Friday, August 21, 2009

fatty mcfatsticks

i hate my period. i'm bloated. i feel gross. i don't feel like i ate too much today, but i do feel like i didn't train hard enough. being too sick to work out on monday was extra crappy. so here's some thinspo. bluh.

Monday, August 17, 2009

sick on a nice day

i hate this. i am sick on a day when i could be working out. i can't do anything. i feel fucking terrible. it's hot, sunny outside. and i'm stuck in my house as i don't want run around infecting the world. eating is quite the chore so i haven't done much of it. i don't deserve to eat if i'm not earning it. i hardly deserve it then. i wouldn't have eaten anything at all if i hadn't given thought to my muscles and how starving them won't do me any good in this circus dream of mine.

my body finally told me: STOP. i have too much to heal right now. a huge blister on my ring finger, a rip on my thumb, all kinds of smaller damage incurred from shows. ugh. i feel so fucking awful. i want to go train, i want go practice, but no, my head is full of snot and my ears keep popping, my throat feels disagreeable. hopefully this won't last too long. as long i keep forcing water and vitamin C in, i should be okay. i need to train, i have to be in top shape for my upcoming trip. sigh.

also, it's time to gather thinspo. i guess i can spend today doing that.

Saturday, August 08, 2009

"you're getting so petite lately"

i have to remind myself of what this hunger is for. friday is the day i have to eat like a normal person, otherwise, the pain is too fucking much. four days a week, i train/workout very very hard. and i restrict, a lot. friday is maintainence day and i hate it because the second i start eating, it feels like i can't stop. and then feel horrid and fat and like a terrible failure. i'm writing this to inspire me to restrict much harsher tomorrow than i otherwise would. being mostly out of money will help this endeavor.

i met a new boy to add to my harem. he's a total darkling and i think he's so fucking cute. he's the best thinspo ever too and i feel like i need to lose at least another 15lbs to even okay by his side. motivation is motivation, whatever form it may arrive in.

the title quote comes from a lady at a store that i shop at frequently. she looked me up and down when i walked in and said exactly that. "you're getting so petite lately." this is progress. again. finally. sigh.

now to go to bed before i put any more sin in my face.