Thursday, November 30, 2006

so grossed out by my existence

i could weigh 130 by now. this is fucking disgusting. i can't be this fat. it's not allowed. i'm going to the gym tomorrow, sick or not. i'm taking my fucking pills and i'm going to eat negative calories and drink water and eat tums before breaking for food. every time i feel hungry, i'll smoke a cigarette. if i'm still hungry, i drink water. if i get hunger pains or feel faint, i'll eat a tums. dammit all.

i cannot flap around in public weekend. no way. nuh uh. i will not be a mediocre fatass. i'm sick of it. i'm going to be a fucking star and to do that, i have to be thin. i weighed 112 once. what happened to that? i was skinny. i was happy. i was beautiful. people looked at me.

i've got to get accountable. it has to happen. i'll get on a report my weight in the morning. and again at night. dammit. this hurts.

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