holy backfat! somebody reads this crap i write!

first off: 81 followers! that's absurd. I'm glad you all like me though. I do enjoy the feeling of company that being read provides.

The holidays were shite but at least i didn't gain anything. i didn't really lose anything either tho. except of NYE, but i don't think dignity weighs terribly much. I still get queasy thinking about that. On the upside, the thought food was positively repugnant, no trying to avoid it necessary.

but now i'm back on my body transformation challenge. it's a thing that my gym is running. i'm trying to win a contest based strictly on before and after photos. my trainer wants me to lose what little fat she thinks i've got left. i want to lose a massive amount of sizing (i've quit counting pounds). i want bones that stick out and muscles with tone. so far this plan is going swimmingly. soon i'm off to run treadmill for 40 minutes before an hourlong weight's and cardio class. and then shed off the rest of breakfast in the sauna. my schedule, you might guess if you read the time stamps, is a bit fucked.

as much as it kills me inside, i do like the negative feedback i've gotten from some people i've asked for work and about why i lost the last dancing gig i had. i asked a bartender about work at his club. he asked why i lost my job at the other club. i told him the only reason i'd been told came from another employee (the venue never actually told me i was fired, they just quit calling) was that i was fat. and the bartender was like "maybe you were fat." those words keep bouncing around in my head. in my eyes, i was fat, am fat, and was only less fat when i was fainting every few days. so i have more motivation now to keep starving and keep losing. i really want to keep up my performance skills though, so it's a constant battle to maintain muscle but make it leaner and lose fat. one day, dammitall, my thighs will estranged from one another. i just can't make them go away.

enjoy the thinspo. i have acquired a bunch. i might sneak in a few of myself in the coming days should anything look particularly worthy. also, a dear model friend of mine has been known to browse this blog, and i'd just like to say hi and take fucking care of yourself. you are loved. all of you have my love and if this path with ana is the one you want, follow it. if it's something you're fighting to leave behind, for fuck's sake stop reading my drivel.