Monday, November 23, 2009

fatgivings day edition

a comment asked me how i dealt with thanksgiving. all those family and friends watching, so much food, i know the panic well. i survive it the way i handle any other day. if i'm in a situation where i'll be expected to eat, i eat whatever seems the most harmless. salad is a safe bet. the same tips we've all followed for years are rather worthwhile here. take a sip of water after every bite. set down your fork to chew. if you eat meat, take a small lean cut, the protein will do your body good. of course this holiday goes against the very goal of zero food, but the calories don't have to be overwhelming. you don't have to stuff yourself to look like you're eating like a normal person. if you're worried about binging, definitely drink a lot of water before you eat. if you intend to purge, don't eat anything crunchy or red.

my person strategy will be simple. i'll take the diet pills i always take. i'll drink lots water and bring a diet coke with me for dessert. i'm a vegetarian, a fact known to all my friends, so half the thanksgiving menue is already out of my reach. i'll eat salad in proportion to the dressing's guesstimated calorie content. anything outside of salad, i'll take a teeny serving of, just to look like i'm participating. before all this, i'll go for a run and/or do a bunch of sit ups. this way, my sick little mind will at least have a burned calorie total to work against, so i don't tear myself to pieces emotionally later. the more you burn beforehand, the less you have to punish later. and you can always make up for it in athletic punishment later. god knows that's part of my strategy too.

so there's turkey day panic, all in one little package.
a few details from my world: I've fucking snapped. Something in my brain just gave way last night and it's like ana swooped down and gave me a big, wrecking ball shaped hug. all the self criticism is back. i've had some rice and protein shake today, lots of water, and nothing else. i keep noticing that my jaw is clenched and i have to think really hard to make it let go. every thought is painfully clear, just like my vision. i feel like i'm in fast-forward mode, all the time. the only emotions i really process are sadness and anger, otherwise, there is nothing. sweet, cold nothing.
i can't sleep at night no matter how much i do during the day. i feel light, until of course i notice it's lightness i feel and then i'm back to huge cow status again.

the whole no booze thing is letting weight start falling off again. my face is thinner. my legs ever look better. my hipbones are out with a vengeance. i am pleased, still disgusted with myself, but pleased. i'm more toned looking now. i just have to keep it up. ugh. i am kind of tired now, and my muscles are begging me to eat or lay down and i'm definitely not going to eat. so laying seems to be the plan.

thanks for the support my skinnies. stay strong and think thin. one day we'll leave no footprints on the snow.


Anonymous said...

I've been watching your blog for about a year now and I just wanted to say I still appreciate it. Keep going, we're reading.


belly said...

Thanks for the posting.

It's amazing how alone one can feel when surrounded by family, friends and food during the holidays.