uh oh.. on a few levels

Ugh. I love and hate this. I feel like I'm more in control, but my grasp is so tenuous that I panic all the time. It's getting to a point where I freak out about food in front of the boy which is totally not allowed to happen. Part of this is that it's no one's business but mine and the people who support me. But oh god, I nearly freaked out the other day. The sound of chewing disgusts me on a good day, but when my blood sugar is super low it's nauseating and I had to eat with the boy but I was already so hungry I wasn't hungry and nearly cried. Ah well. He's not around tonight so food weirdness abounds.

The validity of my scale has been called into question. Two of the little sensor feet came off of it. They stuck back on, but that weirds me out a bit. This worry aside, it said I was 123.2 on Sunday morning which is really more than I could ask for. This sudden droppage might have come from water weight.

My period started randomly on Friday night. I take a monocyclic so I decide when my periods are, but apparently I've screwed up my body fat to the point that my period went weird. This is a good sign. Hopefully after this period I'll just keep losing. Sigh. It's so hard to starve on this course. Even people who eat normally are wrecked by the end of the day. Sigh. I just want to be thin. Stay strong and think thin my skinnies. Do 50 situps, 50 squats, and 1 minute plank tonight!

the illusion of success

I thought I was doing so well. My bones felt sharper. I bruised more easily. But no. I bought a scale. Sure I'm weighing myself midday post meals and workouts and stuff, but still, we are not doing well. We are terrible and fat and awful and made of failure that can only be fixed by diligent starvation. I weighed in at an appalling 125lbs. I have gained nearly 2 pounds. But I've been netting in the negative for weeks now. Headdesk. I hate everything. Mostly myself.

snobby moment (we all have them, don't judge)

I'm trolling the thinspo tags on tumblr and girls are posting their Net calories for the day. The range is like 80-200 in either direction. I feel a bit smug because even after dinner I'm gonna be around -800 net.

things that confuse me

So I started using MyFitnessPal.com. I'm not sure if it's making me fatter or not. I'm an athlete, like a real one, all I do is work out in some way or another since I'm in the circus. I told it how much weight I want to lose and how fast. It gave me a set amount of calories I could eat. I write in all my exercise and food for the day. The exercise adds more possible food calories to the amount I'm allowed to eat. And I usually come in about 700 under that number. BUT, it terrifies me that I'm eating so much at the same time. Like, it says I've eaten 500 calories already today. That just feels wrong. I know I need to burn more calories but since I've had two weeks off, I fucking hurt now (day 2 back in training) and I still have another 6 hours of physically demanding classes left of today. This of course ensures that I can eat whatever I damn well please, but that's no comfort to me at all.

And yet, yesterday for example, I had ton of food. But I also burned a fuckload of calories, according to the site. And I was still really under on my "allotted" calories. And it says this cheeky little message when you're done entering stuff for the day. "If every day were like today, you weigh ____lbs in 5 weeks." Yesterday, with all that food, if every day was like that... it said I'd weigh 108 in 5 weeks. I'm aiming for under 120 in a few weeks. But I would be so thrilled to hit under 110. That can be my next goal I guess. Ugh. I just want to be thin. And toned. And light. So that lifting all this hulk isn't so hard... for me or anyone else.

Stay strong and think thin my Skinnies! Hope you all got through the holiday bloodbath in one piece. Challenge of the day: do all the exercises in the jpg further down the page! and then 1 minute wall sit and one more minute plank!