Wednesday, February 06, 2008

fat with a cold

i have a cold. it sucks. my training causes me all kinds of pain in that way that it makes me less fat. whee! not losing any weight visibly thus far, but i feel more muscular and that must mean something. the cold has kept most dairy products out of my system, thus adding to my consumption of strictly negative calories. though to stave off the pain of training, i've added a once a week protein shake to my diet. if i hurt too much, i might add another shake because they help in mere minutes. screw painkillers. protein is a more immediate and less debilitating solution. if i have to weigh more because of muscles and still wear a size 2 someday, whatever. fine.

thanks for all the comments. the responses have been either comforting or thought provoking. both are good things. just know that i can really only communicate through the blog because i can't write back via my personal email for obvious security reasons.

i've been in a dark mood recently and remembering that this blog is regularly read reminds me to look outside of my lardy self for minute and keep living.

currently, i'm all huge and bloated due to that time of the month. more huge and bloated that normal, which is pretty bad already. i'm noticing any visible differences in my body, but other people are. also, more pairs of my jeans are fitting loosely again. that pleases me. my goal is to be back in the size 4 range by the end of the month/ beginning of march.

by may, i want results. skinny results. i want to show my hipbones to the world and nothing is going to stop me. i have all the diet pills in the world to cycle through. i have less time to eat when not at home than ever and more time invested in training that is probably healthy. i have big shows coming up too with thin mandating roles. all the motivation i need and then some. also trying to win back the love of my life. being pretty for once wouldn't hurt.


Lysse said...

Love your posts, I feel like I'm finally listening to a part of myself that I ignore. By eating.

Your self criticism reminds me that, even though no one may see me binge, judgment is still being passed.

Jas said...

I love love love your blog. Not only for the thinspo but to realise that there are other people with the same goals and aspirations as you, to become thinner, invisible, beautiful. I read your comments about yourself and realise that I should be more like you, harsher, stronger, thinner.

Love love love your blog.