fatass photoshoot

instead of having a scale, i take pictures of myself every night. last night they looked really good. i hope i look really good tomorrow when I step off a plane. It's exciting alright. Playin' hookey for a whole weekend of dancing in the woods. Radness. I feel huge even though I haven't been eating nearly at all these days. the cold helps that. i get to see my love. hopefully awe him with my beauty. a girl can dream can't she?

fatass photoshoot

instead of having a scale, i take pictures of myself every night. last night they looked really good. i hope i look really good tomorrow when I step off a plane. It's exciting alright. Playin' hookey for a whole weekend of dancing in the woods. Radness. I feel huge even though I haven't been eating nearly at all these days. the cold helps that. i get to see my love. hopefully awe him with my beauty. a girl can dream can't she?

240

protein shake w. green tea for breakfast
biking to class. then it's...
workworkwork
playplayplay
workworkwork
sleep.

i know i'll have to eat somewhere in that interim, but i'm not sure when or why. i have to for at least an hour today, as well as go to aerobics and practice. nothing like a hard workout to make sitting in the library feel like sanctuary.

at least you love me enough to come back

oh god.

this week is off to a good start, but not good enough.
tomorrow is for a protein shake for breakfast and huge thing of water.
not much after that, but i have tons of exercise in my schedule tomorrow too. i have to look good for my love when he gets here. i can't be this cow that i've gotten so used to loathing in the mirror.

wish me luck.

girls' night out

yes, i know. booze it full of calories. but it heals a broken heart, at least for a little while. i've eaten negative calories all day. i like my cup of calories, because i usually end up running around and doing all kinds of active things that burn off most of it. it inhibits calorie burning, true, but, i'll likely be the opposite of hungry in the morning, just like i was today.

this week

has not gone well at all.

i feel huge. my pictures are starting to reflect. i'm injured, again.

at least i'm sore. i got one hell of a workout on wednesday, but i haven't been able to do it again since then. i got to dance a bit tonight, and bike to and from school. i have lose at least 3 pounds in the next week. tomorrow, the nalgene leaves the house with me again. dammitall. i can't feel like this. i want to feel empty. i want it so fucking much. ED readers, send me thinspo, bones, reverse. whathaveyou.

i shouldn't be awake right now, but i've been up all night munching and doing reading. i wish i had thinspo to show off, but i've been too busy to sit in front of a computer for hours looking for a new bony girl to upload to photobucket.

i want a restriction buddy. someone to pounce on me when i'm going to eat something terrible.

tomorrow is for very little food and very much drunk. alcohol has too many calories. i think i'm going to have a 200 cal breakfast and then celery and cucumber snacks until the drinking begins. then as long i avoid the drunk munchies, i'll be well off for a good start on saturday.

would you have loved me enough to stay if i were thinner?

tomorrow is for 500 calories. i have to prove to myself that i can do it. salads, no dressing. one grapefruit. lots of agar in coffee and tea and miso soup. i can do it. i've done it. i weighed ten pounds less that i do right now, not four months ago. this is disgusting. if this is what recovery is, then i don't fucking want it any more.

i miss the emptiness. i've learned to fear that few minutes of nausea and vertigo before it passes. so i act on it instead of relish it. i don't have to use my brain til sunday night. i could even fast until then.

any takers? i have great initiative right now. my right hand has FAT written on it bold red sharpie, while the left says in equally red bold letters, DON'T FEED ME!! i'm excited. i want this soo much. i want control back

i'm sad. i miss my boyfriend. i lay in bed last night crying because i want human contact. i wanted to invite a friend down whom i hadn't seen in years, but the last time we were together, we were in his best friend's bed... i want attention. human touch. i want a lap curl up in. a hand to stroke my hair and tell me it's going to be okay... that my best is, in fact, enough. i want this pain to go away. the pain my heart. the pain my body. the weight of my flesh is crushing was little happiness i've clung to lately.

no one calls me. i guess it's good of them. i wouldn't want to go out with them and be the fat friend anyway. i'd probably eat something and embarass them. i wish i had some kind of support. there are so many new skinny freshmen running around at school, and girls that have shown more bone recently... i want to ask them terribly unsubtle things, to see if they're pro-ana or not. but i know that i must reduce myself before that can happen. i'd just be some obsesessed fatass that wanted to "catch anorexia". who would believe me when i say "I tried recovery to save me from losing the love of my life?" no one. just me.

thinspiration marathon

12x My Body weight eh?

123 x 12 = 1476

yeah. i bet i hit that target today. eughck. schoolwork must burn calories. six hours in the library has to be burning something. the brain has all kinds of caloric debt exacted on the body. my left occipital lobe has a bigger bicep than your mom.