sleepless in purgatory

i am a cow. a huge, lumbering, sixe 6, round faced cow. my new plan starts tomorrow. i will blog in with a report on DAY1. my really hard pilates routine is at least making me feel a little better, but this new diet might help too. here's the plan:
morning: oatmeal
lunch: shake
dinner: salad

tuesday:
morning: oatmeal
lunch: tuna
dinner: salad

wednesday:
morning: shake
lunch: shake
dinner: salad

thursday:
morning: oatmeal
lunch: shake
dinner: salad

i am so tired. and so sad. i feel like i'm not good enough for anyone. all of my ambitions get crushed by school and my own fatness. i cried today already. i feel disgusting. i keep eating like a normal person and that can't be permitted. i need to be back to a size four before my next show. i need a change. i need to not feel this way anymore... i want to hurt myself over and over and over, just so the pain will kill my appetite. i want to yell and scream and cry to my boyfriend, but he's the problem right now. he has everything going for him. nothing is an "us" thing anymore. none of the travel, the visits, gigs. it's all business to him. i give him as much support as i can but i don't ever see any returns. this hurts. even he thinks i'm fat now. fuck.

enjoy the thinspo.

it's 3am, i must be fat

back from my whirlwind world tour and back in school. fatter than ever. i just started the most agonizing pilates regimen, so that will hopefully help things a little bit. i just want to fit into a size four again in the next two months. that is my new target. easy diet (no stupid food, no binging) and burn more than I eat. So i'm really trying to burn a lot. dammit.

my size three jeans finally don't zip anymore. i keep gaining. i don't know what to do. my ass is just expanding exponentially. i guess i'll just keep trying. it worked once. i just have to keep trying. maybe i'll start bring agar with me again, slipping it into hot drinks to fill me up. sigh.