i survived the holidays

Ugh. Still fat, but getting muscles back. I survived the holiday season without binging or vomiting. I've been down to about 1000 calories per day. My Fire Caps aren't at the vitamin shop anymore, so i found a new one that fucking scares me. 280mg of caffeine per serving, plus the other caffein-like compounds in the 200mg proprietary mix. I'm supposed to take three pills, but i've been taking one or two. if i feel really bad, i'll take two twice a day, but jesus those things are intense.

i started training again and i have stupid rope burns on my leg so i can't train again until heals. ugh. i can see more hipbones and more ribs every day, but then i fuck it up and go drink. i'm seeing a really nice boy who's going to ruin this fucking disorder that i've so tried to nuture back into life. he's made food something to be enjoyed in good company. that sucks. i fear it. when he's around, i can't throw my usual fits of throwing away everything in my refrigerator and living on dieter's tea for a week. i want to do things like that, but i can't when he's around and i don't want to scare him away because he's one of the nicer things that's ever happened to me.

also, on the boy side of things, i got a phone call from this other lovely creature that i've had a thing for ever since we got together once long ago. one of my favorite christmas presents, certainly. he's just not around. out of state. dammitall.

sorry, kinda scattered with my writing. on the food front, i've been doing okay as far as quality. i had tuna and toast with one slice of lite cheese for breakfast. and then some sprouts to burn more calories. no dressing on the sprouts. no mayo in the tuna. just a bunch of negative calorie veggies. i wouldn't have eaten except that if i don't eat over my giant handful of vitamins and diet pills, i faint or feel really sick all day. ugh. i just want to be thin.

i'm going to count all of my thinspo pictures and do ten situps for each one. then i'll feel okay about today.

stay strong and think thin darlings! i miss your comments! much love from so_alone.

























































update: that 560 or so situps, maybe more because i did extra sets for Allegra and Gemma. now i'm all sweaty. ew.
update again: i used another postful of pictures and got in about 390 squats. whoo!