Tuesday, October 12, 2010

i live in England now

Every day is insane and I rarely have internet. This stuff is harder to post than a normal blog, when out in public, that is. I am training 9-10 hours per day here and it's lovely. I can feel my bones blooming through my skin again. A recent personal tragedy sent me running into Ana's arms as well, and eating is really a thing I do to keep up appearances and when I absolutely feel like I will faint. Currently, even the brightest day feels gray and my heart is fucking broken because one of my beautiful lovers has passed on from this life.

All of my pain and my challenges are wonderful thinspo in some sick way though. If something hurts (something always hurts), I make it a mark of pride. Every time I want to cry, I hear Ana telling me I don't deserve those tears yet. I must drink more water, I must train harder, I must not keep fighting, and I must let her win. More water, more cigarettes, less food. I can't binge here, like physically incapable of it, since a binge to me was a normal day's calories for a sane person... the training is so intense that i can eat a whole sandwich I won't gain weight. Not like I'm trying to gain anything though. Only losing. Losing is really all I can do. I lose weight. I lose friends. I lose faith...

My boyfriend back home is the best thing ever though. He sends me packages with photos and notes and wonderful things.


Anonymous said...

<3 thank you.
i read all of your blog in a few days. i feel like your writing about me, that you live where i live (montreal), that i should know you. i guess that's what bloggings all about, a sense of intense familiarity coupled with intense unknown. u make me feel better. somehow, when i read ur blog, i manage to not hate myself for a few moments (hours sometimes) and it dulls my hunger pains.
i figured u had stopped posting because u were in recovery. i have mixed emotions about u answering me.

InvisibleDisorderedOne said...

It's wonderful to hear form you again!

sending love and strength (send some back to me cause I need it too)


Trisha said...

harder and harder and harder...
you're here for me.
and you gotta work harder.
i just want you to get... There.
keep posting.