morning

morning weight: (plus 1 fruit)
123.4lbs
fatass
housemate is in the shower taking forever. godamn it i hate her so much.

so grossed out by my existence

i could weigh 130 by now. this is fucking disgusting. i can't be this fat. it's not allowed. i'm going to the gym tomorrow, sick or not. i'm taking my fucking pills and i'm going to eat negative calories and drink water and eat tums before breaking for food. every time i feel hungry, i'll smoke a cigarette. if i'm still hungry, i drink water. if i get hunger pains or feel faint, i'll eat a tums. dammit all.

i cannot flap around in public weekend. no way. nuh uh. i will not be a mediocre fatass. i'm sick of it. i'm going to be a fucking star and to do that, i have to be thin. i weighed 112 once. what happened to that? i was skinny. i was happy. i was beautiful. people looked at me.

i've got to get accountable. it has to happen. i'll get on a report my weight in the morning. and again at night. dammit. this hurts.

i want you to notice

when i'm not around
i wish i was special

i'm wallowing in mediocrity. i'm the fat friend. the ugly friend. the middle-class, not really rich, friend. that sucks. they don't notice when i'm gone. they barely see me when i'm there. they're always happy. always thinner. always with something new and designer and expensive that looks great on them. i feel like a shadow next to them. it's not fucking fair. i want to count on them like they count on me, but i can't. this hurts.

at least hurting makes me eat less.

sunrise

the sun is coming up. i need to sleep. i still have all my makeup on. i felt beautiful for once. i starved all day.

so fucking huge

i fail. over and over and over again. i was doing so well. i have to lose so much weight so fast. i was back up to 124.6 this morning. fuck fuck fuck. this is not cool.

food account:
breakfast: large apple
lunch: salad w/ noodles, cucumbers, tofu, small bit of ranch
snacks: .5 grapefruit
breakdowns: 1 cookie, 1 2x2 inch piece banana bread.
dinner: gardenburger wrap, 260 ish calories.
later: 200 cal soup
1 small apple.


that's too much. tomorrow i get 500 calories, max. veggies veggies veggies.

i've done this before. why doesn't it work now? why can't i have back what i had. i want to cry when i think that i am 12 pounds heavier than i was maybe 6 months ago. some of that has to be muscle. fuck trying to recover. i don't want to get better, i want to get perfect. this is disgusting. i don't deserve to eat.

backslide

120.6 yesterday morning.

this morning made me want to cry.
123.4

ew.

starve me pretty, please.
make me like them.
make me float again.













thinspiration, wakeup thinspo. it's been a while.

less of me

my belt went back to the second to last notch today. a lovely thing. i have a headache. my five day cleanse regimen ended today, so now on to the immunity pills. So far i've weighed in pretty well every morning. Down to 123.4 today. Maybe less tomorrow. We'll see. I think I will try to survive tomorrow on as few solid foods as I can. 2-3L water are a must. Then Skinny water and diet Coke or Diet Snapple. Then juices and maybe some fruit. Tomorrow will my battle against the bread craving. Just drink water. Hot water if you're hungry. Cold water all the time. Cigarettes before juice. Water after smokes. Diet Coke before Snapple. Skinny water before fruit.

diet water. i must be wrong in the head somehow. i guess we'll see if it works.