Wednesday, January 30, 2008

i am a great liar... a test told me so

You Are a Great Liar

You can pretty much pull anything over on anyone.
You are an expert liar, even if you don't lie very often.

i do lie a lot. i tell people i'm fine all the time. i tell people that i like myself and that pro-ana is dangerous and terrifying. but inside, i love it. i love how it drives me to be perfect above everything else. to be thin is to be loved and perfected and wanted and respected for my control. to be thin is to feel control. to feel hungry, to hurt with hunger, to train hard until you body aches and you can feel the muscles starving with the rest of your body is control.

i am a big, fat liar.

oh well. i'm paying for it. i hurt every day from my new workout schedule. it adds up to about 12 hours a week. i'm trying to eat better, eat less, but the pain makes me hungry. i don't want to lose these muscles, but i want to lose so much of my body weight that some of them have to go.

i'm glad that people comment on these. i feel less alone. keep reading. take my thinspo for whatever use you want. we all share.


adam said...

So, since control is a subject you seem interested in, I thought I'd discuss it a little with you.
Feeling in control of oneself is supremely important to being a happy chappy, but I think it's important to distinguish which things it's important to have control over. which are meaningful and which are not.
Having some control over your diet and what kind of thing you put in your body is important. You are what you consume (smokes, powders, food, booze, whatever). Rubbish in equals rubbish health. Bad diet, insufficient minerals and vitamins equals short life and bad times in later adulthood. No roughage equals bowel cancer, you know, you have to be careful with this shit.
Some kinds of control matter in a positive way in the long term.. If you understand how money actually works (none of this fucking 'working for a living' bullshit), you have ultimate control and ultimate freedom. society is geared to have ultimate control over you, and the only way to shatter that is to understand money.
If you want to understand it better, ask me. don't worry, I'm not fucking selling Amway or some shit :P I've just been through this questioning thing and come out the other side. Yu seem bright, I'd like to think I could help you concentrate on things that are important.

so_alone said...

thanks for the insight. in my pursuit of perfection, i do take care with what little i put in my body.

also, i did comment back on your first comments, they are all there somewhere. i hope you understand the position i am in so you don't feel slighted at my inability to reply directly back to you. you can't know my name. thus i can't just email you. it's a dangerous enterprise.

presa en mi carne said...

i always read you and see all the pictures you post.actually,i really love them and love your blogspot for that very reason...but still i don't know why i never ever commented on your posts...maybe it's because i don't speak english,i speak it's kind of difficult for me to communicate in a different language.but i don't really know if that's it.
it's always kinda sad ,reading you i mean...i don't know,it looks like you really,really want to reach your goals and it's just so hard for you and you always keep on trying...well,anyways,i just wanted to let you know that you are NOT alone in this.

kit said...

For some reason, I feel like we should be friends. I hate by excess too.

trulymadlydelectably said...

Been haunting your blog since I found it, that being a little over two weeks ago. Read it from beginning to end. I kind of have a similiar blog which I began for New Year's being a res. I kind of made to myself. Our blogs are kind of similiar in the sense we both post up thinspo, you definitely post up easily triple the amount I do, lol. I kind of respect and look up to you, at least you seem to know what you're dealing with and how to handle your problems. Me, I consider myself a little naieve in this ED world, even though I've bene battling with it for a good two years now. I didn't even know there was such a thing when it all really started. It was wierd.
Now I regularly trawl the internet for insight, help, support. I've had to deal with a lot of health problems because of what I've given my body to deal with. I'm going to have to pay.
I hope I can heal. I hope you can to, that is if you're ready to heal. If not, I hope you find peace.
Please keep writing. And keep up with the pics.

Anonymous said...

how do you do it? how do you stay so strong? sorry, it's not really something i'm asking for an answer, just thinking out loud i guess. congratulations. keep up the good work. we need someone like you.

J00kst3r said...

Oh good. I was afraid you'd find the comments annoying! I'll make it a point to drop by often!