post xmas hate-fest

i am disgusting. i have lost so many sizes and still no gap. i got through xmas without feeling too awful and no real binging happened either. but i felt gross enough to not want to have sex. i often feel too gross for sex. and my self-proclaimed nympho boything now tells me, VIA EMAIL that he typed while we were sitting in the same fucking room have a conversation, that i'm not fucking him enough and that his needs are actually kind of disgusting in the amount of sex he thinks he needs. i find this especially funny considering how quick a decent round with him tends to be. but that's why it's perfect and now i'm in this position to feel like i'm fucking up something good again. because i'm fat. i am disgusting. i don't deserve anything good. because i'm a vile cow and as long i feel gross because i am gross i'll keep ruining everything that's good in my life. headdesk.

long story short, i'm off to the gym, where maybe i can feel a little less gross. and after the gym, it's time to train some more.

i'm really homesick for my new home right now. i miss my room. i miss the loneliness of not having anyone because no one's there to have, instead of this local sadness that comes from having what i missed so much and not really wanting it anyway.