sorry for the slow updates

i've found a benefit in being an emotional wreck who doesn't sleep anymore and exercises so she won't cry. i forget to eat. it's been so long since i've been able to forget food and/or be actively repulsed by the very concept. i'm finally losing weight again. small victories.

the boyfriend is now the ex boyfriend. my heart is so broken that sometimes, even after a week, i can't breathe. he doesn't want to speak to me anymore. he has a new girlfriend. i pity her. if there is any lesson that i'll learn from this breakup, it's dating him was only a favor to the rest of womankind. at the same time, i love him. i want him back desperately. i want to write him and call him and remind him that i love him and that he loves me. at the same time, i want to ruin his life and ensure that no girl is ever hurt by him again.

the fling, despite all of my fairly high profile drama, not only still speaks to me but still wants to see me. it's so strange to me. i feel unlovable. if he sticks around though, i'll get thin again. i can't stand being fatter than my date and he is so fucking skinny.

i should be doing schoolwork, but i can't motivate myself. i have huge papers due by 9am friday. i have a show to manage by saturday. ack. i have all the time in the time world to fill with everything but memories of a love that was stolen from me. i'll always have ana though. she's finally come back to me in my time of need.

stay strong and think thin my loves.

i want to update more often, but...

being fat takes a lot of my time lately.

life has been full of skinny days and fat days. every day in which i drink enough water, i can eat next to nothing. every day that i don't drink enough water... bad news. i am fat. tada! not much new.

my goal weights need to be rearranged again. i just want to be thin by the time i get to europe in july. once school is out, i can start training 14 hours per week again and life will be lovely.

my ex is coming to visit on friday, so i'm kind of freaking out about how much i've ballooned. he's said really mean things about his ex girlfriends before ("*** came to visit the other day and she was HUGE!"). I don't want that. I wish knew what I wanted though. I guess we'll see. I haven't seen him since fucking November, so who knows what will happen.

school is eating my life. and i am eating too much. tomorrow is for lots of water, more diet pills, and way less food than today. no more snacking at my friend's house. no more beer (just liquor). ugh. fat fat fat.