a name you keep repeating

these photos are old. for that i am sorry. but my are there a lot of them and they are all stunning examples of what i starve to achieve and then surpass.

it's been a shitty week to be me. i had a job. i lost it. i'm sick of being lied to. it's fucking lonely in here. curled up in front of my computer, cold and smoking and fat. i don't get it. people say i'm thinner. my clothes say i'm thinner. i never see it. ana would never let me down like that. but the scale doesn't see it either. i feel like i'm going to look hideous and huge that boy i met in the desert will see me as an appalling fat cow, and wonder why he liked me in the first place.

ugh. i worked out hard today. i couldn't run because my feet are still fucked up from consecutive accidents. one of said accidents was awesome, but the latest one was dumb. i kicked the ground while trying to kick something else and my right foot is full of hate. i lifted lots of weights, did muscle burning reps. before that, i ate a rice cake with some sunflower seed butter and jam. and two hardcore diet pills. as for the rest of today, about a cup of white rice with leftover uber spicy curry. for dinner, water looks like the only item on the menu.

one day, i will be thin enough to post myself. i have more ribs visible now than ever, but not enough, not like i had before. my hipbones are more pokey but my thighs just won't go away, no matter how i train, what i restrict. my thighs are an issue. they are hard chunks of useful muscle. they hold me on to aerial apparati and to the pole when i'm dancing. but thinner girls do pole tricks just as well, but i bet it hurts way more. but who am i to reject pain that i and all my fat so very much deserve.

i'm going to be traveling soon. again. not for long and not far, but likely in places where i can't update. it will be great to get out of this fucking town. away from people who don't have my back and just believe the lies they're told. ugh.

stay strong and thing thin.