Tuesday, April 05, 2011

my name to you is just another word

Ugh. I think I've been gaining. I just upped my calories for a little while because it felt like I had plateaued, but now it's just rocketing up again. Thus, I am going running, then training, then conditioning and avoiding everything but dinner today.

I want to hit something. Really hard. I want to break all my knuckles again. I want to put the pain on the outside. There is this wonderful boy that I've been sleeping with for like a month now, and he's really sweet, polyamorous (kinda), and engaged. Every time he talks about his lovers, I know I'm not on the list. And it's awful. That is the most painful thing. I really like this guy. I could love this guy. I could love him like I love my boy back home. But... he sees this as something that totally ends when he goes back to london. I will never be kin to him. I will never be a lover to him. And that breaks my fucking heart.

i hate feeling like this. I resent being jealous because I should be better than that. i resent feeling anything because I want to spite him now. I want to starve away my feeling and show him more and more bones until we depart company. I don't want to give him the satisfaction of my tears when this ends.

Goddammit. Stay strong and think thin lovelies. Also, boys are dumb. Throw rocks at them.


Lindsay said...

Mary kate and Ashley Olsen are Godesses. x

Thin is Everything said...

Don't hate me for saying this but I've gotten myself into a situation like this before. I know you think you love him, but I think before you get in even deeper than you already are, I suggest you get out of this. His rejection ( which you already know is coming considering he's ENGAGED ) may set you very far back. Ending this before he does will make you feel powerful because it will be on your terms, not his. Besides, who wants to be with a guy who's willing to cheat on his fiance.. what if you were her? I'm someone who wants to be able to change someone's cheating tendancies. You seem to have that in common with me but the reality is, some guys are hopeless jerks. My advice is save yourself some hurt and gain some confidence but telling him to take a hike. I hope this isn't offensive to you, I just truly care. Thin thoughts.xo

mzr said...

Hi, I just found this blog. I love it. I really need motivation. I just binged and I feel like sht.
Right now I'm a size 5 and I'm 119 lbs.

Thinspiration said...

Nice pictures you posted here. thanks :) keeps me motivated.