Monday, February 25, 2008

new bones, new bruises

i'm on an asian kick tonight, apparently. lots of eugenia and kanako to feast your starving eyes upon.

training is making me thinner. i can tell, because new bones stick out. i have new bruises that would never have happened if the bones were covered in their typical layer of lard. my knees clip the floor and my tailbone gets sore. the backs of my hipbones grind into the bar as to do the front ones (i do circus stuff... the bar is part of an aerial apparatus). my collarbones are a little more out, though they don't stick out away from my shoulders yet. soon. soon will have that body back.

despite all the cumulative progress, i failed today. i ate brie cheese. i ate bread. etc. i deserve to die alone and fat and unloved. i miss my boyfriend. i'm sick of being some booty call for some highly successful and equally lonely scenester. i'm sick of feeling dumb and fat every day. i'm sick of the random flashes of death that streak across my vision when i'm particularly unhappy. i'm sick of dreaming about jumping out of moving cars just to see how long it would take the two people up front to notice. i'm sick of wondering what would happen if i just let go, didn't hook in my feet, didn't bend my knees, just shut my eyes and fall forever.

i hurt all the time. i'm deliberately not eating protein until i absolutely can't take the pain anymore. i've been walking on a rolled ankle for four days now, trying really hard not to let anyone notice, unless i have to base a stunt where someone's safety depends on my sound footing, and then i have to cave and say i shouldn't do it. it's not even the pain that stops me, it's the joint itself. it just won't hold up when it needs to. fuck. it's late. i'm going to get to class showered and on time tomorrow no matter what. ugh.

think thin lovelies.


baudelaire said...

I did the walking on a rolled ankle thing in my 20's and I still have problems with it today. Try not to do that if you can girl.

Would be nice if you engaged in a conversation here. I've so much to ask and to say to you. I wonder at your pain, what it's source might be. It's so strong and sad to see.
I had a thought last night that it so easily and quickly becomes LATER in life. I remember when I was ten and that's only as long away as when I'll be fucking SEVENTY and it makes me wanna gag something up.
Point I'm making is this. RIGHT NOW is ALWAYS your life, never in the future, always now. The future is of no value to you, you can't touch it, only now matters and your headspace now determines your experience of life.
Another important realisation is that NOBODY gives a shit really. Most people are too busy with themselves to either see your point of view, or to give a damn, and No one is going to see your priorities as more important than their own. SO whatever you do to yourself, you only make you happy or unhappy.
SO cheer up Emoh child :)

so_alone said...

i blog about pain when i feel it. notice that i go for weeks without writing anything, because there is no real point in reciting my happiness in this particular blog. what i write about is but a mere facet of my day to day existence.

the disorder really only strikes at my heart when i have time for it. or when i finally notice that i'm hungry. the boy-gossip is not really the source of my angst. i'm a 20 something college student muddling through her bachelor's thesis with a little extra baggage. honestly, i am a happy looking and sounding person. sometimes i even believe me. i engage well in class and do lots of homework. i have a million hobbies. please don't assume that this is all of me.

tannie said...

I love reading your posts, but you should update more often girl! The thinspo is helping me shave off pounds as well as the stories you blog about in your life. It sounds like you do have a complex life, but I do believe you when you say it is not all of you and you are a happy looking and sounding person. On many of your points that you blog about, I feel I can identify with you on them. I hope to read more of your blog when you post again!
Stay strong girl. :)

Mika said...

HI, I'm from Brazil, and i love the photos!!!