a realization

Cruising the internet, collecting new thinspo and realizing that someone had to take those pictures. Goddammit I miss my real-life rexie friends. Everybody else moved on. "It was just a phase." "Nobody noticed us going crazy." "So glad we snapped out of that." NO NO NO! I want the late night missions to the drug store for fashion mags. I want the food diary comparisons and midday check-ins and calls to hit the gym. It's fucking lonely to do this by myself. It's not like I can stop or anything, but god it sucks so much not have anyone real and living to share this with. No one to photoshop myself to a goal size with... dammit. I am sad. That is all.

"it's like you've dropped 20 pounds since i saw you last"

people are starting to notice and I like it. it makes all this pain worth it. the title is a quote from a performance on sunday. the same night, one of my friends looked at me and said "you have lost hella weight since (end of august event) and you were fucking skinny out there too." if you keep up with this blog, you'll be amused to note that this performance was at the venue that had previously ditched me for being too fat. score one for Team Ana.

there is a boy in my life who seems to be setting me up for greater weight loss via crushing disappointment. i keep kicking myself, saying "this is why we only love ana. she won't ever leave you. she won't insist that she's coming back and then find ways to disappoint you. she's here. love her, nothing else." no matter how i look at it, it's like a i'm a crazy sycophant for some cause or other, be it ana or love (first one in a long time).

a note on the thinspo: i include retardedly photoshopped images because they serve their purpose. they present an image as distorted at the one i have for myself.