Monday, November 23, 2009

fatgivings day edition

a comment asked me how i dealt with thanksgiving. all those family and friends watching, so much food, i know the panic well. i survive it the way i handle any other day. if i'm in a situation where i'll be expected to eat, i eat whatever seems the most harmless. salad is a safe bet. the same tips we've all followed for years are rather worthwhile here. take a sip of water after every bite. set down your fork to chew. if you eat meat, take a small lean cut, the protein will do your body good. of course this holiday goes against the very goal of zero food, but the calories don't have to be overwhelming. you don't have to stuff yourself to look like you're eating like a normal person. if you're worried about binging, definitely drink a lot of water before you eat. if you intend to purge, don't eat anything crunchy or red.

my person strategy will be simple. i'll take the diet pills i always take. i'll drink lots water and bring a diet coke with me for dessert. i'm a vegetarian, a fact known to all my friends, so half the thanksgiving menue is already out of my reach. i'll eat salad in proportion to the dressing's guesstimated calorie content. anything outside of salad, i'll take a teeny serving of, just to look like i'm participating. before all this, i'll go for a run and/or do a bunch of sit ups. this way, my sick little mind will at least have a burned calorie total to work against, so i don't tear myself to pieces emotionally later. the more you burn beforehand, the less you have to punish later. and you can always make up for it in athletic punishment later. god knows that's part of my strategy too.

so there's turkey day panic, all in one little package.
a few details from my world: I've fucking snapped. Something in my brain just gave way last night and it's like ana swooped down and gave me a big, wrecking ball shaped hug. all the self criticism is back. i've had some rice and protein shake today, lots of water, and nothing else. i keep noticing that my jaw is clenched and i have to think really hard to make it let go. every thought is painfully clear, just like my vision. i feel like i'm in fast-forward mode, all the time. the only emotions i really process are sadness and anger, otherwise, there is nothing. sweet, cold nothing.
i can't sleep at night no matter how much i do during the day. i feel light, until of course i notice it's lightness i feel and then i'm back to huge cow status again.

the whole no booze thing is letting weight start falling off again. my face is thinner. my legs ever look better. my hipbones are out with a vengeance. i am pleased, still disgusted with myself, but pleased. i'm more toned looking now. i just have to keep it up. ugh. i am kind of tired now, and my muscles are begging me to eat or lay down and i'm definitely not going to eat. so laying seems to be the plan.

thanks for the support my skinnies. stay strong and think thin. one day we'll leave no footprints on the snow.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

poverty is excellent for dieting

before anyone jumps on it, i know some of the thinspo i've put up is photoshoppery at its most insidious. that does not make it any less thinspo to me. what i want is impossible and so are some of the images. the digital mutilation of women is what drives some of us to embrace ana and her impossible demands and i will proudly worship at the feet of whatever keeps me starving.

speaking of which, being hilariously broke is a great way to stay thin. i am, by no choice of my own, thriving on single slices of bread and lettuce because that's all i fucking have and i can't buy anything else because i've got shit for money right now. i finally broke into the one tuna can in my cupboard because i had to eat protein after my workout. this is postively ridiculous. quitting drinking has not saved me any money thus far. i'd quit smoking, but i'm positively terrified of the associated weight gain.

moral of today's story: have near zero funds, eat near zero calories. if you can't buy it, you can't eat it. this is, of course, the opinion of a bourgeois twenty-something who has recently lost her money card and therefore cannot buy anything until it is replaced. i really have no room to speak about the eating habits of the truly impoverished, but this current trend in my living is certainly helping my numbers on the scale. i am in no way advocating that the truly poor should go ahead and starve to look good.

on the boy front, oh geez. i'm in emotional shutoff mode. there are ones that i'm afraid feel too much for me. there are the ones that i'm afraid i feel too much for. so i shut off completely, opting to feel nothing. i like it this way, especially currently, where i'm so freaked out about money and work and training that i don't have time to break down and cry for heartache. not to mention recent conversations that stirred up memories that i'd worked so hard to conceal and shut out with ana's help. i'm kicking myself for even bothering. why would i want someone to get so close to me to tell them about my life traumas? why would i trust so much? i don't deserve it. i'm a hideous, flabby, disorganized mess. sigh.

enjoy the thinspo. stay strong and think thin, my lovelies.