so unhappy

ugh. i am one passport away from a visa. the weather is miserable and i'm fucking unhappy. i just want to cry and yell and break things but i can't do any of that because i'm tired and waiting on my laundry etc. ad nauseum. FUUUUUUCK.

i miss the boy and i'm fucking jealous even though i know i shouldn't be. i know he's shitty about being honest and i know i won't know which of zillion girls he's buddy buddy with he's actually slept with even though it's my fucking policy that we tell each other this shit. i want to have the freedom to just up and leave. i want to have somewhere to go that's full of cool people doing everything exactly how they want. i want a space with huge rafters and stuff to climb on and jump from and burn down. in two different ways i've been fucked out of free proximity to that exact situation. god fucking dammit.

but whatever, that shouldn't matter because i'm leaving in 5 months. i shouldn't care fuckall what anyone's gonna be up, because i'm leaving. i got exactly what i wanted.

and once again, i'm in a situation the feels so much colder with ana at my side. i'm going away, alone. when i need someone the most, they are gone, and i get face all that have hoped for alone. this gnawing emptiness is my only friend and i love it and i hate. i beg for it until i get and then i can't wish away again.

i am sad. i want to be thinner. and loved, loved by someone who won't insist i keep it a fucking secret. i don't want to be alone anymore!