have a very good reason. I just need to be less. The feeling of control was so satisfying. I didn't even want to cheat. Tomorrow will be hard, but I'll be strong.
A rant: So there was this guy and we dated for a while, like years. I went away. He hooked up with this girl but I didn't care because we were open. I stayed gone, fell in love with someone else. He never told me that that one girl had become the girl. But they both told all of my friends that I knew about it. This thing started before I lost my heart to someone else. It shouldn't matter. But they conspired to lie to me and have my friends lie to me. And now every time I see them on the internet it breaks my fucking heart. I shouldn't care, but I do. And it sucks. And all of my friends still adore them and seem to ignore what they did to me.
Oh well. At least I have control. I have ana. She's always there for me, whether I want her or not. And right now, she's one of the only things holding me together.
Stay strong and think thin my pretties. Homework: 200 jacks. 200 situps. Touch your toes.
Monday, November 12, 2012
I am dredging and mulling. I know what caused it. All this old bitterness came swarming up to the surface after last week. I'm overly conscious of my weight, which I believe is immense and whale like. Last week, I was talking to a person who worked in the same club that I used to feature at. And I asked them if it had gotten better, etc, and mentioned how I had gotten blacklisted for no reason, only to hear later that it was because I was too fat. And the response was unexpected. "Well, Frank really doesn't like girth." Those words rattle around in my head, all day and all night. Validation, that I am in fact huge. And fat. Deserving of the word "girth". I feel ill. This is making me angry.
I was healthy for a while. That has to change. Back down the sick road we go.
So stay strong and think thin, lovelies. 500 situps. Go!