Saturday, October 25, 2008

ankle weights

my bike had a flat today, so i'm committed to wearing my ankle weights instead.

it's so cold in my house right now, and i know it's good for burning calories, but i'm fucking uncomfortable. i find myself cooking just to be warmer. it's all healthy, sure, but it's still food and that makes me fat. i took a citrimax and a fat burner pill so hopefully i'll find myself rather unable to eat if i want to soon.

i'm trying to figure out to wear my ankle weights while going out tonight. it would mean that i couldn't wear a skirt. iw ould need to hide them in pants. i could just wear really heavy and unwieldy boots, but then i couldn't dance. or i could just make tomorrow a liquids day as punishment, but those days are so hard. the self-hatred kicks in extra on those days, where i feel even worse for still feeling the hung pains and for being less able to embrace that wonderful feeling of emptiness. i want to thin again so badly... i wish i could purge. but my body won't let me. i physically cannot make myself wretch. ever since i quit doing junk, i just can't make anything come up. good for the dentist. bad for my lardass. sigh.

i want my clothes to fit again. every day i look at my closet full of my skinny clothes and die a little more inside. i know the disorder kills me too, but i want to be in the thrall of it again so badly. i feel like i'm too stupid and fat to relapse hard enough to make a difference. i have to be at least ten pounds less in by thanksgiving. i know i can do it. i want my bones to show and to be complimented and desired again. i guess i really need to learn to like the cold.

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