Saturday, September 02, 2006

would you have loved me enough to stay if i were thinner?

tomorrow is for 500 calories. i have to prove to myself that i can do it. salads, no dressing. one grapefruit. lots of agar in coffee and tea and miso soup. i can do it. i've done it. i weighed ten pounds less that i do right now, not four months ago. this is disgusting. if this is what recovery is, then i don't fucking want it any more.

i miss the emptiness. i've learned to fear that few minutes of nausea and vertigo before it passes. so i act on it instead of relish it. i don't have to use my brain til sunday night. i could even fast until then.

any takers? i have great initiative right now. my right hand has FAT written on it bold red sharpie, while the left says in equally red bold letters, DON'T FEED ME!! i'm excited. i want this soo much. i want control back

i'm sad. i miss my boyfriend. i lay in bed last night crying because i want human contact. i wanted to invite a friend down whom i hadn't seen in years, but the last time we were together, we were in his best friend's bed... i want attention. human touch. i want a lap curl up in. a hand to stroke my hair and tell me it's going to be okay... that my best is, in fact, enough. i want this pain to go away. the pain my heart. the pain my body. the weight of my flesh is crushing was little happiness i've clung to lately.

no one calls me. i guess it's good of them. i wouldn't want to go out with them and be the fat friend anyway. i'd probably eat something and embarass them. i wish i had some kind of support. there are so many new skinny freshmen running around at school, and girls that have shown more bone recently... i want to ask them terribly unsubtle things, to see if they're pro-ana or not. but i know that i must reduce myself before that can happen. i'd just be some obsesessed fatass that wanted to "catch anorexia". who would believe me when i say "I tried recovery to save me from losing the love of my life?" no one. just me.


Cascata said...

Hey... just wanted to say that I read a few of your entries, and if you ever need someone anonymous to listen, drop me a line, ED penpal style. Hope you're having a good week.

astrid said...

i hope that u will lose ur ideal weight i am trying to lose some weight too
i am 163cm and i am now 78kg
i want to be 45kg