ten ten ten, for everything everything everything

Boys are stupid. So apparently, he was kidding the whole time with the "don't tell anyone" shit, which pisses me off. Also, he managed to write off the lying, the hurtful shit done to just to see what my reaction was etc, as accidental, he didn't know what to say so he said something and all of it came out wrong. Goddammit. all this mess had me in tears most of the day of a big production opening too. drinking to keep one's spirits up before they go onstage... just no, not so good. today will be better, but i'd rather just sleep the next two hours until i have to get back into hair/makeup/costume.

I feel gross and fat and wrong. i'm soon off on a bike ride. it's raining and i don't care. i just need to do something, wake up my body. ugh. enjoy the thinspo.

kicking and screaming

i am so angry today. at everything. i just want to yell and scream and hit things but i can't do any of that. so instead, i want to curl up and cry but i can't do that either, i have places be, etc.

fuck fuck fuck.

things i can never really ask

god i miss the boy. he's got a relative in the hospital right and it seems pretty dire. he was supposed to be home 5 days again and i get that he needs to be there, but i don't know how long he's going stay gone. I worry, and can't actually ever say this to him, that he's gonna get stuck there waiting for said relative to die, which could be days or years. And then stuck there waiting to heal as a family. I understand. I do. I just wish I was being filled in on this stuff. just to be told, "I won't be back for at least a month or two" or something, instead of throwing random dates that make me feel lied to every time they pass.

this departure from my place was rather oddly, conveniently timed too. well before news of sick relative. someone slipped and called him "boyfriend" and three days later he's gone. he tells me loves me but to keep it a secret. he doesn't tell any of his friends or family where he is, much less that he's with me. i don't get it. this doesn't feel fair. i catch myself wondering if he's really coming back, or his stuff is just now more shit to deal with getting of when I move. i'm sure i'm just crazy, but it's still worrisome. Being entirely unable to say of this shit, because a)he won't deal with phone calls and b)why would do so something so insensitive while his family is teetering on the edge of catastrophic grief?

sigh. i'm lonely. i'm dealing with new school stuff every day without the person i've gotten so used to telling everything to before i make a real decision. that's a whole other kettle of fish as well.

at least this whole ordeal is helping me forget to eat. my weight is is the mid to lower 120s again, and considering how much muscle i've put on, that's fucking awesome. still not what i want, but awesome.

fuck it. i'm going to bed. think thin. stay strong.