training is making me thinner. i can tell, because new bones stick out. i have new bruises that would never have happened if the bones were covered in their typical layer of lard. my knees clip the floor and my tailbone gets sore. the backs of my hipbones grind into the bar as to do the front ones (i do circus stuff... the bar is part of an aerial apparatus). my collarbones are a little more out, though they don't stick out away from my shoulders yet. soon. soon will have that body back.
despite all the cumulative progress, i failed today. i ate brie cheese. i ate bread. etc. i deserve to die alone and fat and unloved. i miss my boyfriend. i'm sick of being some booty call for some highly successful and equally lonely scenester. i'm sick of feeling dumb and fat every day. i'm sick of the random flashes of death that streak across my vision when i'm particularly unhappy. i'm sick of dreaming about jumping out of moving cars just to see how long it would take the two people up front to notice. i'm sick of wondering what would happen if i just let go, didn't hook in my feet, didn't bend my knees, just shut my eyes and fall forever.
i hurt all the time. i'm deliberately not eating protein until i absolutely can't take the pain anymore. i've been walking on a rolled ankle for four days now, trying really hard not to let anyone notice, unless i have to base a stunt where someone's safety depends on my sound footing, and then i have to cave and say i shouldn't do it. it's not even the pain that stops me, it's the joint itself. it just won't hold up when it needs to. fuck. it's late. i'm going to get to class showered and on time tomorrow no matter what. ugh.
think thin lovelies.
