Tuesday, April 05, 2011

my name to you is just another word

Ugh. I think I've been gaining. I just upped my calories for a little while because it felt like I had plateaued, but now it's just rocketing up again. Thus, I am going running, then training, then conditioning and avoiding everything but dinner today.

I want to hit something. Really hard. I want to break all my knuckles again. I want to put the pain on the outside. There is this wonderful boy that I've been sleeping with for like a month now, and he's really sweet, polyamorous (kinda), and engaged. Every time he talks about his lovers, I know I'm not on the list. And it's awful. That is the most painful thing. I really like this guy. I could love this guy. I could love him like I love my boy back home. But... he sees this as something that totally ends when he goes back to london. I will never be kin to him. I will never be a lover to him. And that breaks my fucking heart.

i hate feeling like this. I resent being jealous because I should be better than that. i resent feeling anything because I want to spite him now. I want to starve away my feeling and show him more and more bones until we depart company. I don't want to give him the satisfaction of my tears when this ends.

Goddammit. Stay strong and think thin lovelies. Also, boys are dumb. Throw rocks at them.