feeling fat... powerless... etc.

i feel terribly fat and ugly. i've been travelling a lot and working out and for some reason I feel terribly lardy anyway. it's cold where i live now and getting up is difficult and leaving the house is near impossible.

i did a major performance suspension the other day and my abs are still sore, it was like one big situp for about 20 minutes. i've been smoking and drinking way too much. i hope to lay off the sauce until december, i tend to lose a bunch of weight once i stop drinking.

it's so hard not drink at the moment though, with constant frustration and sadness looming at all turns. a good friend of mine died on Nov.1, suddenly and tragically. my world is still kind of shaky from that one. i escaped the day after her wake to go work at a big party in another city and ended up drinking for essentially three days straight. ugh. this has to stop.

i've been living on spicy eggplant and tofu and training as often as i can, so i'm still building muscle. i guess i just feel tubby today. haven't left the house yet.

i was denied help from a social service agency, which was a crushing disappointment. all i want is someone to help me fill out this fucking paperwork so that I can get insured for a fraction of what i'm paying now. i went to college for the last five years. i don't know how to be a grownup. i don't know what the fuck all the terms mean. i don't know how to get this proof of this and that. i need someone to hold my fucking hand and tell me how to do this kind of shit.

i'm lonely and sad a lot of time. sorry i haven't written here more often. i've been travelling so much for the last month that there just hasn't been any time. i go visit one lover and then come home to this freezing apartment and no job and friends that are gradually getting further and further away. it sounds terribly emo, but it feels like i'm always imposing my presence on people. it's like they wish i would just go away.

i know you readers love me for my rants and epic thinspo dumping so at least i've got you lovely skinnies on my side. enjoy the thinspo. i'm working on getting my stupid profile picture to work again. i guess not logging into photobucket for over a year will declare one's account inactive.